When the subject is emotional and threatening to a woman’s comfort, all the logic mechanics hurt her. It’s like, in her eyes, logic is an insidious snake-machine of pain that intends to force her where she doesnt want to go and reach her where she doesnt want to be touched. Like reasoning and plain logic are the ultimate form of manipulation. The fact that it’s done in a calm, structured way only makes it more threatening. It makes her visceral response stronger.
She’ll see the dissenting points as a personal attack and work until there’s nothing else but personal attacks on the plate. Once that point is reached, she hopes the tribe will come to rescue her and exterminate the foe.
This is only a real problem, though, when the woman with the issue is also in charge of the situation.
II
When an emotionally disturbed person is in charge of the situation, comply (obey), seduce (work the issue in non threatening, flattering emotional terms) or retreat (disengage) seem to be the only options. Consider this a screening test where their mind, agreement and involvement, or, in their views, “they themselves” are the prize.
When a calm / rational person is in charge of the situation, though, and the disturbed one randomly took offense and wants to engage, but cant take logic or reasoning, then there’s no need to chase this person down. They can retreat if the issue is too emotional for them, heal or whatever, then, eventually, they will come back and form bridges, because, well, the person in control is also the prize.
Let’s add male / female dynamics.
If the male is in charge / is the prize and a woman took random offense, and he doesnt chase her down nor tries to debate or force logic on her, but just keeps driving, that aloofness and lack of investment might be enough to reverse the emotional dynamics for her. And turn them in into attraction.
If she is in charge AND she’s taking random offense, a male working the issue “up” acts like a chase, and it only deepens whatever she felt disgusted about initially, while reinforcing the chase and the ladder where she’s actually the prize and the guy lacks any value – otherwise, why would he be so determined to put it in? cant he see she doesnt want it? – so it forms the opposite of attraction: repulsion.
And whenever you’re attempting “debate” with an unwilling party, you´re putting them in charge. The one chasing has less value than the one chased. Logical debate, in male / female dynamics, creates repulsion.
In short, this chase isnt worth it. Complying / seducing will destroy you. The scenario has already been rigged in win-lose fashion. Disengage.
III
Solvents and acids vs. the invasive structure.
The female’s response to unwanted male logic is to charge the debate with enough emotional content so logic ceases to work, so it’s structure crumbles to pieces, and then the whole thing can be absorbed, processed and digested. Think of what flies do with the food.
When you inject the female / male approaches in a debate, you’ll see the structures and the solvents. As long as the structures keep forming, new solvents and acids will be poured.
And forget about solving the real issues. It’s an unidirectional transfer of power. The fly is feeding.
IV
The transfer or power, which starts by holding down your weapons and taking in the other person’s position, wants and views, with the intention to mold an unified reality that considers all angles and reaches consensus, needs two entities that are open and willing to negotiate on hard, stressful, uncomfortable times.
Without two entities open to negotiate, debate means war.
Win-win seems to be more of a male skill. And we seem to do it to prevent war, and to create a collaborative, functional social machine. Rules, core, forces, agreements, like muscles and bones. And same for unified goals and objectives: lot’s of muscles, bones, rules, agreements, principles.
In comparison, women operate more like white cells or nerve terminations that create a collaborative sense of safety / danger awareness. When they perceive a threat, they go in alerted state / fight mode immediately, but one that involves more negative screaming and networking than it does karate moves. And same when they perceive something shiny / worthy / desirable. Lot’s of positive screaming and networking.
V
So. To sum this up, debate is possible when all the parties are open and willing. When male/female dynamics are involved, debate only makes sense when the male is in a position of power, but if he is, debate is unlikely because of that same dynamics.
As for the blogosphere, I decided to disengage whenever there’s a win/lose fight/alerted state. No more mud fights for me. Im avoiding all of it. Like UMSLO said, it’s good for my health.
As for my real life, Im in a position of power. As you should.
Hypergamy is threatening because it means that all women crave alphas, but that they do it in an utilitarian way. Which contradicts the pure / empathetic / all kinds of good / peaceful idealization of women.
Hypergamy at its core is the red pill.
That a woman cares about what she gets from you (emotions, stability, resources, offspring, status, stuff) more than she cares about “you”. And that the minute that what she gets from you changes for the worse, she´ll leave for a better / fitter / more useful / higher status man who can give her better stuff.
Hypergamy basically means that “love” is for women what lust is for men.
Its not a pretty light, and specially un-pretty when the thing is placed on a pedestal and is setting the rules for everything else.
Let’s say you have never played baseball, but you are in a situation where you will get a million dollars if you score a homerun, or get killed if you dont. And you only have one try.
You go in the field, grab the bat, breath, assume the position, the machine throws that unique ball at you, and you swing.
What are your chances of hitting a homerun?
I
See, sometimes it happens.
Sometimes someone hits that lucky homerun. And against all common sense they keep hitting one homerun after another, without really knowing how they are doing it. We call these the prodigies, the miracles, the naturals. The media and eventually the history fills us with these stories. Mozart, the Beatles, Einstein. It’s a compelling story: some people just have it.
And sometimes when pushed against the unfathomable, in do-or-die situations, when all the bridges have been burned, an unlikely prodigy awakens. David defeats Goliath, four musketeers defeat an army, a gladiator becomes king, a kiddo with two karate moves grabs the title and the girl.
Lucky strikes happen. Miracles happen. Material for movies.
Highly inspirational stuff that makes you “believe”.
Which is bullshit.
II
The win / lose, success or die, go big or go home, prodigy / miracle / luck frame is not how you get shit done.
See. While some of these stories are true, most are just fabrications. Media has a business, and its business is selling you the story. The highly inspirational figures and stories are marketing campaigns, whose aim is to raise the perceived value of a specific system, which has money and resources invested into making you believe.
So believe, you do.
And when your belief starts to fade, a new inspirational story and figure emerges out of nowhere. Oh, such a lucky strike. Or such a prodigy.
The moment you believe the story, the moment you buy into the binary thinking of success / failure, you become part of the mass of people who can only experience life by consuming.
Because the other side of the story is that you cant. You cant go in the field and make a homerun. You cant win. You’re not as talented, as lucky, or a prodigy enough. So you cant bare the thought of going all or nothing and burning every bridge ever created. The stakes are too high. You dont even try.
You consume the stories because you cant create your own.
But Im going to tell you how you can. How to get shit done.
III
Let´s say you have never played baseball, but you are going to spend a few months on the field. The machine is going to throw one ball after another. You pay by the hour, but it’s cheap and you have it covered. When you miss the ball, no one cares. When you hit the ball, you get some cheering. When you are clueless, you get some advice from a more experience hitter. Your main reward though is the learning, watching your body adjust to the game, and the sound that emerges from the ball every time you hit it hard and properly, and watching it fade in the horizon.
What are your chances of hitting a homerun?
Now let’s say when the process is over, you comprise your top game, your best moves, and make a portfolio, which is what the rest of the world are going to see. That is your net worth.
IV
In case you missed it, that second scenario is the nurturing approach. Our parents job is to enable a sandbox where we can fail and attempt without real consequences. Somewhere we can play. A game where we can find our strengths and our own moves, and polish ourselves before going into the external world.
Then the formal education is another sandbox.
Both systems are broken. The rewards are misdirected and the focus is in the wrong places. I could critique this stuff for years but let’s skip it for now. The point is that when you leave that process, if you have been properly indoctrinated, your core belief is that:
You cant.
So you have to settle. You have to aim to survive. To buy stuff to fill some weird void that was also induced in you by the system. Get social status and external worth to compensate for your lack of thereof. So you have to believe the stories and live their glory by projection. And whenever your sandbox, that you never formerly abandoned, get´s attacked or, when shit gets real, or, when a big opportunity emerges and finds you unprepared, or, when your own dissatisfaction finally pushes you to the edge and you wonder what would happen if you went for it, what was “really” waiting out there for you…
… you get derived to the first scenario. The one-hit, homerun-or-die, 0.0001% chances one. And it’s too late. And the stakes are too high.
V
But scoring homeruns isnt the problem. The frame is.
Making it big isnt the problem. The frame is.
It doesnt matter if you’re a kid or a senior or how much you have invested in your current frame. This is how you get shit done:
First, quit all distractions. Quit surviving. Quit do-or-die.
Then, embrace do-and-live.
Procure yourself with a sandbox.
Get a mother to nurture you and a father to guide you, or be your own mother and father. Create a sandbox where you can afford to make mistakes. A sandbox where you can play. To your strengths. Where the price for failed attempts is marginal, and the returns for achievements are marginal as well, and where you can ask for advice when you dont know what you’re doing. Where what really matters is your own experience, watching your mind and body adjust to the game, and the sound that emerges from the ball when you hit it hard and properly.
And every time you make a homerun, honor that, hone that. And iterate. And while you are at it, aim for greatness. Aim for excellence. Make it the best, make it count.
If you´re a company, keep it small and contained and cheap and make products. If you´re a writer, retreat to an inexpensive beach and write. If you´re a casanova, go work in a bar. If you´re a business person, make inexpensive deals and grow steadily. Or get jobs were you get paid to learn. And do you best on every step and play like there are no consequences, because there arent.
Then compile your best moves and share them with the world.
And iterate.
When you operate like this homeruns are not the goal. They are an inevitable part of the process.
VI
And last. Most of the stories out there are the nurturing kind. Someone had a kid and decided to make them a star. Some company needed a product and grabbed someone and created a sandbox around them. Some movement needed a leader and some circle needed a villain. And they contain their mistakes and maximize their achievements or viceversa, to make you believe. If you dont know already, that’s how business are made.
Making it big means achieving homeruns. And your top 10 game is all people care about. When you make it big, due to their belief, most people are going to assume that it was easy for you, that you got lucky, that you’re a natural, that you were just borned with it.
The reason you’re an easy prey is because whenever someone attempts a personal attack, you open up more, you try to reach a middle ground, you tell the agressor where it hurts, you try the empathy channel with someone who’s not showing signs of empathy.
Let’s call it the stockholm codependent approval seeking syndrome.
See. Sometimes when someone attacks you they have a reason: they have been hurt, or you may have done something wrong, etc, and dialogue is needed. However the intentions of the people attacking you are apparent very quickly.
At the first sign of peace, when you drop your weapon and go talk to them to see what is it all about… do they lower their weapons, or do they fire even more?
If you lower your weapon and open your heart – and then keep telling them how each and every one of the specific bullets they are firing you hurt you so much…
Trust me, they know. They know they are hurting you. And if they didnt know, they know now, since you narrated the last 50 bullets. The question for them is not if you’re hurt, but why you’re not dead already, why you keep coming back from the dead. “Sigh, yes I know I hit you in the head, I hit you right where it hurts, I know, it was intentional… so why exactly do you come back to life, again, you just want more right? take this bitch! you fucking zombie”
I know it’s hurting you but its quite comical.
It’s like watching the “fight” between a carrot and a horde of bunnies.
So, the thing is, there are several coping mechanism for stress. Some people are open to take a share of the blame and want to deal with the problems, some people just want to bounce the blame outside and make other people deal with the problem. We all have both systems, but some people are fixated in one.
You’ll see a lot of “bounce it back to you”, rethorics, shaming, and stuff when you touch something that crosses the emotional boundaries of other people. Then some of them will talk, negotiate, reach agreements, like what you attempted, and some other people will just “attack”. And like in war, you dont stop attacking when the enemy is hurt. When you know your attack is working, you increase it.
You dont stop attacking cancer when it starts responding to the chemo. Cool? so dont expect them to care about the pain they are inflicting, when they are transferring their own pain to you.
And last.
Shaming is emotional manipulation. Adhominen, some specific strawmans, deflections, etc, denial, crazy making… I can make a huge list but it’s always the same. Reframing situations and discourses to charge them with emotional content that might hurt you, as an attempt to gain control over you, or to put you in a chain of command that robs you of your own authority, autonomy, self esteem, etc. so they can salvage themselves at your expense.
Guys do that (AMOG), girls do that, kids do that, and people in general do that when they want to WIN on an emotional / social level and they give a fuck about others.
And, emotional manipulation is done by manipulators. Simple right? Not necessarily that they are manipulators all the time, but they are while they attempt it. So why are you talking to manipulators like they are normal people? the proper response for manipulation is not to engage.
If you find that the only way to talk to some people is to engage in their manipulation, it’s not worth it. Send them back home, walk out.
If the conversation is lost, if the relationship is lost, dont worry, there wasnt one to begin with.
I found a new blog with some good stories. “When I was Alpha” reminds me of my own.
When I was 18 years old I had a four months Alpha passage. It was all there, the confidence, the social proof, the self reasurement, the success, the girls chasing me… the way people looked at me, the way I interacted, commanded, the way I was the center of good and bad attention but got my way, etc. I got there in a random way and wasnt able to sustain it, nor wanted to, because I didnt see it as a “thing”.
Let’s go back a bit.
I graduated highschool with poor grades and no colleges wanted me. I was 17. I was quite smart but socially inept. I was living in a petty, small and superficial beach town that didnt even have pretty girls. I was an angst-driven obsessive omega fuck back then. I had no friends but my books, I was a perfectionist with no tangibles on my favor. My family was dysfunctional and I had no clue of being a man. I was a person. Sort of. I didnt fit anywhere. When I woke up in the morning my first thoughts revolved around killing myself.
So I had no college admissions and no future and had to do something with my life, or to end it, but I had to escape small town. I traveled to the big city to do admission exams for colleges there. I stayed at my grandmother’s apartment. I had a few months to prepare and had to study a lot. I bought some math books, and while I was at it some other stuff caught my eye. “Your erroneous zones”, “Yes, I can say no”, “Emotional Intelligence”, “Lateral Thinking”, “Quantum physics” and some metaphysical stuff as well. I bought all of it.
I wasnt sure if I was going to live, I had this countdown. I had like six months to decide. I spent my days hardcore studying math, popcorn psychology, meditating and screaming in the bathroom. I was angry.
By the time the exams came I knew all I needed about math, and had found I actually liked that stuff. This is a story for another time, but I was unable to grasp math during hishchool – and picked it on my own and then excelled at it. I learned I could only learn my-way, and that meant intense, focused, all-in, and fast, in big chunks of data, and it meant questioning everything, and never turning a page until “I knew” what I had just seen, like I had invented it or reasoned it myself. I learned so much in that small frame of time. I presented the exams and made it to the top 10 on both colleges and both granted me admissions. Something was changing.
Then limbo came. I was on the date where I should decide if I lived or died but I had this college thing going on for me. I was still angry, but I felt like I had superpowers (thanks, popcorn psychology) and wanted to blow things up. I wanted to rub my dissonance on everyone’s faces. I had no immediate business on big city and my grandmother wanted me out. I had six more months before college started and nothing to do with my time.
So I went back to small beach town and enrolled in a private college, on a random computer sciences degree that was just starting, just to burn these months while learning something.
But I didnt give a fuck. I was only going to stay there for six months. I didnt respect the college, the town, the people, the low standards, the mediocrity, I had all my inferiority/superiority complexes and anger, now channeled into asertiveness, and a sense of safety since I had my ticket for a bigger college, in a bigger town, for a better future, just around the corner. I was only there, at that small town and college to learn something for myself, and that meant learning it my way, and the professors and stuff, “they better be good and worth my money and measure up to my standards”… and the girls werent even that pretty.
Maybe you’ll recognize that frame.
I didnt belong there, I was destined for something better, I didnt fit, but I had no intentions to fit. I wasnt boastful, but I wasnt scared, I wasnt shy, I wasnt submissive. I was relaxed and confident, inquisitive and brutally honest. I would sit on the first row close to the professor so I could grasp all the knowledge. I created a space around me, I took risks. Often I would interrupt the class to disagree and debate theories. I made fun of people. I would laugh open and free. I was detached. I didnt care. I was me.
I would be in the middle of a group and if I got bored, I would climb the chair and say something funny. Or I would just climb something high. I would grab the cigarettes from some smoker girl and destroy them (smoking is bad for you puppy), then grab her lighter and chase her around. I was fun. I was unpredictable. I was dangerous.
I became a focus of attention. People started to gather around me and invited me to places. I was the hot guy. Grades started to come and I had only As. Professors respected me. Guys wanted my advice and girls my company. I started teaching math on small groups. I led. I commanded. I owned. I was the authority.
I became accepted.
I went from from the last row in the social chain to the first row with no in betweens and no specific “want” on my part.
I remember one day I was sitting with some girl who had the hots for me and I was trying to “enlighten” her… then she came with this herd story about me being the oh so special man and how I was the shit and everyone looked up to me. And it hit me.
I started caring and that was the beginning of the end. I started having something to lose. I started to fear. I started valuing that reality, that ego. When I invested back on my ego, it was still broken. I was still needy. I was still lonely. It all crumbled.
During the next weeks what happened was surreal. People liked me less. I was insecure. Stuff faded away like it had never been there. And the more it crumbled, the more I cared. The more I was doubted, the more I doubted myself, the more I got lost.
I failed the shit test.
I quit the college and spent the remaining month in a mild crisis. When the big city college time arrived I was back on freak mode.
I got the wrong message there. My conclusion was that since “attachment” was making me a loser, and “caring” brought me down… I had to not care and have no attachments at all. Which I took to the extreme and just became a nihilist zen “saint”, but a full of pain one. Which is a story for another time.
So that brief limbo of not caring while being the king of the world was my first Alpha passage. I wasnt able to repeat it, or even to recognize it, for another 10 years.
The limits on your own mind are different than the limits in the real world. However the limits on your mind prevent you from doing stuff that is actually possible, making them impossible by default.
The real answer for everything is: I dont know.
If you think you know, you´re in trouble.
If you think you know, and what you know is that you “can’t”, you just materialized that.
Say, if you go to the gym for six months, do the proper diet, do salsa and acting classes, break your comfort zone, host parties and make new friends, go spend time overseas – and by the end of it you didnt experience any transformation, then you “know”, or you almost know.
Knowing that you cant without trying is just a defense to protect your current comfort zone.
So it´s not really a “cant”, but a want. You dont want. That´s ok. But it´s not about what´s possible, but about what you´re willing to give up in exchange.
Talking you out of it wont work. Even forcing you do to the actions wont work since you would sabotage the process.
But if life forced you, by burning your house, burning your country, burning your life, and you had to survive by changing – you would do it.
The excuses are a waste of time.
You want to dance? you can. You want to become more extroverted? you can. You want to play tennis? you can.
Can you be as good as Federer, as charismatic as Clooney, as successful as Bill Gates? you´ll find the limits there. Because you´re comparing against other people, you´re entering a competition.
You can do a lot of stuff. It doesnt mean you will “win” nor that you´ll be “as good as”
Though, chances are you´re using the “as good as” as the excuse for not doing. The two are unrelated. Say, you dont need to be “as good as” the french masterchef in order to have a restaurant. Dont need to be Clooney to have charisma. Dont need to be Federer to play tennis and win tennis matches. No one of these guys are preventing you to learn and have your own quota of success.
Going with the herd / following the rule is good / useful when the herd itself is good / useful / when the rules are good.
Rebellion / doing things your own way / trusting yourself is useful when the herd is misguided / bad or for some reason the herd emasculates you.
The herd on its own has no value. The herd has its own survival drive. At expenses of yours.
Your own drive on its own has no value. You just want to survive. At expenses of anything else.
The drive that puts you in the herd is the same drive that breaks you apart from the herd. Its your own survival. The reason behind the most altruist action is the same one behind of the most egoistical action. It´s you.
But you either do what you´ve been told, or you do your own.
To properly survive, you have to blend in. We´re social animals.
To win, though, you have to do your own: do what no one else is doing, reach where no one else has reached, be indispensable, be special.
The more you blend the lower your value. The less you blend the higher your value. And value in this context goes along with danger, safety and responsibility. The more you blend the safer = the less you´re responsible, the more anything you do is to blame on somebody else, the more of a victim, or a sheep, you are.
The more you stand out, the higher your value, but also the more dangerous you are, the more you can do right, or wrong, the more repercussions your mistakes will bring, but also the bigger your victories.
Totally standing out / breaking completely apart from the herd isnt alpha anymore but omega. If you transcend the rules of any game, say, basketball, to the point the game itself is unrecognizable… then you´re a threat to that herd. On the other hand, you might have invented a new sport, a new society, a new herd for others to come.
Following most of the rules and breaking a couple is the recipe for genius.
Breaking all of the rules is a recipe for either a saint or a criminal. Or both.
Not knowing the rules is a recipe for awkwardness / extinction.
Following all the rules is a recipe for never being alive.
But back to the point.
The rules are set up as a median. The rules define mediocrity. The rules are set up for the masses, not for the individuals. The rules are generalizations. Principles. Nobody is there where you are, but you. And nobody has exactly your recipe for you. If you take what you have and you make it fit in the rule, chances are with that you also sacrificed your own value, which at the end is also bad for the herd.
Because the herd as a whole benefits from the individual talents and rarities of each specific sheep when they are put to good use. The herd benefits from individual game – even when at times such game is destructive.
So. Back to you. You either do your own and you´re guided by yourself or you do what´s needed to blend. There are ways to do both.
In order to even consider that as a choice you have to be aware of both games.
That means when doing your own, being aware of what rules you´re breaking. And when deciding to blend, being aware of what aspects of you you are sacrificing. That means knowing the social game deeply, and knowing yourself even deeper.
That awareness has been banned from our society since the beginning of time. We are born in a herd, and the herd is a nest for many other herds: religions, ideologies, classes, education, marketing. Practically everything out there is telling you what to do, and telling you how you “should” feel about it. To the point finding someone who owns their own circumstances is rare. In the context Im presenting, that makes everyone a “loser”, or a sleeper, or a sheep, or a misguided person, or a zombie, or someone who doesnt know who they are, and thus, cant be happy, because cant be fulfilled, because their real needs and drives and ambitions are yet to be found.
And then.
The herd serves a purpose and that purpose is survival. The survival of the herd. The survival of the rules of the herd. And the herd operates on a tunnel vision, qualifying anything that supports the herd as “good” and anything contrary to the herd as “bad” or as a foe. Which is an illusion, obviously. The herd needs soldiers that never wake up from that illusion or they would be able to decide not to press the trigger / not to go into war / not to purchase / not to go into the economy of self deprecation needed to sustain the system / not to burn themselves etc. The herd needs soldiers. A soldier cant be free.
Now do we live in a good army? are the instructions given to you good for you? do the leaders of the herd live by the rules they impose on the rest, or do they dispatch orders to benefit themselves at expenses of the herd? Is the herd set up in the way of a garden, taken care by a loveful garderner who spends all day procuring the harmony and providing the needed nutrients, and where the most beautiful flowers are encouraged to flourish… or is the herd set up in the way of a farm, where the sheep are kept under control so the necessary goods can get extracted from them, and at the end of the day they are shipped to the slaughter so they can get squeezed to the last drop?
What do you see? Are we ruled by love? Or are we owned? Is awareness celebrated, or is it dangerous? Are you embraced when you shine, or are you embraced when you hide?
So I understand the goodness of going along with other people. Fitting in. Having a family. Valuable nets. Community movement. Rules. Order. Belonging.
However, as I see it, the whole thing is owned by the wrong forces.
So as long a Im here I can only preach for self awareness and owning yourself. Rebellion is needed. For anyone aiming for real happiness.
Now, could this herd, could the current state of things survive a major segment of the population becoming aware enough to not do anything that would fuck them up? Could this herd survive if people were lucid, awaken, responsible, and happy? no. The herd would die, the herd would change.
Looks matter, but looks is not what gets you laid. Even if you´re stunning the girl is gonna put you through tests. I see the order of importance as:
Game (personality, masculinity, drive, demeanor, charm, dominance)
Social proof (the throne other people puts you in)
Assets (stuff you own and display)
Looks (body, clothes)
Some of these are interchangeable and every bulletpoint influences the rest.
Say. Your looks say a lot about the rest of these items. If you´re fat and smell silly it says a lot about your game, social proof etc. Looks are the presentation card, and they convey the rest of the traits. So in a way, looks are “everything”. But they are everything because of what they say about you.
Assets. The girls you attract with assets are not the good kind. But again, assets can produce attraction as they also convey personality traits, game, etc. It´s different if you own a motorcycle or if you own a family motorhome or a corvette. What you own says stuff about you, what kind of person you are, what´s your position in the hierarchy, what´s your tribe.
Social proof. This is the vital external thing. Because girls go with the popular, center of the social circle guy, and in society is where your dominance is measured. This is what conveys safety. Girls are herd animals – there´s nothing more attractive than the center of the herd. Social proof or lack of thereof says important stuff about you.
And all this stuff that says stuff about you is going to be used to measure you. Measure what?
Game. At the end this is what counts, because when its you and her alone, all the other stuff has to be true reflection of who you really are, and it has to show in your interpersonal interactions. If there´s dissonance you´re up for a long, uphill and losing battle. Everything else emanates from here.
In short looks, assets, social proof are measurable things that interconnect with each other, and are all reflection of your Game. And your Game itself is just another reflection of the “true” you, which in this context is just your genes, since this is a breeding / reproductive game.
If you’re trying the “be yourself” just to find such self isnt appreciated, and that you’re only appreciated when you bend yourself into what the world wants you to be, which is not “you”… what’s going on?
Here’s the news. You dont have a value.
As long as we talk in terms of appreciation, money, success, respect, etc, you dont have a value. Being yourself is no strategy to gain value, on its own.
Value, as a constructed thing, needs two. Needs a product and a consumer. The product screams “value”, but ultimately value is in the eye of the consumer.
Just like the price for an iphone on the middle of the ant-farm world is zero. Or just like the value of a great violinist drastically changes whether he’s playing on a subway or if he’s playing a solo act on an expensive theater. In short, who are you playing for? your audience determines your value.
But let’s get deeper.
We’ve got cards. Resources. Genes. Abilities. Stuff. How do you feel about what you’ve got, when the audience is gone? when there’s no one to pay for your stuff, when no external value and no exchange is happening… what’s left? who is you? when you stop all the games and trades and rules and stay in that moment, in silence. What’s there?
Feel happy? feel empty? feel content? anxious? do you have energy to spare or a hole that needs energy? are you self motivated and centered on your own happiness, or is it a chase? are you enough? who are you for yourself? are you, right there, playing violin on a subway on your mind, or playing on an expensive theater? notice that you’re not doing anything. But how do you FEEL and what do you PERCEIVE your value is?
That’s your inner value.
And when you stop playing games to please and comfort, when you stop all the tradings, schemas and masks… that’s your self.
And no matter how you feel about it you’re sitting on a pile of gold. We all are.
But let’s get deeper.
So you are sitting on a pile of gold. Your flesh your muscles your thoughts your abilities your… you. Your strategy, your social strategy, your survival strategy, is to exchange “you” for the stuff outside of you that you want.
And your true value, the market value, is defined by that transaction. And the value of what you get is also defined by that transaction.
Picture quickly, the value of getting the girl of your dreams in exchange of your sexual orientation. The value of getting the best food in the world in exchange of your ability to taste. The value of getting money in exchange of your freedom to spend it. And so on.
The winning strategy, like in any business, is to get more for less. More money for less work, more peace for less war, more love for less stress, more power for less conflict, etc.
And the key to do that is to maximize your market value.
So how? how do you that? Let’s summarize so far:
A) You’re a spiritual being. You’re an animal. You didnt come here to play games. You didnt come here to submit and follow and get lost in a market of values that doesnt give a fuck about “you”, but its only interested on you in terms of what they can get from you, to keep some abstract and ultimately nonsense, impersonal machine running. You came here to be you. This moment is the celebration of you. And it’s only happening once. Wasting it is a shame.
B) You want stuff. You value stuff outside of you. Even if you keep quiet, celebrating that oh so shiny moment of you, you want the exchange, you NEED the exchange. Its not so much about just needing other people, but needing to be part of that impersonal and macabre machine somehow, and play the part that “you” were meant to play on it. Because its a game. And games are fun… but not just that. You need the machine, because the machine is also you.
C) The machine still doesnt give a fuck about you. Unless you give the machine what the machine wants. The market doesnt give a fuck about you, that oh so special and shiny and real and true you. Because the machine, the market, the outside world, has its own self, its own needs, its own otherness, its own value, and it only cares about you in terms of what you have to offer.
D) Hey. Just reverse that, and that’s exactly how you view the machine and the market as well. You dont care, you dont give a fuck other than what the market has to offer you. You’re as selfish as you accuse the machine to be. You truly, honestly dont give a fuck, about other than the stuff you already give a fuck about. You are, after all, the machine. At least you are, for anyone who’s not you.
E) You’re on par on this game. You are the market.
If I had to state the strategy quickly, it goes like this: only proceed on transactions that are favorable on your own terms. That’s your succinct recipe for success and happiness.
But let’s get deeper.
How do you do this stuff? what’s the winning strategy? how do you turn your inner value, or your inner sense of self, your goods, cards, genes, your imagined pile of gold and your expensive theater where you play the solo act… how do you make that real?
Let’s start on the easy, stating how you do not.
The worst move is to sacrifice your own self in exchange of any kind of goods.
And even worse if such goods are the imaginary kind, like, the kind of goods that are supposedly going to make you feel better for having sacrificed yourself.
The “dont be yourself”, AKA fake, pua, beta, doormats, lostsoul camps fall here. You want something from the machine, love, acceptance, money, happiness, you name it. So you price yourself at zero, and give everything, in exchange of what you wanted, or at least some of it. Then wonder why you cant taste flavors anymore, why what you wanted doesnt fulfill you, etc. Like working 20 hours a day in exchange of 15 days of vacations a year. Go and really think that one. Like accepting anal rape in exchange of the medication you need to tolerate even more rape, plus some papers measuring how good of a taker you are.
Just dont. I’ll say it again. Dont. If you’re on that path, quit already.
So, when we come to this world it becomes quickly apparent, unless we’re either lucky or nurtured into an already tested mold of success and value, that our real core and persona have no value, and that the market wants something else. We get celebrated, punished, molded, into what the market wants. We learn what works our should. At best, we incorporate it. At worst, we fake it. At even worse, we fake it and then believe on it.
But even the lucky ones feel it. Every child star, athlete, successful people, even they feel it. Even if they’ve got it easy from the start, they feel it. They are worthless: their real persona has no value. Their market value depends on what the market wants. The actor would be nowhere without his physique, the tennis player would be nowhere without his trophies, the hot girl would be nowhere without… etc. It’s all on the magazines, on the buzz, on the superficial appreciation. Its all displayed and ranked on some ancient, pre-human state of things, its never about them. Its about the audience. And it all can be taken away.
And when you grow up and start discerning the market it becomes even more apparent. The market operates on face value. Appearances. Safety. Fear. Herd movements. Hunger. Primal stuff – powerful primal drives guided by simplistic, reductionist perceptions. Say. Flavor trumps substance.
The moth goes to the flame, doesnt it. It cant help it. It’s shiny.
So let’s go to the surface now. Enough of deep. Let’s tie it up:
Add sugar.
There’s a form of love, which might as well be the only “real” form of love, that is not about a transaction. Its a spiritual bridge that transmits information. All the truth. It’s a powerful force that barres your ego and everything you think you are and renders the whole universe to nothing, and makes you whole with it, and makes you heal and trascend and shiny happy in a pre-post-non human way. But if you are reading so far, this isnt what you are after, right?
Because wanting to get stuff from the world – wanting to know if your self is enough to get stuff from the world and how to do it is transactional.
So let’s skip love – true love.
How do you get stuff:
By giving them what they want. On your terms. And in exchange of what you want. On your terms. And I can say on your terms all day long, but it is, and will always be, about giving. Giving. Them. What. They. Want.
That’s how you get stuff.
Getting stuff is the business of giving.
Got the goods? deliver. Got ideas? ship them. Got skills? perform them. Whatever is what you’ve got, use it. Be your fucking self, on the market. Focus on giving, and if your value is high, the returns will be even higher.
And how do you maximize your value:
1) Start off your pile of gold. If you have problems dealing with who you are, if your perception of inner value is tampered with the perception of your market value, just cut it loose. If you find that “you” is nothing but an excuse, quit the excuse. Quit what you have to quit and burn what you have to burn. Destroy until what you have is whole, and you feel whole. Cut the fake until what you have is, indeed, you, and its shiny, or dark, or whatever is what is you. And from now on this is something you will never, ever betray. This is your compass now.
2) Find your market. Figure who your audience is. Figure who wants you, wants what you already have, figure who wants it the most, the very special (but hey, at the end of the day insignificant and value-less) snowflake of you, figure who benefits from it, who wants… fuck, who wants to PAY for what you already have. Find your market, find your tribe.
3) Figure how you stand up in the competition. Figure what you have to improve, figure the shape your inner-real self needs to adopt to cater to that market. This is not longer about “your self” (but dont worry, you’ll NEVER betray it) but about your presentation and how easily will YOUR market get you, and what’s your advantage over other people / products offering the same as you. Which are and will be many.
4) Cater the fuck out of them. Add sugar. Add color. Add shiny. And whatever you mold your shape into, make it as a way to make your true, real self even more apparent, even more accessible, and bigger, so you and your real self can grown and develop within. Expose that value. Push it over the top. Peacock it.
See, in Vox’s Hypergamouse comic, where the character is advised to “be himself” and he runs into a random girl stating he’s seen StarWars a hundred times… his fail aint assuming his real self. His fail is talking to THAT girl. Because he should be talking to a girl dressed as Princess Leia in a StarWars convention. His fail is not finding his market.
Got a steak? add salt and sell it to the carnivores.
Got icecream? add sugar and sell it to the fat people.
And put it in a nice package. At a price. And pass the voice.
While you can sell package / sugar / salt without an icecream or a steak on it – while you can fake what the market wants with no “you” or substance involved, the transaction will make you empty. Whavever you’ve got, that’s it. That’s your product. The truth. Then cater.
And there’s plenty of people hungry of you. Only waiting for a bridge to come over.
Whatever you’ve got, find your market. Cater to them. Compete, grow, and deliver.
When you seek approval you put other people on a pedestal.
That pedestal is made of your own morals and ego.
The person you put on a pedestal is supposed to incarnate the ideal – your own. You project the ideal on a person so you can get the ideal´s approval, so you can approve (or disapprove) your own person. You feed on their love and punishment, you try harder, you try to do what´s good, or bad, or you rebel, all by yourself, against this imaginary thing.
You feed a fake system of values so you can be loved by a higher order.
Role play – identity masturbation.
But as it happens… this person has a moral / standards on their own. Actually, unlike your ideals, that person exists. And with that, there´s conflict.
Either they cant play the part properly -> you cant pedestalize them fully -> you cant get enough approval. OR.
They play the part properly -> you pedestalize them fully -> you get approval at the expense of living by THEIR moral standards, on the pretense these are your own.
…
Seeking approval / putting other people on your pedestal is as egoistical and sick as it gets. You might not be abusing other people, but you´re abusing yourself while pretending it´s them doing it. In short, dont.
You are the one. Yeah. Yourself.
Instead of finding external dummies to project your own values and then act as a follower for that fake herd, be your own pastor. And open your windows so you can relate to other people on their own terms – on their own realities – and in your own terms.
Take it apart for relationships and make it about jobs. People spend 25+ years “preparing” for and chasing the idea of a job. Only to hate that job when they get it. Then look for jobs again. Get the job. Hate the job and dream with retirement. Then hate retirement.
Not *everyone* of course.
To love your relationships and your job and have a happy life you have to know who you are and what you want. Grow boundaries and skills and what not. Like an athlete. But there´s no guarantee of anything, no rainbow at the other end, no promise.
The way to get there is to start on the rainbow and grow on the rainbow: not putting the reward in the future but in the present, starting like you´re already there, but, HERE. This is your future. And moving towards growth without conceding, or doing smart negotiations to increase what you already have / the happiness you can provide to yourself right now. Knowing where you go. Or at least knowing you dont know.
In the current schema of things, almost everyone is chasing something they will never get, because they dont have it right now. And right now is the answer.
I joined a semi-religious sect (ontological coaching) for a couple of months a long while ago. It surprised me to see how regular people would question their lives and go deep and grow and reach for better, when they had the support of a herd. It didnt matter that such herd was ultimately misguided. Their belief would allow them to do “crazy” stuff and assimilate knowledge that would take years to be transmitted if you first had to take each one out of the herd, one at a time.
All because they felt safe. Because they were doing what everyone else was doing. All because they belonged.
So. Belonging to a herd puts you to sleep. The herd cant illuminate you. Illuminating yourself and owning your circumstances requires personal work and, ultimately, it breaks you apart from the herd. The herd mentality is the opposite of an illuminated mentality.
But, culture gets to you before you have any saying on whether you want it or not and all of its knowledge, myths, moral and common sense are given and taken as facts. Then you play along in order to be accepted, in exchange of the identity the herd provides. Thats the path of least resistance and how we enter this world. When we come here, we´re all sheeps.
And your herd can make you or break you, in the same way parents can make you or break you.
So, what the herd can, or could do, is to attempt to do things right instead of attempting them wrong.
I´d rather have a herd that teaches truth / responsibility / owning yourself / love / the value of being awaken and gives you tools, rather than a herd that intentionally sedates you, keeps you down, distracted, scared; a herd that pushes you in the right direction, rather than a herd that only pushes so they can have your milk.
Then when / if you do the personal work needed to own yourself, you may awake in a better place, instead of awakening so far from good you wish you didnt open your eyes in the first place.
In short, the sense of safety and [the natural instinct of] going along with the masses can be used for good, as long as the masses are going in a good direction, and as long as illuminating and owning yourself is encouraged rather than shamed upon.
The herd itself isnt the problem.
While Im here Im going to grow a herd. Changing the world for better is not task for individuals. Everyone is going to reach for better, when everyone else is doing it, too.
Your Total:21
Between 12 and 15 is average.
Celebrities often score closer to 18.
Narcissists score over 20. Because you scored 18 or higher, you may want to check out the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder.
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
I do have a grandiose sense of self-importance.
But its more of a responsibility thing. You know that spiderman saying. With great superpowers also comes great sex. Being in charge = being responsible = being important = having it big. Thats as clear as day.
What I dont do is take credit where its not due. So the “exaggerates achievements and talents” is bullcrap. As long as I have some air and some territory to piss on, Im fine.
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Im not preoccupied. I´ll make it happen.
Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
Im a freak if that´s what you mean. And I relate better to other freaks. Now if you want to call me special, thank you.
So its more about awareness and owning yourself and your decisions and looking / living outside of the norm – that makes me a freak, while the mainstream culture and wisdom resembles zombieland.
The value through association is another no-go. Mostly because all these so called special institutions / high status people are obviously beneath of me. If we get associated I AM THE ONE giving value. Alpha 101.
Requires excessive admiration
I dont require it, it just happens.
Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
Nah. You get what you pay for, or get what you deserve. I dont have a dick of gold. Its not made of gold, I swear. You can take your hand out of my pants now.
Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
Nah. Exploitment done by anyone on anyone, it pisses me off. Im more likely to be fighting these fuckers.
Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
If all the sacred empathy of the the universe circled around a powerful magical spot and suddenly materialized as a big holy huge thick and happy marvelous cock, that would be me. I love you.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
I forgot how it feels to “envy”. Not in my lexicon. I dont register it either.
Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Errrr. You got me.
So whatever. Am I a Narcissist? if so Im all over the place. How come I dont have the nasty traits, yet I score 21? who do I think I am? how will our hero resolve this dilemma?
Anyway, take that test and share the results. Im curious.
Look at these two faces and answer the following questions:
Who of these dudes has 10 kids more than the other?
Who has read 10 times more books?
Who has more street´s smarts?
Who is more in contact with his emotions?
Who would you trust to carry a gun?
Who do you think is better with finances?
Who is better with large groups of people?
Who would make a better chef?
Who would make a better business owner?
Who of these two dudes is a painter?
Who is a celebrity?
Who is more submissive?
Who has a better sense of duty?
Who is better at magic?
Who eats more?
Who cries more?
Who is more stable?
Who is more empathetic?
Who is healthier?
Who has more to prove?
Who is an established architect?
Who is better with his hands?
Who has a bigger cock?
Assuming your gut works like mine you´ve been zigzagging from left to right and back. I think this stuff is biological, a screening-bias that is mostly right every time.
Each of these dudes can be *attractive* but they play on different ladders and at different strengths. The dude on the left has a high testosterone, manly face. The dude at the right has the opposite. Each face carries with a set of N traits. They will be attractive to people screening for such traits, like characters in a casting for a movie.
The dude at the left is more manly and will prevail when nature is though, when there´s competition and strong hierarchies. The dude at the right is less manly, and will survive when mental gymnastics are required.
When things are rough natural selection is more important. Having a lot of offspring is important. Sex is more important. Gender and differentiation are more important. You can picture the dude on the left fucking, fighting, breeding, owning.
When there are tons of resources and the species are safe, natural selecion ceases to work, sex is less important, having offspring is less important. Conservation of resources / inertia is whats important. You can picture the guy on the right daydreaming, playing some supportive role.
Another thing involved here is horizontality and verticality.
We associate all things vertical with “higher order” things, spirituality, intellect etc. Long faces look wiser. Think of every elf-looking character ever.
Then we associate all things horizontal with “earth-mundane” things, body, eating, fucking, fighting, etc. Wide faces look more earthgrounded. Look at every troll-dwarf character ever.
The guy on the left could play either the criminal gang boss or the tough cop who chases him.
The guy on the right could play the detail-obsessed serial killer, or the shy reporter investigating the story.
And that ends our facial-traits recognition session for today.
Say that again?: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”, “we dont need men”, “we only need men because the work they do on society”, “we only need the sperm”, “women can live without men” etc.
So, somehow men is the single thing women collectively worry about the most, think about the most, want the most, seem to need the most, but they can live without men?
Well, no, women can’t live without men. This view that women only need men because of the work they do on society / measuring the value of men because of the work / pleasure / value they do for women is bullshit of the highest caliber.
First, change “men” with “we dont need blacks, yellows, we dont need women, we dont need catholics, we dont need white people, we dont need the poor” and see what happens.
Second, if you dont see inner value in men as human beings, you dont deserve a man, nor deserve any of the fruits of the men´s hard work either.
Third, shut the fuck up.
Sex differentiation makes us complimentary. Men and women need each other and any of the sexes without the other would fuck up, become an unhealthy / imbalanced, and the species would die after a generation. Even if we could survive on artificial clonation (no women needed either) we would collapse: all of our instincts and mechanisms are prepared and differentiated for a system where each of the sexes have to exist – we need each other´s energy and interaction – we need the other so we can be ourselves, we cant strive or survive in isolation.
So shut up and go get a man. You know you need one.
To indulge vs to control. Play vs work. Orientation vs constraints. Wishes vs whats possible. Wants vs price. Dream vs reality. True self vs whats expected of you.
Being yourself. Finding your inner truth. Feeling your true desires and expressing them. Releasing yourself out there. Treasuring what you value. Doing what pleases you. Adjusting your appearance to fit your own mood. Dancing like no body is watching. Perceiving the world from the lense of how it reacts to yourself. Letting the world do its thing. Lifestyle and spontaneity.
Doing what matters. Finding what works and what doesnt. Gathering techniques and skills to defeat and conquer. Gaining dominance out there. Conquering. Doing what´s right. Doing what you have to do because there´s no other choice. Dressing the t-shirt of your cause. Getting associated with similarly goal oriented pals. One for the team. Hard work and rewards.
Being yourself is a feminine principle. Its self centered. It places the self above of the world.
Do what matters is a masculine principle. Its externally centered. It places the world above of the self.
A person focusing on being themselves loses sight of whats important. Loses sight of the consequences of their behavior. Loses sight of what they actually DO. Loses sight of cause and effect.
A person focusing on doing what matters loses sight of the self. Loses sight of their own happiness. Loses sight of what they actually WANT. Loses sight of their individual, core identity.
So.
Be yourself, do what matters.
When you find your inner truth, desires, likes, ambitions, focus on what matters. What matters out there. When you do what matters out there, focus on who you are.
Make every action a bold, irreversible statement. And then take in every experience as a bold, irreversible growth.
This is your marriage with the universe.
Go into the experience naked, with your true self. Do what matters, do whats real, do the work. Then let the experience change you.
Convey who you are in every action, and then become what you do.
As a man, the moment you channel the “be yourself and screw the world”, you slide into either alpha´s or omega´s frame. The moment you do what matters it clears out that distinction. The moment you embrace the self, is the moment what you do starts to matter.
As a woman, the moment you channel the “do what matters, screw how I feel” the world opens up with all kind of new treasures, offers and possibilities. The moment you do what matters, the moment your true self starts to shine.
Im reaching the end of a 2 year marmot period in which I´ve been pretty much locked down in my cave, glued to the computer, making money and spending it all on pro audio gear and instruments (which happen to be damn expensive). Only a few items left and Im thinking, what´s next?
This is what I want to get done this year.
1. Finish collecting nuts and buying pro audio gear.
2. Move to a bigger cave and build a pro studio room.
3. Record / mix my music.
4. Release at least one single.
5. Release at least one music video.
6. Release at least one original music-related videogame.
7. Reboot / relaunch YOHAMI TV with a “behind the music – Im soo damn deep AND funny” approach.
10. Code and launch this website.
11. Release a poetry book that makes everyone´s pants go down.
12. Go viral but remain virus-free.
14. Become worldwide famous / increase my influence.
15. Go back at performing / live gigs.
16. Re-acquire and hon my spiritual connection / bond with the world.
17. Build a real-life social circle of interesting people / collaborators / team.
18. Get sixpack abs!
And this [click here!] is what I state I havent seen in the world.
Frankly, I havent even seen people aiming for that.
What I see is people facing relationships in terms of benefits. So the relationships are just means to get something. Its a business.
In business, the rule is that you get something valuable in exchange for something less valuable and thats how you make a profit. Thats how you make your happiness. Everything adds up to the price and you add your costs and margins all there. Then add some up percent so in the case the customer wants to negotiate, you can offer a discount while still making a margin. And since business are set in a marketplace, its a constant push pull with the prices going up and down and demand and competition and some business go bankrupt, just a few make it big and most just barely cover the costs.
The sex marketplace has the business model. Natural selection, hormones, competition, value, settling, switching. A great design by nature or whatever deity you decide to believe in. Awesome for evolution. How about relationships?
What I see out there is people treating their relationships with the business mentality.
People want the benefits associated with relationships, sex, company, love, family, stuff, getting their needs met. Avoiding loneliness and filling a void. In exchange of something. Its less about the relationship itself than its about all these aggregates. And each and every aggregate has a price point, a number.
Think of the shadows of gray here:
- I want to go to the game with you, I know you love that and I want to share it. Whats your fav team?
- OK… Im going to the game. But you have to come to see my concert. And learn the lyrics.
So that second line is great game right? most of the game stuff is about learning the business aspect of relationships. You can profit. I did. I do. But how about the relationship itself? beyond of the mutual exchange of benefits? Beyond the traffic of values?
What I see out there is that its never about the relationship itself, so it eventually deteriorates and becomes sick, but the parties dont want to quit it because of the pain of losing all these benefits. “Nobody to join me at the game/concert, and our shared assets, and I need the sex, I dont want to be alone, I dont want the change”. Or sometimes one of them just quits and steals all of the benefits, inducing bankrupcy in the other party.
You know that story.
So how many relationships out there without the business model?
My name is Yohami.
Im a Singer/Songwriter.
Im on my way to have fun. 
