Still, the problem is not about feeling inferior. Not on it’s own.
* * *
Feeling inferior / superior goes by hand with winning / losing. If you think you did a fantastic job but when the results come you’re last on the chain, you’re to feel inferior. That, if you have any sanity. Or if you came on top, or if you won the match, you’re going to feel confident and dominant.
If you have any sanity your feelings correlate with reality.
The thing is not what you feel but where does that push you. Like Mark said. What then? what do you do with it?
* * *
So how about when the feeling is painful.
Say, your hand is burning on the fire. Now what? do you suppress the pain? take painkillers? block it? ignore it? turn out the music really loud? get distracted? buy ice, to compensate for the third grade burns that are appearing on your skin? apply make up? do you come up with a justification that makes it OK for you to get burned? as a payout for stuff you have committed? or not? price to pay? or you blame it on someone else, or do you personalize the situation, like, the fire is EVIL and wants to HURT you? or maybe end up hating your own skin because it hurts? or you deny the whole thing? or do you chop your arm out? do you create an imaginary bitch to put your pain on? a deity? an amicable doormat? do you split yourself? whine so you get rescued? hate, because your designated rescuer doesnt care enough? what does that pain make you do? what do you do?
And then how about if the feeling is pleasurable? do you hold it? rationalize it? say you deserve it? integrate it firmly with your ego? protect it behind walls? make yourself a costume with it? do you pile it up, to make a nice cushion that distracts you from your other hand, that is burning on the fire? use it as compensation? condition yourself to it as a reward of other stuff you force yourself to go trough? keep building on top of it?
See? the more you do and retain and build structures, the more the whole thing is prone to collapse. The more you hold to your feelings, the more you lose control over reality. The might produce stupid shit like, you winning and feeling miserable, or you losing and feeling good about it, or you sabotaging or getting stuck, or old emotional states that always come back like ghosts, or, never being really, truly “here”, because you lost the emotional awareness that otherwise would tell you how your really feel, so you can’t handle the relationship between yourself and the reality.
Let’s say that again.
Doing stupid ego stuff with your feelings prevents you from developing an intelligence that tells you how you really feel.
If you dont know how you really feel, you can’t solve this.
Sorry. Affirmations can’t replace intelligence.
* * *
So. Hand is burning? How about, retiring your hand from the flame. Then learning how to handle the stuff so you dont get burned. That, without hating the fire nor all of your mental gymnastics to camouflage and justify what didn’t need a justification.
Or some event caused pleasure? how about learning how to get there once and again, without pretending that such state is an intrinsic part of yourself. One you depend on and are addicted to.
* * *
For most people… I think we’re taught this stuff. Most people just reject the undesired feelings, including the inferiority ones. Most people build structures to compensate, instead of moving and fixing and changing and taking charge of the situation that is causing the feeling. And the overall body gets sicker and sicker, and the original problem gets worse with every layer of bullshit that is placed on top of it, and the higher the structure, the more wicked and twisted it gets.
And pleasure receives the same treatment.
So. How to get better? Leave the fucking feelings alone. Let them be. Free them. Let them take charge. Let them go wherever they will go. No place is too high, and no place is too low.
* * *
Feelings are there for a reason. Embrace them. Like Shari would say. Honor your feelings. All of them. The more you feel, the more you discern, the wiser your emotional body gets, the more you gain emotional intelligence, the better you’ll perform. Yes. Even if all you feel is pain.
I’m a newcomer to HUS and found this and other blogs that I’m relating to through HUS. I don’t have the perspective others may have since I’ve only been reading for a month or so. I don’t know what was going on there several years ago.
I have never heard a woman try to step inside a man’s shoes before, which is why I took HUS as fair. However, I’m baffled that she would disagree with this post about manipulation. This isn’t controversial stuff. Maybe I need to read it again.
A couple of mean girls were attacking my friend Olive at HUS and I wrote that for her, so she would reflect on her own behavior, how she was allowing other people to bully her.
Enter Susan, and she took my post as a personal attack to herself, which wasnt. So what would you do? apologize to Susan for the offense you didnt mean, talk through it and make sure everything is cool?
How about if this unrelated drama, this sudden and hurtful misunderstanding is the pattern, the normal modus operandi?
* * *
If you’re a man wandering at HUS and you’re friendly, Susan will first receive you with cushions and drinks, treat you well, make sure you’re comfortable and enjoying the show, and pull you in closely, intimately, so you become part of her “team”.
See. Susan either has allies or foes, it’s a Black or White world, where the shades of gray are measured according to how much she can use you as an ally, and where she plays the unquestionable moral compass of White. Emphasis on “unquestionable”.
So all it will take is for you to express a dissenting opinion, or a criticism, and your comfortable friendship and trust you were building and the drink that you’re holding on your hand, will explode, beautifully, because you stepped on a land mine that you didnt know was there, and now you’re labeled a despicable “foe” and the cops are coming for your ass and someone is screaming help! help! and whose is all that blood? and you’re too confused right now to figure out what just happened so you start crying and asking for forgiveness, and apologizing for every sin you might have or not committed, that you meant no harm, that you’re one of the good guys… that where the fuck is your drink?
And that second, the second you profusely apologize, everything will be ok. Paradise and agreeableness and trust will come back. Even when you’re not sure about what the fuck just went on.
This is called, training.
And it will happen again. With no warning the drinks will explode, the lights will go off, the rage will go on, she´ll push you out, then pull you in, then out, while you keep working through it and trying to go back to the good and swearing wtf why is this so confusing? who’s there? who’s grabbing my ass?
You´ll be walking on eggshells. And eventually break.
Or you´ll refuse to.
* * *
If you refuse to, you´ll stand there, repeating firmly what you think is right and reasoning through it, and watch how Susan ignores every argument, while nitpicking words and changing the subject, escalating on the issue, making personal comments that might make you react. She´ll increase the dosis.
If you do react, you lose your cool and say something stupid, then all you have to do is to profusely apologize and reassure her you’re one of her allies, and pay whatever duties she has for you. I mean, how dare you man. You made a woman uncomfortable. Pay your fucking fine and do as you’re told, you fucking loser.
But let’s say you dont react. You keep your ground firmly, and as cool as you can, no matter which dosis she gives you. She’ll call for the support of every ally she has and make a big bitch fest around you, painting a big picture of you and looking under your clothes which buttons she can press and press them all in a big huge hungry orgy of dramatic misunderstandings and broken feelings, which she will keep escalating until something breaks. Hopefully you. You bitch! how you dare making her work so hard.
When you eventually see the futility of resisting, you’ll make a mark on the ground and write “land mine here, and here, and here, and dont walk through there, dont mention this… avoid, avoid, avoid, please, please, please her” After a while, there will be a lot of stuff that you just dont talk about, and you’ll know what’s proper to say and what not. You still might receive a drama dosis from time to time, just to make sure you’re under control.
Or you might decide to abandon HUS, or to become one of HUS and help give newcomers the same treatment.
Or you´ll take the whole thing badly and spit it out. In which case you’ll get banned. You were always a foe, didnt ya know? oh you despicable malicious pig.
* * *
And when I was walking out I saw something funny.
All those mines and sensitive subjects were, most of the time, fights Susan initiated herself, offenses she took on herself when the other parties meant no offense, or offenses she did on others but then acted like an abused victim when the other party responded angrily, or misunderstandings, mistakes on her part that she wouldnt take responsibility of, etc.
HUS is like an open party with lights and music and candy and interesting posters and hype, where everyone discussing sensible stuff and dancing, and with Susan, smoothly, dropping mines and picking fights and then playing the good samaritan who’s been wronged.
And all those mechanics…. I swear I have seen them somewhere else. Like. Everywhere. I see sick people. Let’s make a movie where Bruce Willis was sick all along.
So what did I do, fueled by my rescuer complex? I called her openly on her bizarre behavior and asked her to self reflect and change. Boom. Im so clever.
You bet that didnt turn out well.
From there on my whole presence was making landmines blow off. That post for Olive for example, Susan took it as a “character assassination” directed to her and wanted me go to in yet another endless me-you-drama-ohnoyoudidnt party.
The games we play. Or stop playing.
* * *
So. Are you new to HUS? pay attention. Dont waste your time explaining that you didnt mean and that you didnt say or rectifying ancient misconceptions and mistakes that go on and on and on and forever on that site, dont waste your time rectifying the “truth” there.
HUS is not a research-the-truth-and-be-honest forum. HUS is there to support the opinion and mood states and ego involvements of Susan, and where disagreeing, or the appearance of disagreeing, means betrayal, which is a political crime punishable by shame and rage, and she’ll make sure those happen, that your boundaries get tested and your alliances reassured, and that you pay your fines, and it will require passing through several stages of love / hate, walking on eggshells, breakups make ups and endless drama, as long as she considers you a valuable asset, until you’re hers, or you’re out.
I dont know if it’s a flavor or BPD/N, but whatever it is, her charisma works. I think she gets 20k-50K visitors a month. That’s a lot of people wanting to play.
But, if you feel like playing, at least know what you’re playing.
“Previous research has shown in the week near ovulation women become attracted to sexy, rebellious and handsome men like George Clooney or James Bond [...] Under the hormonal influence of ovulation, women delude themselves into thinking that the sexy bad boys will become devoted partners and better dads,” Durante said. “When looking at the sexy cad through ovulation goggles, Mr. Wrong looked exactly like Mr. Right.”
No. Idiot. You’re rationalizing bad boy attraction, so you can keep the comfortable lie that nice guys trigger any attraction at all, that women are “thinking long term” when it comes to attraction, and that all women want is to find a good husband… but they pick bad boys who are unsuitable for marriage, every time their body wants to procreate, by mistake!
That, and that whenever women do something that is morally wrong, it’s because somehow they have been tricked into it, and therefore they are except of responsibility – and the responsibility goes to the nearest man we can dump the blame on.
On this episode, the poor girls have been tricked, abused and manipulated by their own hormones! Bad, bad hormonal cycle! Leave women alone! These poor girls without any agency nor intelligence nor accountability!
How dare you? You evil, evil biology! Leave women alone! I warn you!
* * *
“oh hi… I know I only met you a few hours ago and Im already sucking your cock… but it’s ONLY because… I thought you were going to marry me? oh no? my body has fooled me yet again! … I was only horny and lonely and went to some party and got drunk and flirted with some guys, bounced out boring guys and ended with you… all confident and hot and dominant and you only wanted to FUCK me ohh yes yes fuck me good good…. Im so naive!! I totally thought I was fucking with a nicer guy!!”
* * *
On a similar note, I dont think we’re going to see a scientific study rationalizing that when a man gets a hard on in presence of a hot girl, he’s really thinking long term and picturing her as a nurturing caring mom, and that men’s drives are in sync with morality and virtue, and that any “mistake” is just the result of some evil external force that… produces erections and makes us do stupid shit.
We’re not going to see it because men are expected to be pigs.
It’s the fact that women are pigs, too, what needs to be hidden and rationalized away in this culture.
There is a contempt point that seems to elude Tyler and every other PUA instructor, even when this is at the very foundation of Game:
1 ) Women are attracted to high value, confident, dominant, successful, abundance minded, social proofed, cocky, funny, resourceful, grown up, attractive, men.
2 ) The one with less value chases the one with higher value. The one with the more needy frame concedes to the one with the less needy frame. The one who needs the less controls the interaction.
3 ) 1+2 = women are naturally attracted to high value men who dont need them back as much. Once in this position, women surrender and are happy to be led, and they complement their man in every way they can and keep him happy, because he’s still a catch. She follows him, he doesnt follow her. It’s a dance.
4 ) All this wording is just: Hypergamy.
5 ) When other girls want what she has, that makes her desire increase.
6 ) Once she’s attracted to a man, once that fully kicked in, nothing else matters. As long as the strong attraction is there, as long as his high-value is there, he can do anything, other people can do and say anything: the bond will stay. Like Rollo says, “Hypergamy doesn’t care”
7 ) In other words, Hypergamy also trumps Game. Or, everything done under Hypergamy, either increases attraction or is invisible to attraction.
8 ) If she wants a man she makes it easy for him. If she doesn’t want a man, she makes it hard for him. And when I say easy / hard, I really mean those words.
* * *
Good? we all know that right? so.
1 ) You only need to “approach” women because they are not chasing you.
2 ) Every time you “open” a girl you have to establish the whole frame again? because you have nothing built.
3 ) What keeps you in the “approach” phase is that you’re low value. Actually, you keep playing the game because it reinforces your low value. You get tiny, short validations that pump your value up, a little, and make you have insecure dreams of glory and “what could have been”, then you go back to the comfort of the low value. You’re playing an addiction game.
Duh.
4 ) If you’re low value, your interactions with girls will be of the hard kind. If you’re high value, your interactions will be the easy kind. If you plan to have thousands of interactions, on which flavor do you want them? easy or hard?
5 ) Having lots of hard, low value interactions is not how you raise your value. Losing is not how you win. There’s failure and defeat and loss and mistakes on the roadmap, of course, but losing is not how you win. Winning is how you win.
6 ) So how do you want your next 1000 interactions to be like, again? easy, or hard? do you want an uphill battle, or a landslide? do you want to be embraced, or rejected? easy, or hard? abundance, or scarcity? success, or failure? what are you after?
Do you want to be successful with women, for real?
Make it easy.
Instead of keeping your current value and position in the chain, and approaching thousands of girls while trying to emulate upper value behaviors… upper your own value in the chain, and socialize everyone, thousands of people, while you’re at it, and develop real upper value behaviors that are consistent with your real upper value in the chain.
Grow up your persona and your value and make thousands of relationships that STAY. Build a net of connections that STAY. Build.
Build up your value. And socialize. Do you like game? then incorporate Game, whatever you like about it, or all of it, into you. Make what you really like, default, so there’s never a “deflating” back to the “real you”. Change who you really are. Up your value. And interact with a lot of people from there, as you go up.
I can’t say this enough.
So. You’ve seen famous, powerful people, business owners, etc? the guys other guys treat with deference and women flirt with? you’ve seen the guy who clearly owns his circumstances and has everything working for him, and emanates that before even saying a word?
“Approaching” doesnt enter his lexicon.
Fuck. I dont “approach”. I TALK. I MEET PEOPLE. I FORM RELATIONSHIPS. WITH PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO BE WITH ME AND I WANT TO BE WITH. But most of it, really, is just filtering.
Compare. Approaching vs Filtering.
You’re better off spending 3 years building up your value as a man and playing a cumulative game and growth game and socializing with lots of people and women, and knowing what you’re doing, than, spending 3 years with your current value and “approaching” thousands of women while improving your superficial “verbal / behavioral game”, that you’re using so you dont feel that bad about your real low value, anyway.
Oh boy.
And over 10 years? it’s a no brainer.
You know that “natural” PUAs keep talking about? A natural is a guy who doesnt “pretend” to have value, but just has it. So have it.
I am indeed working on being more attractive and getting my needs met first and foremost, I am also going to try something else that I hope will improve things greatly.
I’m going to do my best to teach my SO about herself.
I honestly don’t see how this can work if my mate remains completely clueless. Athol’s wife of course is fully on board with his efforts.
[...]
I can’t see this working long term if she remains completely clueless about all this.
* * *
Unless she’s asking you to teach her about herself, this won’t work.
1) If you care about her change more than she does, you become codependent, if you’re not already (chances are you are)
2) By finding the solution on the awareness of other people, by focusing on the external, you transfer your own blame and inadecuate feelings and painful emotions into other people. On the long run, you’ll make everything worse.
3) She may be a kid, but she’s not your kid. Even when we usually refer to women as children, what it really means is that you must strive to become an adult in your relationship.
A) Even if she was your kid and you wanted her to change, “explaining her herself” doesnt do anything. Kids don’t need explanations, they need rules and consistency and an intelligence stronger than their own they can trust. They will be able to process explanations, in case they ever want them, once they are curious about how things WORK. For that, they have to see that stuff WORKS first. They need to experience the rule before they can rationalize the explanation.
B) Women are more emotional than men. You have to handle her with emotional intelligence, not rational intelligence. If she’s in a middle of an emotional turmoil and you attempt the logic-explanation path, she’ll get angrier because you don’t understand her and you’re trying to manipulate her rational mind into changing her emotions, when you should be paying attention to her emotions. And what does paying attention to her emotions mean? not necessarily that you surrender to them. But you have to treat them as real, when they are, and spank her / reprehend her when she’s just being silly.
and
4) You’ve been in a relationship with her for a while. You know this woman. What is exactly what you’re going to explain her about herself that she doesnt know already? and, how well has she taken “explanations” about herself that are not pleasant, codename: criticism?. How does she handle being confronted with rational explanations she doesnt want to hear, or facets of herself that have negative connotations?
And last
5) With stuff like “Athol’s wife supports his efforts” and comparisons to other couples, you’re only saying that your SO doesnt support your efforts, that you’re envy of other couples, you’re bringing jealousy and pityness into your situation. By saying “I don’t know if we cant last, I can’t see this working long term unless she…” you’re setting an ultimatum. You whiny bitch.
You want her to change so you can change and want her to understand and grow sou you can grow, or else. How old are you? You’re supposed to kick her out of your life if she doesnt qualify. You’re not supposed to bring her in and build ties and then ask HER to change. If you’re already in a relationship and you found that you have to change, tell her that YOU are changing, and change. If she wants to stay with you, she’ll follow.
* * *
Dude. When your kids do something improper. Do you sit them them down and explain them the history of mankind and all the context and variables and why what they did upset you so much so they can take in consideration your feelings and their own and all humanity and society and the rules, so they can make their own choice?
Or do you tell them: “Don’t do THAT”, firmly, let them get the message, then let them go?
Guess which kid is going to be happier?
You’re supposed to be the adult. The MAN in the relationship. That means it’s your job to digest reality and expose yourself to all the danger and complexities of the world, deal with it, find solutions for it, digest it, and make it SIMPLE. Make it WORK.
This means you’re not supposed to explain other people in your circuit. You’re not supposed to be a non-playing supportive agent that keeps giving advice and explanations to the person in charge. You’re the one expected to be in charge. You’re supposed to lead. You’re supposed to be only listening to the feedback other people do on YOUR leadership. Not listening so you follow them, but listening so you know how to lead better. This is not a game where you explain and teach but where they ultimately decide what to do.
You’re supposed to tell them what to do, and if needed, how. “Why” only if they ask you directly, but the “why” is not so they agree with you. They should agree with you because you’re a proven decision maker, and because they trust you, and because it’s implicit. Because you’re the adult, and they chose you. And you’re good for them. You make it easier, you make it simple, you make it work.
* * *
So. You found your scapegoat and decided that you’re going to teach her herself.
First examine why, exactly, you need so badly that she realizes who she is and what she’s doing to you. And why you need to verbalize and she to accept your verbalization and to change, to please you, based on your understanding of how the world works instead of her own viewpoints. Why on the face of the uncomfortable, you need HER to change HER mind in order for YOU to have what YOU want.
Why do you need to do all that manipulative process, instead of, say, being the person and acting in the way the end result is for granted, quitting the approval seeking and approval dependance, and the clinginess and neediness – and becoming an adult and lead by example, sans-explanations.
You’re placing her as a stepping stone to your own change.
It won’t work.
* * *
Last note. Instead of teaching her herself, teach her YOU. She’ll learn about herself in the process. At her own pace.
I think I have the concept of game well covered) how game works. It is using specific actions to trigger specific reactions from a woman. In a way, I see it as a social way of making a person’s leg twitch by hitting the kneecap with a rubber mallet. It is a reaction to a trigger. I don’t have any issue with understanding that. My issue is, why do we have to go through all this?
We are intelligent creatures, totally and utterly capable of overriding our most basic and strongest biological urges, yet instead of simply standing up and saying “this is stupid. lets fix it” we keep finding ways to bump woman with that rubber mallet.
You were in the military, so you have seen this plenty of times. If we could not override our nature, no human alive would run into a burning building to save a stranger. No human would go to war for their country. The fact that people can and have sacrificed themselves for another person, or even the “greater good”, proves beyond all doubt that there really is no need for “game” if we would simply stop rutting in our “nature” and rose above to become something better. THAT is the reason I keep looking for the why of it all. Not because I don’t understand how it works, but because I simply cannot fathom why we all collectively don’t just wise up and change the rules. And this is also why I tend to feel that “people” suck.
Collectively we will gravitate toward the lowest common denominator even though we have the capacity to be much more. Unless pushed, most people simply don’t care to improve. Yes, I get that the sky is blue and water is wet. But the sky and water do not have self awareness and intelligence to become something else. To simply state that something just “is” when it comes to female sexuality is completely removing intelligence and will from the equation.
———————-
OK, let’s break it down.
[Game] is using specific actions to trigger specific reactions from a woman.
No. Social interaction is what you do to trigger specific reactions from people. Really think, sit and process that one. From the moment you open your mouth, greet people, say hi, hello, thanks, all your demeanor, all your public presence an interactions, are, exclusively, actions that trigger specific reactions on people.
If you’re kind to other people you expect kindness back. If you are abusive to other people, you expect them to respond as victims do. If you tell jokes, you expect laughs. If you are generous, you expect gratitude. Whenever you dont get what you EXPECT, you’re going to feel hurt. You’re going to feel that how the world treats you doesnt match what your inputting. Simply put, your ability to get disoriented and hurt exposes your selfish, self centered, manipulative, inner bitch.
Now, this is less manipulative if what you do and what you project is “really” what you feel and how you are, and you’re not doing it “because” you expect any specific return. But go ahead, and examine if you’re doing what you’re doing because that “is you”, or because you expect something in return. How to measure that? check the pain meter. The more hurt you are, the more you’re doing whatever you’re doing to get something in return.
So, no, game is not using specific actions to get specific reactions. Action / Reaction is just socialization.
Game is a map telling you which actions trigger which reactions and why. And you can use that to overwrite the non-functioning one.
My issue is, why do we have to go through all this?
We are intelligent creatures, totally and utterly capable of overriding our most basic and strongest biological urges
No we’re not.
We’re intelligent. Cough. Yes. But intelligence is only needed when there’s pain, and the use of intelligence requires a deliberate, problem solving approach – it requires acknowledge of pain AND having the responsibility to go find and fix the issue. So you’re only going to use your intelligence when you cant ignore/placate the pain AND you cant use someone else to figure it out. That’s just how it is. It’s called conservation of energy.
And then, intelligence is only at the service of your basic and strong biological urges. Intelligence only works when you’re in pain, remember? you cant override your pain with intelligence. Your pain is the fuel. You will think and problem solve and reach agreements and do whatever you can to survive. Surviving is not a rational drive. Actually, I´ll wait here while you look for a single example of any human being overriding their most basic and strongest biological urges.
We dont want intelligence. Dude. You dont want the intelligence to, say, handle x1000 the problems you can handle now. You dont want the intelligence to figure out every problem in the world and take on them. What you want is pleasure, comfort, fitness, and control. You need intelligence to handle the stuff that is preventing you from reaching that state, you need intelligence to find your way through, but you’re going to use your intelligence to make yourself happy, or make yourself comfortable in whatever situation you’re in and survive, and not the other way around. Intelligence is a tool. Once you reach your destiny, you’re going to relax and turn it off. As you should.
If we could not override our nature, no human alive would run into a burning building to save a stranger. No human would go to war for their country.
Why is it then that women dont go into the burning building to save male strangers, but men do?
Check Animal Planet. Animals do fight, go to war, protect their women and children, eggs, the colmena, animals live in war and put themselves second when needed, in order for their tribe to survive. Bottom line, this isnt a human, rational construct. Wars and society and firefighters and heroes are part of our animal imprint.
Actually, try to talk rationally to a soldier into NOT going into war. And you’ll get an emotional, not rational, response.
if we would simply stop rutting in our “nature” and rose above to become something better.
But this hits the nail.
Stop rutting our nature and become something better. On one hand, you despise your nature, you’re drowning in shame and self rejection, and cant find your way to accept yourself and other people, you find yourself as an outcast, and see our base nature as defectful. On the other hand, you think you can do “better”. Say, nature rigged this thing, but Ted has a better idea, and the idea is to add more intelligence (more problem solving) to the mix. So you’re in pain right? you’re in trouble. Who do you think it’s going to dictate what that “better” is? who do you think is going to lay the rules down so your intelligence can figure out a “better” human being? because all I can see is your pain, your very defectul, unfit and rejected biological nature…. full of pain… your inner manipulative bitchy beautiful monster, unwilling to use your own intelligence to solve the problem you’re in for yourself.
In other words, you want all of us, you want the world to change and overwrite the basic nature and use their intelligence to form bridges, because your own body is in pain, and you are unwilling to use your own intelligence to figure it out.
You want to conserve your energy and waste ours.
So go fuck yourself. And I love you, my friend, but fuck yourself already. Grow the fuck up.
THAT is the reason I keep looking for the why of it all.
I hope I provided.
Not because I don’t understand how it works, but because I simply cannot fathom why we all collectively don’t just wise up and change the rules. And this is also why I tend to feel that “people” suck.
People suck. I suck. You suck. We’re are horrible. But we’re cool and beautiful too. Carry your own mess and use your own intelligence – dive into your own pain and own your own hurts, stop being lazy now and use your own energy to figure this out, instead of asking everyone else and ringing the false high-road bell. Save laziness for the future. Procastinate laziness, save that for when you’ve made it. For when you’re good.
Own your own mess. And you´ll see it.
Collectively we will gravitate toward the lowest common denominator even though we have the capacity to be much more. Unless pushed, most people simply don’t care to improve.
You’ve got it. We tend to conservate energy. Unless there’s trouble, pain, conflict, why change? we can be “so much more” really translates to “we can be different”. But if when there’s no trouble, pain or conflict… what’s the point on being different? you hold on to that state. As you should.
Converting capacity / potential into factual, real goods takes work. Now ask yourself how much work do you want to put into reaching all your capacity and potential, while holding to the idea that this is just a “different” you, not necessarily “better”, because “better” is mostly defined by the external conditions. So how much work?
If you’re sane, the response is as much work as needed, but as little as possible.
For a lot of people whatever they are doing simply works. They manage to get to the end of the week and to the end of the month. That’s all it takes to hold on.
Yes, I get that the sky is blue and water is wet. But the sky and water do not have self awareness and intelligence to become something else. To simply state that something just “is” when it comes to female sexuality is completely removing intelligence and will from the equation.
You dont become something else because you’re aware. You become something else when you dont have other choice. Let’s say the sky and water had self awareness. What would you expect them to become? what’s wrong with the sky and water to begin with? what’s going to happen? sky + water 3.0 with a usb port? what for?
How is intelligence going to change masculine and feminine sexuality, when it’s not broken? if anything, intelligence is going to break it to fit your previously broken stuff, like feminism and some other religions have.
Stop putting this stuff outside.
What you’re doing is complaining that whatever you’re doing doesnt work, doesnt give you what you expected to receive in exchange of your behavior / manipulation, and you want other people to use their intelligence, or if they dont, at least blame your pain on them for not doing it, so you dont have to own your own pain, dont have to use your own intelligence, and dont have to change and become a different version of you.
You’re like a crying baby, except you’re in age to walking to the kitchen, open the fridge, and feed yourself.
Bro, Im still digesting this stuff, but here’s the succint that explains where all of your problems come from: watch the video.
There are four pieces in play. Two people, one needing, other giving, one owning the frame, other reacting to the frame, one needing the other for survival, and an ambivalence that goes between “hey Im cute look at me!” and “fuck Im furious look at me”, and then the range of hate / love / sadness / despair / joy / safeness that happens between the two.
That circuit gets printed before we learn to talk = before we are able to form abstract and concepts. It’s a basic four piece, emotional / behavioral circuit.
There are many ways that circuit can be imprinted “wrong”. One is to have the mom (or dads) on the receiving end, making the kid the giver. Other is having him owning the frame. Other is to have the mom (or dads) respond only when the kid acts out. Other is making the kid act out and then silence him / punish him for it. Etc. Shortly, the kid understands the game and starts to play it.
And then you build everything on top.
Your experiences from ages 12-21, of course helped forming you, because you’re 35 now and this is a sum accumulative game. But honestly, what happened to you from 12-21, are the same mechanics that were already happening, only adding more external world influence, sex drive, and additional pressures.
Im trying to locate the source of the pain, and is this: like a compass or a geometrical piece that wants to find equilibrium, the pain wants to find the “good” again (from the good the bad and the ugly), but it only knows to reach that “good” by balancing violently between the bad and the ugly and episodes of rage and if that doesnt work, splitting / self mutilation ( cutting out the undesired parts of you, your past, identity, emotions, people, relationships, blocking stuff out, etc)
It’s a constant look out for the elusive “good” part of the dynamic.
Then BPD and narcissim, codependency etc: when this stuff get’s bad imprinted, it’s like the foundation of the building isnt strong enough, so the building cant grow normal. Like a bonsai or something. The learned game doesnt “work” so it keeps trying, its an internal struggle that never resolves. Like the rat that pushes the lever once and again and gets rewards randomly ( the basis of compulsive behavior / addiction ). Plus the whole identity gets build on top of it.
BPD narcissim etc equals having the emotional growth of a three year old or so. You get stuck to the mechanics that quite dont work ( yet are the only you know ) and miss the mechanics that you would have developed in the subsequent years.
Say, if you knew how to get to the good part, and how to get to the bad and ugly part on your own, with control over your emotions, by the time sexuality peaked, age 12, you would have had natural “game”, and you would have been assertive about your needs and wants.
But you werent confident / self reassured about your needs and wants, because you were still negotiating how to even feel “good” and safe, so you didnt develop game nor saw girls / relationships for what they were – but you just added this to the previous unresolved mix, like, seeking the “good” (basic, maternal, paternal love where you’re defenseless and you’re intimally loved and taken care of and safe) from girls, mixing the defenseless and the sexual aggressive drive and the long time affection longing and the sense of dispair of never feeling safe, etc. and, adding the ugly and acting out and resenting the “big provider” for being such a manipulator, and whatever other mechanisms you needed to stabilize the original game, being a control freak, or being a doormat, or placing your needs last, or placing them first, exercising too much pressure (abusing), or letting yourself be abused, attaching too strongly, or refusing to attach at all, the places you had to go or the places you were forbidden to go, or whatever, whatever you had to learn and repeat so you could have access to the good part, or could live at all if the good part never came.
And then add years and years of rationalization that attempted to normalize this so you could do other stuff, have friends, work, study, have a life.
The idea seems to be that people are stuck on an emotional development age. It explains a hell of a lot for me.
Then of course, when you “click” with somebody, it’s your internal game, the primal game what clicks. You see the opportunity to play the game and win it this time. Whatever that game is, whatever the imprint is, “that” is what is going to repeat. You’re going to repeat what already happened, because you’re still playing that game, and you’re asking around who wants to play it with you.
Fill a broken cup and it’s gonna be drained before you even get to taste it, even though you paid its full price. Pay for a refill and that one, again, is going to be emptied before it touches your lips.
As long as you’re broken, no matter what you do, what you achieve, how much work you put into; you’ll be paying the full price and successive refills, once and again, to get only a fraction.
II
The temptation is to keep working on avoiding the pain, filling the void, reaching a spot of stability on turbulent waters, reaching a new peak of glory, finding salvation, holding to something that makes you make sense… while running away from the darkness, running away from the pain, from the unwanted, from the hurt.
The temptation is to find comfort in pleasure while in you’re in pain, or, to heal the void by filling the void.
But attempting to heal the void while filling the void won’t let you do either.
III
Healing your void involves feeling the pain to it’s root. Filling your void involves avoiding the pain.
The pain drives you to overcompensate and create a shiny illusion of yourself that balances all that darkness. While you’re driven, you spend that energy on the false self to get goods that validate that false self. But the cup is broken. When the energy runs out, the false self dissolves and you fall back to the darkness, even hungrier.
So you can’t push in both directions. Can’t heal the darkness while avoiding it. Can’t heal the pain while getting aids for the pain.
IV
The pain will heal when you stop resisting and allow yourself to feel it.
When you do, that will expose the wound. Once the wound is finally exposed, it’s gonna be infected, due the long time neglect and all the stuff and mistakes that made it worse. But it will heal. Once the wound is part of your consciousness, it will heal, like any other wound in the body, because that’s what the body does. The body repairs itself, as long as the body can detect the wound and has enough energy & resources.
So when you do it, when you stop resisting and allow yourself to feel the pain and the wound gets exposed, all of that energy is liberated and the wound begins to heal, from the bottom up. Just like a broken bone or a cut in the flesh.
All the energy you were using to avoid feeling the pain is now used by your body to heal the wound.
And when that happens the pain concedes, it’s a transition. It’s a healing process. It takes time, but it’s done, for real.
V
Once the pain is felt and wound is healed, you’re not longer driven to avoid it, the pain is not pushing you all day long to do something to silence it. There’s not longer a void, which was created by you making walls to block and isolate parts of your self. There’s not longer a need for a false self to cover the dark self and no dark impulses and no shame and no guilt. There’s no dissociation. There’s no fracture. You’re one. And you, as one, are able to feel and experience everything at it’s full, non repressed intensity. You’re not longer numb, you’re not longer lost.
Which means, your compass gets back to working properly. Like it was before it got broken. Which means you can now trust your instincts, drives, desires and needs. Which means you can continue to grow and develop on top of it.
And all that energy, all that drive, all the energy that was repressed and lost in distractions, now you can use to do the stuff that really matters to you, and get the stuff that really matter to you.
The cup is not longer broken. Fill it, fill it baby.
If you havent stopped by the rawness lately or you dont know gettingbetter.com, make a room in your schedule and prepare to absorb these articles. This is going to do you much better than anything I can post here at the moment.
For once, while Im gaining understanding of my own emotional body and seeing more clearly what I’ve been doing and where I should go, I am ALSO gaining insight on differences between gender behavior and just plain craziness.
Check this out and you’ll see what I mean, from gettingbetter:
————————————-
‘TILL DEATH DO US PART
BPD and The Marriage Crucible
EDIT: Shari asked me to take down her post, so go read it here instead. Well worth your time.
Great and succinct post from Roosh, to which I would add:
Everyone is wanting you to fail, except of the people who benefit from you winning. Those people NEED you to win.
Not that they necessarily share your goals, but everyone needs an icon. Something that represents something else they are invested in. In some cases that benefit is material, say, like in politics or religion. Or anything else involving money.
And not that they can give you advice either. If they do it’s probably going to be shitty advice. Advice should be taken, only, from people who A) have achieved what you want to achieve and B) want you to succeed.
A roadmap to success is to build a group of people who need you to win. A group of people who benefit from you making it. Be it because they believe, or because their share of the pie comes from yours.
If it’s not your dad nor your sisters, family and friends, well too bad. Fuck it. Leave and get a new circle. Form a new tribe.
When you lack logical rigurosity and the willingness to change your ideas to fit uncomfortable data and facts, magical thinking helps you wrap the unknown into beautiful lies that make you feel good.
The rationalization hamster is a magical creature.
The Last Psychiatrist usually has interesting insight on popular culture and movies. This is a mashup from my comments there:
I didnt read either book, I only watched the movies. That is, the Harry Potter movies and THG one. So take this with a grain of salt.
Manhood. Males compete and train and adhere to greatest principles. The underlying drive, always, is competition, to possess the higher force, the more fine tuned resource, the bigger cock, etc. To outlast, outperform, outsmart, dominate. To win.
A character is “manlier” when he decides, consistently, to defeat the environment, to prevail, to be stronger than, to amass power, to do the higher cause thing, etc. When he says “no” to forced circumstances and keeps pushing, against all odds, to make things his way. And this drive shines in absense of external encouragement – and often at expenses of it.
So. Harry doesnt defeat Voldemort. He goes to the forest because he doesnt want other people to die, and surrenders. The manly move would have been to go into the forest with either a plan or a bigger cock and kill the enemy. Instead, he recognizes Volermort’s bigger cock and offers himself to him. Voldemort only ends up dead because it’s a happy story. Harry’s cock didnt kill him, the story did.
Then, to make it even more unmanly, Harry is rewarded the hyper powerful bigger than the universe magical stick… and he gets rid of it. Harry doesnt want the power, doesnt want the supreme magic, doesnt want the trouble. All he wants is peace and stability and to grow a family and take his kids to school and the comfort and the familiar. He doesnt want to go further and push the envelope and take decisions that radically alter things, he doesnt want to grow into a legend, he wants to be normal, he wants the mundane.
He has “feminine” goals.
In nature, and in society, a man with such safe ambitions rarely can achieve them, because men do have to compete other men and rank higher on the men’s ladder to have a shot at reproduction and stability. Heck. When women – who primarily want stability and comfort and safety and to have stuff done and provided to them – are screening for partners, they usually pick the more dominant, higher ranked men in the group, the men who can actually risk themselves out there in the so dangerous world and win some prizes, so they can provide safety and stability for others.
So guys with the ambition of Harry Potter have NO chance to do the stuff Harry Potter does in the movies. Nor can inspire all that movement around them, nor the sympathy nor the loyalty nor the admiration.
But his story makes sense if he’s a girl. A magical, underage virginal girl that everyone wants to protect and is willing to die and kill for. A girl who has value because of who she is – a jewel, a symbol, an object – and not because of what she does. And at the end, after every other option has been exhausted, she “chooses” to sacrifice herself to avoid the suffering of the ones she loves. The ultimate sacrifice. She abandons her comfort, goes into the forest and let’s the dangerous, evil, powerful man have her. She totally surrenders to him. Yum. You bet she was turned on?
Now that’s a story that has been told SO many times.
Which brings us to Katniss.
“you would likely understand that Katniss chooses to lead a rebellion”
Im going out on a limp here and guess that when she “chooses” to “lead?” a rebellion, it’s pretty much the only thing she can do, like when she “chooses” to take her sister’s place or when she “chooses” to team with Peeta or when she “chooses” to shoot an arrow to some killer running towards her or when she “chooses” to cut some bee’s nest that was – so conveniently – at the reach of her hand.
While anything can be viewed as a “choice”, a real choice is when the externals are not pushing towards it as the “only, and only possibility, or else”. In this sense, Katniss doesnt make any choices on the movie. She doesnt stick to any decision. She reacts to the environment, she self-defends, taking what seems to be the best choice, which is usually presented in comparison to some other unfathomable choice, and the story takes charge, presenting her with the choices she has to make. And then she makes them.
She’s pretty much a stone carried by a grandiose wave.
She’s a leaf on a tsunami.
I still dont get why anyone would call her “badass” or strong. She did what she had to do. But her decisions werent her own. In a different story or context, she would have launched the Hiroshima bomb, or she would have sacrificed herself to the Hiroshima bomb, depending on what the story requested from her.
She’s no more badass than the avarage teenager.
If she had been born in the Capitol she would be hosting the Hunger Games herself. You know, to feed her family. And those fire dresses are expensive.
When you drive the story you own your circumstances, you’re the cause, your decisions have long repercussions you have to deal with, the environment is your mirror, you have the power, you’re the active element, and you are either a hero, or a villain.
When the story drives you, when the story happens to you, the circumstances own you, the environment determines your decisions and channels your actions, you’re just the mirror of your environment, you dont have power, you’re a passive element, you’re a victim on the hands of either a responsible parent or an abuser.
What about irrecoverable omegas? Betas could make it work. But irrecoverable omegas, who maybe are screwed by permanent reasons entirely beyond their control (and mental illness and personality disorders count!) cannot make it work no matter what. I think the Game community would help themselves if, instead of saying “Game works no matter what!” and then getting sniped at by haters who then cite irrecoverable omegas, Game advocates wisely countered with “Game works, except for omegas, who need to focus on [something else].”
This would peel away one of the biggest weapons of the haters: pointing to the small group of completely hopeless omegas for whom Game would never work and citing that group as proof that Game doesn’t work. The Game community needs to stop getting slammed by the outliers. Vox is the only site run by a non-crazy person who actually recognizes and writes about omegas-who they are, what happens to them, where they go. (Game for Omegas is written by a gamma and DA is no longer writing a blog. The rest, like W&N, are crazy.)
Then the question becomes: what makes for hopeless omegadom?
———————————————————————————————————
I was an omega myself. I know that question very well. What makes for hopeless omegadom?
Or, what can help you when you’re helpless? or, which medicine can cure you from an incurable, terminal sickness?
I
How about if you’re a stupid, awkward ugly fat unfunny bunny… who was running from home because nobody wanted you… and you were chasing a cute bunny who wanted to be your friend, but she got hit by a truck and is all splattered over the street now… and oh you also got hit by a truck while crossing the street… and your spine is broken… and you can barely move while a hungry cat comes around… oh he’s eating your legs now… and see that fly on your nose? its injecting you with larvae…. and a vulture just took your left eye, and your right one is kinda blurry… and bleeding… and you see that pink fluid around? the truck’s hit made a crack on your skull and half of your brain is spread all over the street…
What can help you now?
II
Some cultures like the Japanese do these over the top hopeless scenarios to make the heroic achievement bigger. The bunny would stand up and fight back ultimately defeat the truck and get the girl. That’s why I liked manga so much. Occident though, specially in movies, routinely makes the hero fail, and then an unexpected accident / miracle happens.
So what will make it for our bunny? heroism or magic?
Thing is, the bunny is already taking pride as a martyr.
III
What makes for hopeless omegadom?
Nothing, because of the “hopeless” there. The premise defeats the question. The more you feed it with answers, the more it will have to emphasize the hopelessness aspect to keep the outcome even.
The scenario is looking for a very particular flavor of pain. One that is both extreme and stable. It’s a worst case scenario, but also, one that can’t change. This means that nothing worse can happen, unless you attempt to repair it or to bring good stuff into it… because when there’s good stuff, all can go fucked up again. So good stuff = pain. But it’s also looking for validation, self victimization, transfer of blame: ego survival, in a fucked up sense.
In other words, every solution, every attempt to change the scenario just brings a challenge to make the problem more complex, to make the scenario meaner.
The more you bring help or solutions, the bigger the problem becomes.
What can heal you when you want to be sick?
Nothing. First you must want to be healthy.
IV
Usually a full dosis of pain and a complete failure is needed for that frame to change.
Death is needed. Say. The bunny just dies, and nobody gives a fuck because everyone is dancing at the party next door. Actually the bunny’s leather made it into a carpet and a pair of shoes: the bunny’s life and suffering and complete existence have no value.
If the ego return is cut. If the hopeless stop getting the “solutions”. If you stop feeding the machine, the machine usually collapses. With death, with lack of return, with lack of answers – chances are the mind will just let go of the hopeless scenario, because it didnt work.
And you might see the bunny suddenly standing up, growing a leg, picking up his brains and going home. Yeah the same bunny who couldnt walk.
You´re likely to see it again, ran over by a different truck at a different street tomorrow, though.
V
In order to give the omega a proper treatment, the premise has to change. The omega cant be “hopeless” anymore. And in the process, the omega identification itself will die. With so much pain, ego and death involved, you´ll see all sort of defense mechanisms here, even if you’re sorting this kind of stuff in yourself.
It’s easier to look away than it is to change what “it feels like death” to change.
The solution, at the end, is to get behind of the pain / shame / wants / identification drive and turn off that projector. Turn off that movie.
And look at what is really there.
————
Edit: a reader corrected me on the meaning of “what makes for”, turns out it means “what constitutes” instead of “what can be done for” … oh well.
How should I respond to a girl staring directly into my eyes?
Women have been doing this to me often practically since I’ve left high school 10 years ago.
Sometimes I got scared because (I’m stupid), but most of the time I just don’t know how to respond. These women stare straight into my eyes, I stare back into their eyes and then I am the one to usually look to the side (before I would look down).
What should I do? are they trying to test my alpha-ness? It would be very helpful if you could answer this question. Because I have had some very attractive women stare right into my eyes, aggressively and I know that I have missed out on some amazing opportunities with women around my age (29). And now younger women are doing it to me, which is allot less intimidating.
How should I respond to strangers?
———————————————————————————————————————————
First a frame change:
“they are trying to test my alpha-ness.”
It’s not a test.
It’s a taste.
She is “wondering” what’s your alphaness. She’s curious. She wants to find out more. If you frame it as a “test” then you’ll want to “perform and score”, like she’s your judge, placing her and her interests above of yours, and by doing so, your alphaness will be low, so her curiosity won’t be satiated, and your imaginary test will fail.
So she is staring at you with status curiosity, she’s tasting you. What should you do?
Look back at her with sexual curiosity. Taste her.
Try to figure just by looking, how ready is she to go fuck with you. Look for fertility cues, look at her facial expression. Measure if she would be a pleasant fuck, picture yourself with her. Is she a moaner? what’s her favorite position? is she good at it? what’s her number? would you do it in an elevator with her? How compatible are you? vibe her, smell her, like she’s a sexual flower.
She’ll know when you’re doing that. You pinged her back.
She´ll blush and look away, then look at you again, or she´ll keep staring at you with anticipation: Go and say hi.
Or she will keep an analytical stare and then break it – like she wants to be worked for: Hold it. She´ll come when you’re with another girl.
Or she will be disinterested, or you will, in which case, it doesnt matter.
But if you liked her and you’re curious, go and say hi, find out if she’s cool.
My name is Yohami.
Im a Singer/Songwriter.
Im on my way to have fun. 
