When I feel the void, my job is to feel the void.

Not to cover it nor to avoid it nor to fill it quickly nor to deny it nor to escape from it, but to feel it, to go deep in those feelings and find the crack. Finding and accepting the existence of the crack, becoming aware and observing of the crack, starts a process where my own body heals it, just like it heals any other wound when it’s triggering pain. Then the void get’s filled by my own body with self love, as it was filled before the void-inducing crack/wound happened. It returns to an original state.

Mental note of the day: Find the crack + Fill your own cup.

Just realized that the overpresent narcissism in politics matches with the codependent behavior of the masses.

The politicians are the narcissistic supply of the voters. An idealized super-human figure the voters acquire to make up for their own deficiencies, someone to fixate with, and this fixation is both the investment and the reward of such transaction. It’s not about what this figure actually does – it’s about what he/she is. Shame dynamics. That’s why nobody cares about actually solving the issues nor discussing what’s really going on, and why truth is so easily pushed aside. It’s all advocacy. It’s all drugs.

By the time anyone enters the discussion they have already picked a winner, which is just a flavor of that drug. You can argue against an idea, but you cannot argue against a flavor. Pathologies win.

Yeah dude, fuck my girlfriend, I dont mind.

I am an Omega and Im five years old. We are playing the lion and other animals in kindergarden. She says she wants to marry mr zebra. And that I am never going to be her boyfriend.

Six. Blonde cute princess. I make a paper collar, a ring and some drawings for her. Wrap them into a letter, asking if she wants to be my girlfriend. Later I see her wearing the collar, but never get a response.

Seven. I am with this brunette tomboy girl and we are best friends. I also want to jump on top of her, but not sure what for exactly. The kids chant and tease that Im her boyfriend. I deny it.

Eight. I fall in love with a cartoon character. “The girl of the flowers”. She had magical powers. She has a boyfriend, he saves her from time to time.

Nine. I keep Nati’s heart shaped picture in my pocket for a year. When I return to town and see her again she wants to kiss and stuff. I want to play with car toys instead.

Ten. Best friend’s with Dariela and also a crush on her. She goes out in the afternoon to make out with a tiny neighbor boy she doesnt like, but she wants to try the kissing stuff.

Ten. Dariela’s twin younger sisters flirt with me and say that I should want to rape them. I take offense.

Ten. I realize that all I want from a woman is between the neck and the legs. Decide that the greek sculptures are fine as they are.

Eleven. I send letters to every one in my old neighborhood. Pretty girl Daniela confuses it for a gest of interest and wants to have me.

Twelve. Learn to masturbate looking at Kiara’s posters, while locked in a closet. Im on fifth grade. Some girls and boys are already fucking, most of the boys are fucking the same girl, in group, when they gather to “study”.

Fifteen. I fall in love with “Estela” from a “High Expectations” animated series. I realize that I can put all my feelings in a “box” and stop feeling them. But that this sometimes explodes later. I realize I can replace one girl with the next and keep the emotions the same.

Fifteen. Thin spanish Lorena starts flirty letters, says she’s in love, I respond and we become boyfriend and girlfriend on paper. We never kiss. I suspect the letters are really from her sister.

Fifteen. Curly red haired Gloria sends me a letter, saying that I could be a good boyfriend for her. Later she asks if I have a condom.

Fifteen. Ada comes in a dream and she becomes my twilight zone girlfriend. I write letters to the real world Ada and go visit. The real Ada is kind of flattered but confused as to where my infatuation comes from. Also she’s back from a trip to some mountain and has the libs inflated because she was kissing someone.

Sixteen. I write a poetry book for Elisa. She says thanks but rejects it. She becomes boyfriends with a good looking gringo guy she cannot talk with because he doesnt speak spanish. Then a different girl falls in love with me for the book I wrote for Elisa. Then Elisa dumps the gringo and wants me too, sort of, but she is really after one of my friends.

Nineteen. My first kiss. She’s the bassist of my first band. Im in love with her so are my three best friends. Though, she’s just trying to piss off her aunt when she kisses me. She shuffles between all of us and then chases a badder boy who doesnt want her and is into another girl who has a boyfriend. Then she starts fucking the owner of a record store / bar who has a girlfriend. Then she tries cocaine.

Twenty. Lose my virginity to Sandra. She’s 16. We start a short monogamy. On a two weeks travel that I do back to little town, she fucks another guy and his girlfriend, and starts a beta orbiter relationship with one of my musician friends. I dump her. She goes on to have many boyfriends but keeps saying that she wants me to want her. Gets married, cheats on the hubby.

Twenty. Dani, 17, we write poetry and make out. She also has this tall male orbiter with whom she goes to motel rooms “to smoke weed”. We do on and off. She gets pregnant of another dude and marries. Then divorces and takes the kid to another country.

Twenty. Liliana, 19. She likes me when Im dominant instead of shy. She has a rich boyfriend she fucks every day, then she calls me / finds ways for us to be alone.

Twenty. I pick up a fat gothic girl at a party, spend the night masturbating each other. She gets angry that I dont want to go further and calls me shitty names in a public plaza where Im doing some meditation. Becomes girlfriend of one of my friends, then dumps him. Gets married to another dude, then divorces.

Twenty one. Fabiola. She’s 14. I totally surrender to my love for her. We kiss twice. We make promises of eternal love and soul matching. She lives in another city, and when Im back home she falls for another kid who takes his tshirt off and make out at a bonfire while playing the bottle. They hit it off and become boyfriends. Then she dumps him and grabs another one, then dumps him and grabs another one etc. Makes clear I should still be available if / when she needs me. Im special for her, just not that kind of special.

Twenty one, two, three. Celibacy. I discover Castaneda and Alchemy. I try to become a saint, plus Im still in love. I do drugs, I create and burn companies, try to make rich, dream about having a girlfriend, owning my own computer, and a place where I can sleep.

Twenty four. Im moving towards the Beta/White Knight frame and leaving Omega back. Cristina. She’s 17 and a virgin. She’s a rich girl and Im almost homeless. I become her boyfriend and we date for 8 months with no sex. Then she goes out on a weekend camping trip and loses her virginity to some boyscout. Says she needs time but that we should keep in touch and be friends. Never see each other again.

Twenty four. Short attempts to go Bad Boy. Maria, guitar player of some punk band. Become her boyfriend fuck and dump in less than two weeks.

Twenty four. Marina has been in love with me for years. She has a boyfriend, though they are in a hiatus. She’s on my bed after kissing heavily, says she cannot have sex with me because she’s in a relationship, but says we could have sex if I rape her. I pass on the offer. Next day she thanks me for my White Knight morals, then gets off my radar.

Twenty four. Drunk drugged girl is some dude’s girlfriend. She follows me home screaming my name and saying she’s going to have herself killed on the street unless I let her in and fuck her. So I do it. Her boyfriend later finds out and apologizes for her behavior.

Twenty five. Girl student rapes me in a bathroom, where Im puking after having had too many tequilas, while her boyfriend is waiting at the table.

Twenty five. Clara. She’s on my couch, with the legs open and bright eyes, waiting for me to make a move, but I dont make any. She wants a boyfriend and I dont want to mislead her. I hook her up, sort of, with a friend. They marry and then divorce, the dude goes on a punk rock band and tours latin america, while she settles in miami and sends me invitations with sexual remarks.

Twenty five. Carolina, she’s a student. I crush on her and we fuck. She has a long distance boyfriend, which whom she breaks to be with me fulltime. A year later she’s living in USA and repeating the script, having me as a long distance boyfriend while fucking another dude. Then marries that other dude.

Twenty eight. I have matured into a full Beta by now. Cynthia. I fly to Argentina to be with her. She makes me work hard, even moreso after becoming her boyfriend. She finds new dudes to orbit her, a writer, a policeman, a video director. I try to make the relationship and the craziness work to the point of creating a company where both of us can work in and she can create stuff. But we fight a lot and I dump her, then end the business relationship, where I was also playing “Beta of The Month” for my employees. She chases me for a while but then steals my money, becomes a lesbian, and disappears in Europe.

Twenty nine. Barbie. Become her boyfriend for three months. We go from sexual napalm to conversational napalm since she spends all day talking / stressing about unimportant stuff. Dump her over email. She spends seven years widowing our relationship.

Twenty nine. Discover David De Angelo on OKCupid and add “Cocky n Funny” to my Beta thing. Ale. Nice girl. Weekend’s boyfriends for about a year. She doesnt know who Freud/Einstein/Edison/Marx are nor wants to find out. I get bored.

Thirty. Angie. She had been the girlfriend of a friend of mine many years before. We reconnect and connect emotionally, online. One day she is saying she wants my babies, the next day she is flying to Dubai with an ex boyfriend and breaking contact.

Thirty one. Girl is brilliant, beautiful and creative and owns a pet dragon, but also cuts herself and has a sadist angle. I try to save her, want to marry her, she makes me chase her for a while and then reveals she doesnt want me in that way. I cut contact. She keeps saying hi and sending emoticons.

Thirty one. I discover Game and start moving into Alpha/Bad Boy frame. Enter a series of short to instant relationships. Fuck many girls. Half of them with boyfriends. Some of them wear my clothes the morning after and go to skype with the boyfriend, or text “I love you” or talk to them on the phone while I am fucking them.

Thirty three. Flor. Belgian girl playing chess. We meet at a party, take her home and fuck. Two days later I follow her to a camping in Rosario and we fuck all night in the river. She leaves to Chile, spends a few months there, gets a boyfriend, does drugs, comes back to Argentina for a few days, ignores me, then goes back to Belgium saying that she loves me.

Thirty four. Kissing some paraguay girl at a club. Hands down her clitoris. Make out. Drinks dance and stuff. Then “I have a boyfriend”. Then having sex or not. This x10.

Thirty four. Im full on Alpha frame. Nonstrings harem thing. Many girls, soft relationships, fucking several girls at once or in rotation. Some of them have fulltime boyfriends. Some of them want me to be theirs. I feel hollow and crave for real human connections.

Thirty five. Girls nights. Hearing girls talk about their boyfriends and relationships, evenly unhappy, all of them burning in (mostly) repressed desire to fuck other dudes, some of them doing it, some of them planning how to dump the current boyfriend, even though they are moving in with them or purchasing shared cars / properties. How to dump him but keep the car? sort of thing.

Thirty five. She’s a pet trainer and full of joy. She has a remote boyfriend whom she cuts off to be with me, and I cut off my harem to be with her, but she goes back to exboyfriend for two months and fucks him again. I forgive her and take her back, then she goes to diner and stuff with her other exes nonstop. I dump her because Im sure she’s cheating, plus she’s been ramping up on emotional games. She finds a new boyfriend quickly enough and moves in him with. A year later the new boyfriend commits suicide.

Thirty five. I discover “The rawness”. BPD, Narcissim, Codependency etc. I get more insight on what’s going on with the boyfriend / girlfriend thing. My own reflection isnt pretty.

Thirty six. Eve. Meet her at a bar, she talks nonstop about her brazilian ex boyfriend who cheated on her 50 times and broke her heart. We have sex and I take care of her tears for a few days. Then she turns the teary drama on myself.

Thirty six. Helen, fat older tourist-guide girl, comes to a party, hides the whiskey, we fuck, have sushi, then I get bored of hearing her talk about her failed relationships and political slogans. We stop talking, she blocks me on facebook.

Thirty six. Caramel, colombian / NYC cute girl. Follows me around till we have a proper bar date and fuck. Keeps giving hints she wants me to go for the boyfriend thing, even though she creates drama ploys in which she wants me to chase her around the city with her having a new guy clinging to her during the whole time, but dumping him to be with me by the end of the night.

Thirty six. Sam. She has a boyfriend she’s planning to break up with. Also needs two hours of foreplay before fucking, and bites hard.

Thirty six. Harem with soft strings. Multiple girl-friends with benefits who know about each other. Shortly all of them want the boyfriend/gilrfriend thing, even though some of them actually have boyfriends or are trying to get back with an ex, or are not really over an ex, or are more interested on chasing some new dude or licking each other’s parts when Im not around.

Thirty six. She’s 23. She has a boyfriend she’s cheating on with me, she’s also fucking other dudes, including my best friend, and Im with a lot of other girls too… but she wants me to be her boyfriend. I like her and I comply, then she goes on a travel for 2 months and parties hard. Next day when she comes back I find her on a bed kissing another girl and grabbing some ex lover by the groin. I dump her, but she “doesnt know what she did wrong”.

Thirty seven. Single and with no intention to go back to the pool for the time being. Need my time and focus to make the music. No time to waste on diversions.

* * *

So tell me. What is all the boyfriend and relationships fuzz about? What kind of solace do people get from the boyfriend thing, why do girls lust for having a boyfriend? they lust for the stability and emotional comfort of a man who will commit to them, even if it’s for a short while, but as soon as they get this comfort it gets overriden by something else. The boyfriend role – one that changes at any time at any moment according to the times and flavors…. what’s in it? what does it really mean.

Seems like there are two kinds of available women, the single ones and the “in a relationship” ones, with the single ones more craving for stability, and the “in a relationship” ones more craving and more wild for random cock. I have had better luck with girls with boyfriends than when I’ve been in the boyfriend role myself. Less work and more fun. And any trace of stability or nurturing companionship is taken away as soon as the girl is presented with a better option, even if that option is merely contextual and void of anything deeper, and not boyfriend material – or probably just because of that -. When Im single and hitting on girls Im usually that better option. When Im in a relationship and taken off the pool, I have to fight and combat and keep and police all the stranger cock she seems so eager of.

Not worth the time. Not for me.

I taught at a design college for a couple of years. When I started there was no material so I made up my own course. It was deep and demanding and I tested the students against real case scenarios and pushed their limits and put their skills to use. The ones who were interested in the subject learned fast, the ones who werent interested, it was too much for them.

My best students were guys who werent really paying attention in class, they were doing the stuff on their own, and called me only for help. They were ahead of the program.

I was ok with putting zero grades (F-) to the ones who didnt care about learning the stuff. My take: if you cant do this stuff, you aint gonna be making money with it on the real world, so why do you want a grade on it? go do something else.

Nonetheless I got the “best teacher award” from the students four times in a row.

So. A couple of women protested and wanted to pass my course, on the basis that they had been attending to class and had done most of the assignments. Were they able to do the stuff? no. But they wanted recognition for their efforts. I got pushed by the directive board so I gave an A+ to everyone. A month later I got the official program I was supposed to teach. It was totally newbie and useless stuff, and I was expected to follow it to the letter and dump my demanding course. So, naturally, I quit. Now everyone is passing the course.

Do they know how to do the stuff? no. They just made it more difficult for hiring departments to filter the ones who can do stuff from the ones who only have a grade.

And the guys who used to be my best students, the school is now just too slow and mind numbing for them. They are doing their own thing, making money with what they learned.

And those who protested and got a free A+, they are doing their own thing too. But one totally unrelated to the material they got a grade for.

I want you to turn my life up down – plus that’s some talented prostitute

Ricky Raw has a new post about manic pixie girls, and you also need his stuff on prisoner’s dilemma and collaborators vs competitors for context.

And my take:

The narcissist is the narcissistic supply of the codependent – the other only exists as a drug that fuels your own self acceptance.

The codependent attempts to “pay” for the drug and might even be fair in the trade, might be attempting collaborative game, not without throwing tamtrums / ultimatums of their own from time to time.

The narcissist instead “lures” offers superficial goods, caters to the codependent’s weaknesses and prey and extracts as many resources as they can before discarding them, playing competitive game since the start, and every move is calculated to win over the codependent, while every move of the codependent is calculated to control, tame and keep the narcissist or, “work things out”.

The narcissist finds someone to adore them and the codependent finds something to adore and both fill their self acceptance until the transaction gets exhausted. In the exchange, the goods go to the narcissist and the craps to the codependent. If the codependent has a martir / victim complex and the narcissist has a sadist angle, this can go on for quite a while.

The codependent ends up asking how was it possible that all the goods where there and they weren’t able to take them, and regretting all they paid for nothing. The narcissist ends up annoyed at the codependent’s attempt at a “fair exchange”, but with a feeling of superiority over the codependent’s weakness and blindness.

After many rounds, codependents might understand the competitive games and start playing them themselves – switch to narcissim.

Marx got everything wrong. Or, he got human nature wrong, which is everything.

His system requires a very organized, mechanical structure where everyone can perform the same and get the same kind of rewards, where you can split the total revenues of the system and allocate them in man/hours – which would require that all hours cost the same, thus, all labors are the same. It would work if the world was an ant farm, and we were all plugged to a Ford style factory and each of us were perfectly replaceable, and if happiness for humans was only about belonging to a family.

So what happens when the factory runs badly, and 20% of the workers are doing most of the goods and the rest are sinking it?

Get 100 professionals with the same grades out of school, are they all equally good? if a carpenter does an excellent job in half a day, and another does a terrible job and it takes a week plus ruins the material, do they deserve the same kind of compensation? if we have ten singers and two are amazingly good and the rest are utter crap, do we love them all equally? how do you motivate the lesser performers, how do you push for higher quality, how do you incentivize the talent? do we take the tools from the expert chef and share them with all the ones who dont care about cooking? do we take the nets from the farmer that worked all year, and give them to the farmers who didnt work at all?

He didnt understand that getting the same kind of results no matter what you do is the worst demotivator ever.

The only thing worse than marxism is capitalism, because it’s in power. In theory, different business exchange capitals and the capital is moving and healthy. In the practice, the capital stays where it is and everyone else provides services. Feudalism. It’s like being in a monopoly game where the the board has been already purchased and built with hotels, and you need to keep rolling the dice and paying, and getting loans and kissing asses just to get by, or get expelled otherwise.

And democracy. Build a group made of ten experts and one hundred amateurs, give them a problem to solve and let them all vote. Good luck.

Good presence, online, on video, in front of public, etc. Good presence is lack of shame. Not just controlled shame but lack of it. There’s stuff to be controlled, sure. The language, timing, etc. Having shame to control robs you energy from delivering the message and having presence. So with all other things being equal, even if you cant get rid of the shame, as a performer you’re better off EXPRESSING your shame as part of the message and controlling what can be controlled in the message, instead of trying to control the shame, which will kill your presence and render the message null for most people.

In more cases than not what you think as shameful, your core self or whatever is there, will be embraced if you show it like it is. Or in the cases that it doesnt, as long as you dont retreat too much, if you stand there naked with the shame and the message, this thick skin starts to grow, because there’s nothing really to defend. The ones outside throwing you stones or denying you gratification and acceptance are their own, there’s space between you and them, that space is the “skin”. If you stand there long enough you see that space and how they cannot hurt you, so you take what you can to cater the message to them if that interests you.

And for the core shame, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you standing there and delivering a message. The shame in this situation is misplaced, it’s a misunderstanding, it’s a roleplay, it “shouldnt” be there but not like a monster that shouldnt exist, but like a piece of furniture that doesnt belong to a particular space.

I love this guy, raw, honest and in the moment. Plus he just killed a fat rapist jesus christ impersonator. Doing the “right thing” with no shame and no remorse.

Way to go.

The stereotype she talks about is actually an apex fallacy: high status men, or in the eyes of women, “real men” apologize less, or dont apologize at all, in contrast to the majority of men who apologize all the time, specially to women.

The rest of the video is bogus because it’s based on “self reported”, or in other words, biased data.

Anyway, Carlotta had this question at Vox’s post about dominance and submission.

“Could this be applied to male/female relationships?
For instance, someone married to a Sigma, Alpha or high Beta gets in a fight with them. He will not apologize, for nothing. Or, she is wrong and he simply will not give in until she apologizes, publically, repeatedly.

I can tell you, I have seen gammas’ fight with their wives and everyone is disgusted. You kind of get the feeling that even the wife wishes he would stand the heck up to her.”

Alpha can apologize if he’s wrong. But wont apologize as a way to avoid conflict or release the tension.

Beta’s strategy is to apologize always even if he doesn’t know what’s going on. He can’t handle pressure or tension, so he gives in first. Actually “giving in” is what he brings to the table.

Alpha accepts apologies when it’s due, and accepts submission always. The offending party doesn’t need to know what they did wrong as long as they concede the lead and get out of the way.

In more detail:

“Could this be applied to male/female relationships? For instance, someone married to a Sigma, Alpha or high Beta gets in a fight with them. He will not apologize, for nothing.”

What usually happens is that the woman is trying to dominate the husband, and wants him to apologize as a way to get him to concede power. It’s not that the Alpha wont apologize for nothing, it’s that he won’t apologize as long as he thinks he did nothing wrong, and / or as long apologizing means submission.

And then you have narcissists, of both genders and all over the spectrum, who truly think they did nothing wrong and will only apologize when they are already on their knees and it’s too late, and not because they think they did anything wrong but because they see that apologizing is the only way to keep their narcissist supply, eg, salvage the relationship so they can keep on the abuse… but that’s a separate subject.

“Or, she is wrong and he simply will not give in until she apologizes, publically, repeatedly.”

This sounds more like humiliation. See. A real alpha… not just a dude who’s seating on the throne but doesn’t incarnate the archetype… a “real” alpha is above you but is leading the way and provisioning so you can follow his same steps – leading by example. Will kick your ass and call you out when you do wrong. And demand submissiveness when you attempt to put him down. But it’s not about humiliation. It’s not about hurting you. It’s the same mold as when you have kids and they misbehave. You don’t correct them and set strict rules and call them out because you want to destroy them, but because it’s your responsibility to do so.

Not shown in the video, but boring education is particularly bad for boys.