Looking at the positive side, at least the boredom lasted for a lifetime. In a more contemporary fashion, she would have divorced at least once, even if just to keep the hype on.
Video thanks to DJDamage.
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In response to Badger
Ah. Girls who have bitch shields. Surprise surprise: the “shield” is actually a part of herself. One that she uses when she feels above of something. Which she likes. Hint: it’s not going anywhere.
The bitchy side doest mean she has more value. It means that a part of her is rotten. Like a rotten fruit. What do you do when you find a rotten fruit… do you try to spin it harder and chew it carefully so you can get to the good part? or do you drop it and get a good one? or, sure you can chew the whole thing, but is that what you do when you have options?
In order to get on top of her bitch shield and disarm her you have to possess more value than her, so she lowers her bitchy game and and gives you a bridge – a reason to keep interacting. But if you have more value than her, why exactly are you trying to win over a bitch?
That game is rigged to be a hell of a sour ride.
In short, don’t waste your time with them. The worst thing that could happen is that you work your ass and actually get her, and then have to sort through her bitchy and non bitchy crazy-making sides on a daily basis.
Twice the effort and half the juice.
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Ted D’s story continues, from the comments:
* * *
I am indeed working on being more attractive and getting my needs met first and foremost, I am also going to try something else that I hope will improve things greatly.
I’m going to do my best to teach my SO about herself.
I honestly don’t see how this can work if my mate remains completely clueless. Athol’s wife of course is fully on board with his efforts.
[...]
I can’t see this working long term if she remains completely clueless about all this.
* * *
Unless she’s asking you to teach her about herself, this won’t work.
1) If you care about her change more than she does, you become codependent, if you’re not already (chances are you are)
2) By finding the solution on the awareness of other people, by focusing on the external, you transfer your own blame and inadecuate feelings and painful emotions into other people. On the long run, you’ll make everything worse.
3) She may be a kid, but she’s not your kid. Even when we usually refer to women as children, what it really means is that you must strive to become an adult in your relationship.
A) Even if she was your kid and you wanted her to change, “explaining her herself” doesnt do anything. Kids don’t need explanations, they need rules and consistency and an intelligence stronger than their own they can trust. They will be able to process explanations, in case they ever want them, once they are curious about how things WORK. For that, they have to see that stuff WORKS first. They need to experience the rule before they can rationalize the explanation.
B) Women are more emotional than men. You have to handle her with emotional intelligence, not rational intelligence. If she’s in a middle of an emotional turmoil and you attempt the logic-explanation path, she’ll get angrier because you don’t understand her and you’re trying to manipulate her rational mind into changing her emotions, when you should be paying attention to her emotions. And what does paying attention to her emotions mean? not necessarily that you surrender to them. But you have to treat them as real, when they are, and spank her / reprehend her when she’s just being silly.
and
4) You’ve been in a relationship with her for a while. You know this woman. What is exactly what you’re going to explain her about herself that she doesnt know already? and, how well has she taken “explanations” about herself that are not pleasant, codename: criticism?. How does she handle being confronted with rational explanations she doesnt want to hear, or facets of herself that have negative connotations?
And last
5) With stuff like “Athol’s wife supports his efforts” and comparisons to other couples, you’re only saying that your SO doesnt support your efforts, that you’re envy of other couples, you’re bringing jealousy and pityness into your situation. By saying “I don’t know if we cant last, I can’t see this working long term unless she…” you’re setting an ultimatum. You whiny bitch.
You want her to change so you can change and want her to understand and grow sou you can grow, or else. How old are you? You’re supposed to kick her out of your life if she doesnt qualify. You’re not supposed to bring her in and build ties and then ask HER to change. If you’re already in a relationship and you found that you have to change, tell her that YOU are changing, and change. If she wants to stay with you, she’ll follow.
* * *
Dude. When your kids do something improper. Do you sit them them down and explain them the history of mankind and all the context and variables and why what they did upset you so much so they can take in consideration your feelings and their own and all humanity and society and the rules, so they can make their own choice?
Or do you tell them: “Don’t do THAT”, firmly, let them get the message, then let them go?
Guess which kid is going to be happier?
You’re supposed to be the adult. The MAN in the relationship. That means it’s your job to digest reality and expose yourself to all the danger and complexities of the world, deal with it, find solutions for it, digest it, and make it SIMPLE. Make it WORK.
This means you’re not supposed to explain other people in your circuit. You’re not supposed to be a non-playing supportive agent that keeps giving advice and explanations to the person in charge. You’re the one expected to be in charge. You’re supposed to lead. You’re supposed to be only listening to the feedback other people do on YOUR leadership. Not listening so you follow them, but listening so you know how to lead better. This is not a game where you explain and teach but where they ultimately decide what to do.
You’re supposed to tell them what to do, and if needed, how. “Why” only if they ask you directly, but the “why” is not so they agree with you. They should agree with you because you’re a proven decision maker, and because they trust you, and because it’s implicit. Because you’re the adult, and they chose you. And you’re good for them. You make it easier, you make it simple, you make it work.
* * *
So. You found your scapegoat and decided that you’re going to teach her herself.
First examine why, exactly, you need so badly that she realizes who she is and what she’s doing to you. And why you need to verbalize and she to accept your verbalization and to change, to please you, based on your understanding of how the world works instead of her own viewpoints. Why on the face of the uncomfortable, you need HER to change HER mind in order for YOU to have what YOU want.
Why do you need to do all that manipulative process, instead of, say, being the person and acting in the way the end result is for granted, quitting the approval seeking and approval dependance, and the clinginess and neediness – and becoming an adult and lead by example, sans-explanations.
You’re placing her as a stepping stone to your own change.
It won’t work.
* * *
Last note. Instead of teaching her herself, teach her YOU. She’ll learn about herself in the process. At her own pace.
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UMSLOPOGAAS writes an interesting post about what’s been going on recently. Here are my thoughts.
I
I’ve witnessed it a lot of times.
When the subject is emotional and threatening to a woman’s comfort, all the logic mechanics hurt her. It’s like, in her eyes, logic is an insidious snake-machine of pain that intends to force her where she doesnt want to go and reach her where she doesnt want to be touched. Like reasoning and plain logic are the ultimate form of manipulation. The fact that it’s done in a calm, structured way only makes it more threatening. It makes her visceral response stronger.
She’ll see the dissenting points as a personal attack and work until there’s nothing else but personal attacks on the plate. Once that point is reached, she hopes the tribe will come to rescue her and exterminate the foe.
This is only a real problem, though, when the woman with the issue is also in charge of the situation.
II
When an emotionally disturbed person is in charge of the situation, comply (obey), seduce (work the issue in non threatening, flattering emotional terms) or retreat (disengage) seem to be the only options. Consider this a screening test where their mind, agreement and involvement, or, in their views, “they themselves” are the prize.
When a calm / rational person is in charge of the situation, though, and the disturbed one randomly took offense and wants to engage, but cant take logic or reasoning, then there’s no need to chase this person down. They can retreat if the issue is too emotional for them, heal or whatever, then, eventually, they will come back and form bridges, because, well, the person in control is also the prize.
Let’s add male / female dynamics.
If the male is in charge / is the prize and a woman took random offense, and he doesnt chase her down nor tries to debate or force logic on her, but just keeps driving, that aloofness and lack of investment might be enough to reverse the emotional dynamics for her. And turn them in into attraction.
If she is in charge AND she’s taking random offense, a male working the issue “up” acts like a chase, and it only deepens whatever she felt disgusted about initially, while reinforcing the chase and the ladder where she’s actually the prize and the guy lacks any value – otherwise, why would he be so determined to put it in? cant he see she doesnt want it? – so it forms the opposite of attraction: repulsion.
And whenever you’re attempting “debate” with an unwilling party, you´re putting them in charge. The one chasing has less value than the one chased. Logical debate, in male / female dynamics, creates repulsion.
In short, this chase isnt worth it. Complying / seducing will destroy you. The scenario has already been rigged in win-lose fashion. Disengage.
III
Solvents and acids vs. the invasive structure.
The female’s response to unwanted male logic is to charge the debate with enough emotional content so logic ceases to work, so it’s structure crumbles to pieces, and then the whole thing can be absorbed, processed and digested. Think of what flies do with the food.
When you inject the female / male approaches in a debate, you’ll see the structures and the solvents. As long as the structures keep forming, new solvents and acids will be poured.
And forget about solving the real issues. It’s an unidirectional transfer of power. The fly is feeding.
IV
The transfer or power, which starts by holding down your weapons and taking in the other person’s position, wants and views, with the intention to mold an unified reality that considers all angles and reaches consensus, needs two entities that are open and willing to negotiate on hard, stressful, uncomfortable times.
Without two entities open to negotiate, debate means war.
Win-win seems to be more of a male skill. And we seem to do it to prevent war, and to create a collaborative, functional social machine. Rules, core, forces, agreements, like muscles and bones. And same for unified goals and objectives: lot’s of muscles, bones, rules, agreements, principles.
In comparison, women operate more like white cells or nerve terminations that create a collaborative sense of safety / danger awareness. When they perceive a threat, they go in alerted state / fight mode immediately, but one that involves more negative screaming and networking than it does karate moves. And same when they perceive something shiny / worthy / desirable. Lot’s of positive screaming and networking.
V
So. To sum this up, debate is possible when all the parties are open and willing. When male/female dynamics are involved, debate only makes sense when the male is in a position of power, but if he is, debate is unlikely because of that same dynamics.
As for the blogosphere, I decided to disengage whenever there’s a win/lose fight/alerted state. No more mud fights for me. Im avoiding all of it. Like UMSLO said, it’s good for my health.
As for my real life, Im in a position of power. As you should.
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Take it apart for relationships and make it about jobs. People spend 25+ years “preparing” for and chasing the idea of a job. Only to hate that job when they get it. Then look for jobs again. Get the job. Hate the job and dream with retirement. Then hate retirement.
Not *everyone* of course.
To love your relationships and your job and have a happy life you have to know who you are and what you want. Grow boundaries and skills and what not. Like an athlete. But there´s no guarantee of anything, no rainbow at the other end, no promise.
The way to get there is to start on the rainbow and grow on the rainbow: not putting the reward in the future but in the present, starting like you´re already there, but, HERE. This is your future. And moving towards growth without conceding, or doing smart negotiations to increase what you already have / the happiness you can provide to yourself right now. Knowing where you go. Or at least knowing you dont know.
In the current schema of things, almost everyone is chasing something they will never get, because they dont have it right now. And right now is the answer.
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Just watch that video.
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And this [click here!] is what I state I havent seen in the world.
Frankly, I havent even seen people aiming for that.
What I see is people facing relationships in terms of benefits. So the relationships are just means to get something. Its a business.
In business, the rule is that you get something valuable in exchange for something less valuable and thats how you make a profit. Thats how you make your happiness. Everything adds up to the price and you add your costs and margins all there. Then add some up percent so in the case the customer wants to negotiate, you can offer a discount while still making a margin. And since business are set in a marketplace, its a constant push pull with the prices going up and down and demand and competition and some business go bankrupt, just a few make it big and most just barely cover the costs.
The sex marketplace has the business model. Natural selection, hormones, competition, value, settling, switching. A great design by nature or whatever deity you decide to believe in. Awesome for evolution. How about relationships?
What I see out there is people treating their relationships with the business mentality.
People want the benefits associated with relationships, sex, company, love, family, stuff, getting their needs met. Avoiding loneliness and filling a void. In exchange of something. Its less about the relationship itself than its about all these aggregates. And each and every aggregate has a price point, a number.
Think of the shadows of gray here:
- I want to go to the game with you, I know you love that and I want to share it. Whats your fav team?
- OK… Im going to the game. But you have to come to see my concert. And learn the lyrics.
So that second line is great game right? most of the game stuff is about learning the business aspect of relationships. You can profit. I did. I do. But how about the relationship itself? beyond of the mutual exchange of benefits? Beyond the traffic of values?
What I see out there is that its never about the relationship itself, so it eventually deteriorates and becomes sick, but the parties dont want to quit it because of the pain of losing all these benefits. “Nobody to join me at the game/concert, and our shared assets, and I need the sex, I dont want to be alone, I dont want the change”. Or sometimes one of them just quits and steals all of the benefits, inducing bankrupcy in the other party.
You know that story.
So how many relationships out there without the business model?
I have never seen it. I want one though.
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Here´s my depiction of a healthy relationship.
He might have issues, but he becomes increasingly aware of them and fixes them.
She might have issues, but she becomes increasingly aware of them and fixes them.
He doesnt blame her for his issues, and he doesnt expect her to fix things when he makes a mess.
She doesnt blame him for her issues, and she doesnt expect him to fix things when she makes a mess.
He has a centered life and takes care of his fulfillment.
She has a centered life and takes care of her fulfillment.
He loves her. Almost unconditionally.
She loves him. Almost unconditionally.
He´s masculine.
She´s feminine.
He knows his strengths and weakness. He uses his strength to compensate for her weakness, and asks for help when he´s weak.
She knows her strengths and weakness. She uses her strength to compensate for his weakness, and asks for help when she´s weak.
He doesnt abuse the terms of the relationship.
She doesnt abuse the terms of the relationship.
His boundaries are healthy.
Her boundaries are healthy.
They share together more than they live on their own.
Their time together is mostly happy.
He supports her mission in life and is an indispensable part of it.
She supports his mission in life and is an indispensable part of it.
When everything else fails and life stinks, he has her. It brightens the world.
When everything else fails and life stinks, she has him. It brightens the world.
In poverty. In richness. In the bad. In the good. In the ups and downs.
When he loses his focus and wanders, she nurtures him so he can find himself again.
When she loses her focus and wanders, he supports her so she can find herself again.
He doesnt doubt her.
She doesnt doubt him.
He doesnt lie to her, ever.
She doesnt lie to him, ever.
He can get loose and relaxed around her in total trust.
She can get loose and relaxed around him in total trust.
He would jump on the fire to save her.
She would jump on the fire to save him.
Both would rather die than let the other burn, even if they could escape on their own.
If he fails and she succeeds, she stays with him.
If she fails and he succeeds, he stays with her.
What they share is bigger than each one apart.
They offer each other their true reflection. And with a look, they both are illuminated.
———————————-
So, I have never seen this. I dont even have seen people striving for it. The only “proof” I have that this is even possible is my inner desire for it.
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Boys fight for hierarchy.
Girls fight for resources.
Boys fight for the leadership.
Girls fight for their survival.
For a boy, the bigger and more abstract the cause, the more he´ll sacrifice himself.
For a girl, the deeper and more personal the cause, the more she´ll sacrifice everyone other.
Boys fight to prove a point.
Girls fight to win.
Boys fight to reach out-there.
Girls fight to put it in-side.
When a weaker boy assumes defeat, he gets detained, disarmed, and then is freed to rejoin the tribe at a lower status.
When a weaker girl assumes defeat, she gets knocked down, humiliated, and then is marked for life so she cant rejoin the tribe, or is made a corpse for others to jump on top and to be feed on.
Boys fight their rivals.
Girls fight their enemies.
Boys positional and diverse. Ladders in a chain where every slot is needed, from top to bottom. Push it up, push it down. Rankings and measurement. Organized, mechanical, impersonal violence.
Girls life and death. Connections on a net which accumulates resources around the center, and expels the unwanted to the periphery. Pull it in, cut it out. Us vs them. Inclusion and exclusion. Chaotic, organic, targeted violence.
When boys and girls fight, girls win. Mostly because when boys and girls fight, boys still care.
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A girl goes into casual sex looking for a relationship?
Short answer: bullshit.
Long answer, its true, but using “relationship” as a wide term that can be many things, half of which can be very toxic and wrong.
What you have to know is that if a girl is engaging in sex with you, she wants “more”. This “more” can be a happy ending monogamy where rainbows happen. Or it can be something totally different, dark twisted and abusive.
When you guys and girls come up with this crap that women go wanting relationships etc its like all the rainbows are included and heaven is just waiting to happen and that women are just powerless victims who should get what they want, because all they want is right.
Well, they are not victims, and there´s not a single reason why they should just get what they want, at every changing minute, when all they want is “more”. Hungry more. Usually bad-for-you more: want you to give more, you to work more, you to fulfill more – squeeze you more, until she wants more from someone else.
And a lot of the time what they want is not even good for themselves, and “more” doesnt mean there is anything at all for YOU to begin with.
Otherwise you could go and marry just any girl since they all want “relationships”. Right?
Well “relationship” aint a fucking holy grial.
There are hundreds of millions of people out there and you cant just do “relationship”, “company partner” nor “share property” with all of them. Bad for your health. You have to decide at which level / under which set of rules you are to interact with each one.
And theres NOTHING wrong with casual sex for either sex when done with honesty – just like theres NOTHING wrong with having superficial and mundane friends.
And while its ok to want more, no one is entitled to more.
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Men quantity and women quality. Over time, neither produces monogamy.
While men want to be with a wide array of different women and different quality at the same time (meaning, from hot to not so hot women at the same time), women want to always be with the hotter, top and most solicited flavor of the moment.
Men want the most deals they can get. Women want the best deal they can get. Men want to open many doors. Women want to open the right door. Men are about taking risks and pushing the limit, losing big or winning big. Women are about doing the safe bet.
So women want the hot flavor of the moment, the same that everyone wants: the safe bet. And men are constantly fighting each other, often to death, to be on that hot top spot, because being on the hot spot is the key to open every door. Since the men in the spot are replaced often, women tastes also change often.
Disclaimer – women dont just want to “fuck” but they want “relationships” with the guys on top, and by relationships I mean they want complete dedication, attention, resources and focus from the guy they pick, and want that to last, at least, enough time to produce beautiful offspring. By “relationship” I dont mean they want to support the guy, be his partner and stay with him because he needs it. Its not a relationship for the guy, but a relationship for her. Cool?
So women want to breed and be associated with the flavor of the moment and the top guy, and will always want this, to be with one of the top guys – not with the top guy she picked a while ago, after he is no longer on top.
Monogamy? for the man, its unnatural. For the woman, only as long the guy she is with is the flavor of the moment – the king. Only that the king, in our culture, is so relative and brief.
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In response to WorkshyJoe
If you are alpha and someone crosses your boundaries, that someone is the one failing the test.
Nice guys beta puas etc, when the girl attempts to cross a boundary, see it as a “test” that the girl is presenting, like the girl was a teacher and was trying to teach a lesson or something. Or worse case scenario they see it as a demand from some superior being that they need to please.
Guys: if the girl is trying to walk over you, just put her in her place in whatever fashion you feel like, and with the same intelligence you need when dealing with a child.
Its not about pleasing her and passing a test and getting a cookie. Its about having steel, clear, bold, non-crossable boundaries and standing for them no matter what the situation is. And being cool and assertive about it.
Thats what makes you the man.
Continue Reading...So whatever she says, it doesnt matter. Everything is ammo to flirt, tease, make laugh, enjoy her, have a good time, etc.
She is stiff? shy? LJBF? wants to talk about that dude who made her suffer? It doesnt matter. This is about me and her and this is the only frame Im considering.
Unless I dont consider her as relationship (short, long, whatever) material.
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Do girls put their emotional garbage on dudes they are attracted to / trying to seduce?
99% of the times I kept talking to a girl I liked and allowed her to use me as her emotional tampon, I got a “Lets Jut Be Friends”.
If you feel like testing that, go forward and be her therapist.
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My name is Yohami.
Im a Singer/Songwriter.
Im on my way to have fun. 
