20 Sep 2012, Posted by yohami in conversations, reader mail, 11 Comments
Reader Letters: Quit the crap and do what makes you happy.
Reader N. has some questions:
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1. I recently moved to Toronto from Qatar where I did my university and had a failed relationship which gave me a deep depression. I don’t have many friends here. I want to establish social proof, some pointers for keen newbie into social life (im socially very strong). Don’t know where to start though.
2. How should I maintain the alpha (chooser) frame and still approach attractive women (should I do that at all?). I don’t want to wait until I get a social circle before trying to get sex life handled.
3. How should I go about being the top dog of my group ? How should I bring this dominant frame into new friendships and friend circles? A few tips are appriciated. Does my height affect my chances here? Also, How should I address those who will not at any cost accept my will to be dominant?
4. Ever since I was young, I was your typical nice guy (to everyone). I had no boundaries. But observing others I always saw alpha traits, such as aloofness, will to power, non-pleasing attitude, calling out peoples shit, low to no smiling. At the time I scoffed at those ‘losers’ and thought they had no chance with women or success. I want to ask you if this alphaness is very widespread and it’s the betas (like I was) who are in the minority? It certainly seems this way. From my observation, most guys are not ‘nice guys’ or pushovers…so why the ‘red pill’…when most guys get it?
5. I believe, many of my problems could be solved with success with women as I suspect it brings an ego boost and contentment.
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I had some back and forth with N. and gained insight about his situation. He’s a good looking guy. He’s 22. He has dance skills. He has low socializing skills. He got an engineering degree due to peer pressure. He has a strong creative side. He’s got enough money on the bank to not worry about it for a few years. He pays for sex. He lives in a major / cool city. He has dreams but he’s scared of following them through. He anticipates failure.
There’s a lot to cut from and write about here, but it’s simple, really:
Even if it’s scary, cut the crap and the excuses.
Quit what doesnt make you happy. Cut the relationships that drag you down. Move to where nobody knows you if you have to. Find what you really like to do, find whatever is that brings energy and peace to your soul. There where your energy /passion wants to go. And do it. And keep doing it. And do it again, in an enviroment where you allow yourself to fail and the costs for being being so-so are sustainable. Allow yourself to get better. Gain skills. Connect and socialize everyone while you’re at this. Then bring it up a notch. Then another notch. Then another notch. Collect your homeruns. Exchange what you have for what you want from the outside world. And keep going up. Till you die.
Got it? It’s simple.
It really is.
And there are a million strategies and angles and approaches for every step and we can talk the minuta and every little shadow for-ever. But this is it:
Quit the crap and do what makes you happy.
Good?
Now less address N’s points one by one.
1. I recently moved to Toronto from Qatar where I did my university and had a failed relationship which gave me a deep depression. I don’t have many friends here. I want to establish social proof, some pointers for keen newbie into social life (im socially very strong). Don’t know where to start though.
Is that city where you want to be? if not, move where you want to be. If for some reason you can’t, move to the closest proxy.
Find friends by commonalities.
For this you have to know what is important to you and where your pack of dogs is. You have to be where you belong. The easiest / more direct way to find this tribe is to follow your passion. Are you doing what you want to be doing? no? then quit and go do what you want to do. Go where your energy wants to be, and you’ll find people similar to you.
Or otherwise get stuck where you dont want to be and find people who are as stuck as you are. Not fun.
2. How should I maintain the alpha (chooser) frame and still approach attractive women (should I do that at all?). I don’t want to wait until I get a social circle before trying to get sex life handled.
You maintain the alpha/chooser frame by being a chooser alpha.
To be the alpha you need a social circle or a context where you’re the alpha, and to be the chooser you need to have options – you need to be actually choosing. There’s no faking this.
The chooser alpha frame involves being confident, dominant, self reassured – and needing less from the interaction than the other people you’re interacting with. Needing less also means being more honest: you give less of a fuck of the consequences so you can display true, often brutal sincerity. But since you also give less of a fuck, you give a fuck about that too, so you’re probably just going to tease and have fun in whatever terms suit you.
Bottom line is you are asking for a frame that is defined by how you interact with other people. So you need a social group to interact with in order to operate from that frame, and all of it must be real if you want to maintain it.
And yes, while you’re at it do interact with everyone, but chase no one.
Check this out: http://yohami.com/blog/2011/02/16/game-everybody-regardless-of-gender-looks-or-status/
3. How should I go about being the top dog of my group ? How should I bring this dominant frame into new friendships and friend circles? A few tips are appriciated. Does my height affect my chances here? Also, How should I address those who will not at any cost accept my will to be dominant?
Ah, dominance.
Dominance, confidence… being the rock. People vote for president, you know. People want a stronger figure to rely on. A father a leader an icon a God.
This is not about the little you making people, forcing people to accept “you”. This is not about being ”domineering” or controlling… controlling out of fear instead of out of confidence, which isnt attractive to anybody other than people who are in sync with such petty emotions – people you really dont want to have around.
This is, dominance, leadership, power and responsibility. Being the man, the boss, the rock, the cool guy.
Dominance is about your will being strong, and wide enough, so you can carry other people and take them to destination. Your destination. Dominance means your initiative is sharper and better and more fit. That your way is the best way. That you find the path of least resistance and you have the weight to see it go through, so they can follow you.
Dominance means you’re stronger, clearer, more focused, that you know your own word and what you mean, that you know where you want to go and have the will to go there, that you know what’s best, that you have the balls to push through and the character to acknowledge when things go off and mistakes, when they happen, and the skills to rectify the course if needed.
This is not about imposing or “forcing” your will on others, nor about being accepted. This is about having a better, stronger, more structured, more attractive will, a way to do things that puts other people at ease, relieved that you’re around, and make them want to be led. By you.
Does your height play a part here? yes, but not really.
Check this out: http://yohami.com/blog/2011/11/23/i-tell-people-what-to-do/
4. Ever since I was young, I was your typical nice guy (to everyone). I had no boundaries. But observing others I always saw alpha traits, such as aloofness, will to power, non-pleasing attitude, calling out peoples shit, low to no smiling. At the time I scoffed at those ‘losers’ and thought they had no chance with women or success. I want to ask you if this alphaness is very widespread and it’s the betas (like I was) who are in the minority? It certainly seems this way. From my observation, most guys are not ‘nice guys’ or pushovers…so why the ‘red pill’…when most guys get it?
The desire for alpha is widespread.
It’s in all of us. Then we compete, rank ourselves, form a pecking order. There’s no escape from this and this its why so important that you both follow your passion and find the proper pack of dogs to belong to – even if it’s the lone dog pack. There’s no escape from this. Got it? you will be ranked and judged and you’ll have to work your ass off to the point it will often feel unbearable. There will always be a ladder. So make it easier for yourself. Do all of that where you’re also getting personal pleasure from the experience. The pleasure will give you an incentive to work harder and peck like there was no tomorrow: it will give you extra fuel to climb. Extra power. Extra fuel to develop alpha.
There where you have passion you have a favorable handicap. Take it. Everywhere else the cards are stacked against you in the long run, even if other paths look easier / safer when the game starts.
So yeah. Most guys when young have what it takes to be alpha. Give them a few years though. Check where your friends are now. Check where they are after 10 years. You’ll find by the time adulthood comes it was all smoke and mirrors. The system will break them. Only the already dysfunctional ones will keep the alphaness, for a while longer, due to they being less adjusted to the system. The functional ones will either bend and break or endure and become real alphas.
And there are just a few of those. So called real-men.
Regardless of the path you take you can always go back and regain it, or you can grow it where you had none. We all have the pieces. You have to decide where you want to go, what is your true call so to speak, and go there.
Check this out: http://yohami.com/blog/2012/05/12/if-youre-broken-you-cant-be-happy/
5. I believe, many of my problems could be solved with success with women as I suspect it brings an ego boost and contentment.
Hah. Wrong.
What you really mean is that you dont approve yourself, that your ego is broken, that you don’t know how to content yourself… and thus you “need” external juice, validation and support to even function at your normal potential. You think success (being desired, wanted, chased, adored, fucked) with women will give you what you lack, but in truth it is what you lack which is preventing you from having “success”, with women and anything else.
Check this out: http://yohami.com/blog/2012/07/20/so-why-bother-with-a-long-term-relationship/
Love / acceptance / desire or, “success” with women is conditional love. In order to get that love you need to meet the conditions. You have to possess and give them what they want, in order for you to get what you want from them. It’s an exchange. Makes sense?
Women, other people. external sources are not going to give YOU the goods that you need to bring to the exchange. Or, a healthy ego, contentment, manliness and confidence, your special kind of charm and shine, that mix is what you bring to the exchange. It is what makes them desire you, it’s not what you get from the exchange.
You’re asking for value, for validation, when value and validation are what you must bring to the table.
Those are not the things that you take, but the things you give.
Check this out: http://yohami.com/blog/2012/02/21/be-yourself-doesnt-work-let%C2%B4s-get-deeper/
So you need a healthy pumped up ego and contentment in order to have success and not the other way around.
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Anyway, N. I hope this helps bro.
Take it easy, but take it.
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My name is Yohami.
Im a Singer/Songwriter.
Im on my way to have fun. 
