The stereotype she talks about is actually an apex fallacy: high status men, or in the eyes of women, “real men” apologize less, or dont apologize at all, in contrast to the majority of men who apologize all the time, specially to women.
The rest of the video is bogus because it’s based on “self reported”, or in other words, biased data.
“Could this be applied to male/female relationships?
For instance, someone married to a Sigma, Alpha or high Beta gets in a fight with them. He will not apologize, for nothing. Or, she is wrong and he simply will not give in until she apologizes, publically, repeatedly.
I am just wondering if for those who are just understanding all this, maybe this has applications in marriage as well.
I can tell you, I have seen gammas’ fight with their wives and everyone is disgusted. You kind of get the feeling that even the wife wishes he would stand the heck up to her.”
Alpha can apologize if he’s wrong. But wont apologize as a way to avoid conflict or release the tension.
Beta’s strategy is to apologize always even if he doesn’t know what’s going on. He can’t handle pressure or tension, so he gives in first. Actually “giving in” is what he brings to the table.
Alpha accepts apologies when it’s due, and accepts submission always. The offending party doesn’t need to know what they did wrong as long as they concede the lead and get out of the way.
In more detail:
“Could this be applied to male/female relationships? For instance, someone married to a Sigma, Alpha or high Beta gets in a fight with them. He will not apologize, for nothing.”
What usually happens is that the woman is trying to dominate the husband, and wants him to apologize as a way to get him to concede power. It’s not that the Alpha wont apologize for nothing, it’s that he won’t apologize as long as he thinks he did nothing wrong, and / or as long apologizing means submission.
And then you have narcissists, of both genders and all over the spectrum, who truly think they did nothing wrong and will only apologize when they are already on their knees and it’s too late, and not because they think they did anything wrong but because they see that apologizing is the only way to keep their narcissist supply, eg, salvage the relationship so they can keep on the abuse… but that’s a separate subject.
“Or, she is wrong and he simply will not give in until she apologizes, publically, repeatedly.”
This sounds more like humiliation. See. A real alpha… not just a dude who’s seating on the throne but doesn’t incarnate the archetype… a “real” alpha is above you but is leading the way and provisioning so you can follow his same steps – leading by example. Will kick your ass and call you out when you do wrong. And demand submissiveness when you attempt to put him down. But it’s not about humiliation. It’s not about hurting you. It’s the same mold as when you have kids and they misbehave. You don’t correct them and set strict rules and call them out because you want to destroy them, but because it’s your responsibility to do so.
1. I recently moved to Toronto from Qatar where I did my university and had a failed relationship which gave me a deep depression. I don’t have many friends here. I want to establish social proof, some pointers for keen newbie into social life (im socially very strong). Don’t know where to start though.
2. How should I maintain the alpha (chooser) frame and still approach attractive women (should I do that at all?). I don’t want to wait until I get a social circle before trying to get sex life handled.
3. How should I go about being the top dog of my group ? How should I bring this dominant frame into new friendships and friend circles? A few tips are appriciated. Does my height affect my chances here? Also, How should I address those who will not at any cost accept my will to be dominant?
4. Ever since I was young, I was your typical nice guy (to everyone). I had no boundaries. But observing others I always saw alpha traits, such as aloofness, will to power, non-pleasing attitude, calling out peoples shit, low to no smiling. At the time I scoffed at those ‘losers’ and thought they had no chance with women or success. I want to ask you if this alphaness is very widespread and it’s the betas (like I was) who are in the minority? It certainly seems this way. From my observation, most guys are not ‘nice guys’ or pushovers…so why the ‘red pill’…when most guys get it?
5. I believe, many of my problems could be solved with success with women as I suspect it brings an ego boost and contentment.
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I had some back and forth with N. and gained insight about his situation. He’s a good looking guy. He’s 22. He has dance skills. He has low socializing skills. He got an engineering degree due to peer pressure. He has a strong creative side. He’s got enough money on the bank to not worry about it for a few years. He pays for sex. He lives in a major / cool city. He has dreams but he’s scared of following them through. He anticipates failure.
There’s a lot to cut from and write about here, but it’s simple, really:
Even if it’s scary, cut the crap and the excuses.
Quit what doesnt make you happy. Cut the relationships that drag you down. Move to where nobody knows you if you have to. Find what you really like to do, find whatever is that brings energy and peace to your soul. There where your energy /passion wants to go. And do it. And keep doing it. And do it again, in an enviroment where you allow yourself to fail and the costs for being being so-so are sustainable. Allow yourself to get better. Gain skills. Connect and socialize everyone while you’re at this. Then bring it up a notch. Then another notch. Then another notch. Collect your homeruns. Exchange what you have for what you want from the outside world. And keep going up. Till you die.
Got it? It’s simple.
It really is.
And there are a million strategies and angles and approaches for every step and we can talk the minuta and every little shadow for-ever. But this is it:
Quit the crap and do what makes you happy.
Good?
Now less address N’s points one by one.
1. I recently moved to Toronto from Qatar where I did my university and had a failed relationship which gave me a deep depression. I don’t have many friends here. I want to establish social proof, some pointers for keen newbie into social life (im socially very strong). Don’t know where to start though.
Is that city where you want to be? if not, move where you want to be. If for some reason you can’t, move to the closest proxy.
Find friends by commonalities.
For this you have to know what is important to you and where your pack of dogs is. You have to be where you belong. The easiest / more direct way to find this tribe is to follow your passion. Are you doing what you want to be doing? no? then quit and go do what you want to do. Go where your energy wants to be, and you’ll find people similar to you.
Or otherwise get stuck where you dont want to be and find people who are as stuck as you are. Not fun.
2. How should I maintain the alpha (chooser) frame and still approach attractive women (should I do that at all?). I don’t want to wait until I get a social circle before trying to get sex life handled.
You maintain the alpha/chooser frame by being a chooser alpha.
To be the alpha you need a social circle or a context where you’re the alpha, and to be the chooser you need to have options – you need to be actually choosing. There’s no faking this.
The chooser alpha frame involves being confident, dominant, self reassured – and needing less from the interaction than the other people you’re interacting with. Needing less also means being more honest: you give less of a fuck of the consequences so you can display true, often brutal sincerity. But since you also give less of a fuck, you give a fuck about that too, so you’re probably just going to tease and have fun in whatever terms suit you.
Bottom line is you are asking for a frame that is defined by how you interact with other people. So you need a social group to interact with in order to operate from that frame, and all of it must be real if you want to maintain it.
And yes, while you’re at it do interact with everyone, but chase no one.
3. How should I go about being the top dog of my group ? How should I bring this dominant frame into new friendships and friend circles? A few tips are appriciated. Does my height affect my chances here? Also, How should I address those who will not at any cost accept my will to be dominant?
Ah, dominance.
Dominance, confidence… being the rock. People vote for president, you know. People want a stronger figure to rely on. A father a leader an icon a God.
This is not about the little you making people, forcing people to accept “you”. This is not about being ”domineering” or controlling… controlling out of fear instead of out of confidence, which isnt attractive to anybody other than people who are in sync with such petty emotions – people you really dont want to have around.
This is, dominance, leadership, power and responsibility. Being the man, the boss, the rock, the cool guy.
Dominance is about your will being strong, and wide enough, so you can carry other people and take them to destination. Your destination. Dominance means your initiative is sharper and better and more fit. That your way is the best way. That you find the path of least resistance and you have the weight to see it go through, so they can follow you.
Dominance means you’re stronger, clearer, more focused, that you know your own word and what you mean, that you know where you want to go and have the will to go there, that you know what’s best, that you have the balls to push through and the character to acknowledge when things go off and mistakes, when they happen, and the skills to rectify the course if needed.
This is not about imposing or “forcing” your will on others, nor about being accepted. This is about having a better, stronger, more structured, more attractive will, a way to do things that puts other people at ease, relieved that you’re around, and make them want to be led. By you.
Does your height play a part here? yes, but not really.
4. Ever since I was young, I was your typical nice guy (to everyone). I had no boundaries. But observing others I always saw alpha traits, such as aloofness, will to power, non-pleasing attitude, calling out peoples shit, low to no smiling. At the time I scoffed at those ‘losers’ and thought they had no chance with women or success. I want to ask you if this alphaness is very widespread and it’s the betas (like I was) who are in the minority? It certainly seems this way. From my observation, most guys are not ‘nice guys’ or pushovers…so why the ‘red pill’…when most guys get it?
The desire for alpha is widespread.
It’s in all of us. Then we compete, rank ourselves, form a pecking order. There’s no escape from this and this its why so important that you both follow your passion and find the proper pack of dogs to belong to – even if it’s the lone dog pack. There’s no escape from this. Got it? you will be ranked and judged and you’ll have to work your ass off to the point it will often feel unbearable. There will always be a ladder. So make it easier for yourself. Do all of that where you’re also getting personal pleasure from the experience. The pleasure will give you an incentive to work harder and peck like there was no tomorrow: it will give you extra fuel to climb. Extra power. Extra fuel to develop alpha.
There where you have passion you have a favorable handicap. Take it. Everywhere else the cards are stacked against you in the long run, even if other paths look easier / safer when the game starts.
So yeah. Most guys when young have what it takes to be alpha. Give them a few years though. Check where your friends are now. Check where they are after 10 years. You’ll find by the time adulthood comes it was all smoke and mirrors. The system will break them. Only the already dysfunctional ones will keep the alphaness, for a while longer, due to they being less adjusted to the system. The functional ones will either bend and break or endure and become real alphas.
And there are just a few of those. So called real-men.
Regardless of the path you take you can always go back and regain it, or you can grow it where you had none. We all have the pieces. You have to decide where you want to go, what is your true call so to speak, and go there.
5. I believe, many of my problems could be solved with success with women as I suspect it brings an ego boost and contentment.
Hah. Wrong.
What you really mean is that you dont approve yourself, that your ego is broken, that you don’t know how to content yourself… and thus you “need” external juice, validation and support to even function at your normal potential. You think success (being desired, wanted, chased, adored, fucked) with women will give you what you lack, but in truth it is what you lack which is preventing you from having “success”, with women and anything else.
Love / acceptance / desire or, “success” with women is conditional love. In order to get that love you need to meet the conditions. You have to possess and give them what they want, in order for you to get what you want from them. It’s an exchange. Makes sense?
Women, other people. external sources are not going to give YOU the goods that you need to bring to the exchange. Or, a healthy ego, contentment, manliness and confidence, your special kind of charm and shine, that mix is what you bring to the exchange. It is what makes them desire you, it’s not what you get from the exchange.
You’re asking for value, for validation, when value and validation are what you must bring to the table.
Those are not the things that you take, but the things you give.
Had this exhange with MC over email. Best of luck to him.
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Yohami Your blog is a great contribution.
I have question I hope you will answer. I’m a professional screenwriter working in Hollywood I was on a major project and realized in being myself “I had no value”, I left the project. I have developed my skills for 10+ years in my sandbox where my successes weren’t large but luckly neither the failures and now I’m ready to give to my audience, give to the machine on my terms, but because I’ve worked in any genre and on any project that paid I have no idea who my market/audience is or “how” I would find it with certainty. Not a false reflection of what I “think/wish” it is.
My question is for point #2 on “Be yourself”: What is the process one would go about to find their market/audience/tribe?
Please get me some details on how the hollywood thing failed. What went off?
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Yeah I read both; it hasnt failed just a series of wake up calls, including your blog made me realize I had alot illusions that look damn real and alot of people in the machine telling me the illusions are real to get what they want out of me but now I know better and I want the real thing. I had lot of opportunities people would kill for, but an opportunity is just an opportunity.
The details are I was brought in by a movie company, I quickly I saw I had only half the skills needed to be the writer “I” wanted to be, so while I worked on my skills I worked for the company developing projects.
Cut to 10 years later, I’m working on a major show, in a lower position than what I’m qualified for, eating a lot of shit. Then I realized, its cause I have no value, I quit the show, and work on the last missing pieces of my skills. Im all ready to write and I freeze…I have the ideas, I have the skills, but I don’t know which one to write, I realized the whole problem was not even my skills as much as I don’t know who my market is or ever was, I only did projects for money and to please the powers that be.
Its no different than a session guitarist realizing he’s only decent, going into his sandox getting his skills together and when he’s ready to make his own album he realizes “oh shit what kind of album do I make, I’ve played with all these artists, in all these different genres, I like them all, and I wanna give to myself , to my market, and to the machine but which one is “truly me” and NOT the one I wish I was or want to appear to be?”
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Got it.
How long does it take you to write a quick manuscript? I heard somewhere that the Spinal Tap script was less than 15 pages. So, how quick can you put together your, say, main 5 movie ideas, into 5 scripts?
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Spinal Tap was a mockumentary so much of the stuff was improv on set to make it feel real. The 15 pages would have been the big beats of story and they just went on set and riffed it, kept the funny bits based off the 15 pages.
To write a normal feature length script is 110 pages takes 3 to 6 months. Deadline for new submissions is February/early March. A writer typically takes their two best ideas, writes them simultaneously and picks the best one to submit.
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Aight, this is how I see it.
The 10 years gig wasnt a sandbox, it was a job. A sandbox is a place where you’re safe to try new things and to grow into yourself, and where you can manage to make mistakes AND make homeruns. Sure, you can still make homeruns at a job, but it doesnt mean the job is a sandbox.
If you spent 10 years and after leaving you’re still confused about which direction to go, it was a trap-box.
So now you have to produce original material and you’re back to hit or miss, homerun or failure mindset. It adds pressure, the pressure makes you overthink it. In short, you have no experience or confidence here, and you have too much pressure. Chances are you will fail. Statistically, you will.
So, sandbox.
What I would do, since you have different genres and stuff you want to attack.
I would write them down in sequences. I dont know how do you call this but Im sure there’s a way to write down a movie in a few paragraphs / pages.
I would spend three – four months writing five or six. Or more. Depends on how prolific you are and how many ideas you have.
Then I would gather my friends and contacts and see which script has better reception / which one I enjoyed writing the most.
Then finish that one FIRST. Then keep on the second one. etc.
And I’d assume Im going to finish and sell all 5 and expect nothing in return. Sandbox style. All risk zero dependence.
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Thanks for your help man, Im on it starting today.
The SMP and the hormones and stuff arent there so you can have true love. They are there to help you breed and to maximize your offspring’s survival.
You dont get a boner when you see a hot girl because you want true love. You dont want to compete and prove and you dont get all the angst and all the drive that lets you do wonderful, and often stupid stupid things for “girls” so you can have true love.
At the same time, status is for girls what hotness is for guys. Or, hotness, from the girl’s point of view, it’s a compendium of many things, where physical appereance is just one important trait among many other important traits.
Just to touch the tip of it: masculinity has a surplus of resources (sperm), or it should, and femininity has limited resources (ovules), or it should. And this sets the basis for a holla lot of behavioral traits. Plus the femininity has to feed the baby and the masculinity should stay around to make war with external aggressors and protect her and the baby. Oh. Maybe that feeling, the whole thing, you can call love.
But we’re really talking instinct.
SCREENING
When you see a girl you like you get that boner or you dont. There’s no talking you into it. Or there shouldnt. But, let’s say you’re looking at a girl that doesnt particularly arouse you, until you see her naked, then wow! now we’re talking. But then she turns around and you see her ass and is ugly and has some weird shit on it, and your boner goes off. But then she comes closer with that look in her eyes etc? and the boner comes again. Or she goes away for a couple of years and comes back way prettier. Or, she was a very very pretty girl, and you see her years after and she’s jaded and gray, and uglier, and you feel pity instead of getting a boner. Sad right?
So what’s love have to do with it? nothing.
Girls are looking for Mr. Right. This is “the man” whos the best prospect, and who has chances of sticking around. However, girls usually have other people who can stick around for them, friends family the state etc. And thanks to feminism they dont need a man to stick around – they can make their own money and get the feed somewhere else. So mr. Right is, basically, the hottest, higher value, more fit man they can snatch RIGHT NOW.
Hypergamy for short term. Hypergamy without the sticking around part.
What’s love have to do with it? nothing.
Hormones, attraction, selection, screening, all the stuff that was there to increase your survival, all the pain and pleasure and the chemical cocktail.
It’s all about the sex. It is a highly emotional issue for girls. It’s all passional and breath taking, and feelings of “love” are in it, too. But it’s all about the sex. It’s about the survival. It’s your genes, talking the talk.
Men screen for the hottest girl, girls screen for the more fit man. And it’s all about the sex.
THE LADDER
We’re basically a tournament species. We built a huge society that needs other arrangements… but at our core we’re still tournament. The guys compete. The girls cheer and build a net of chit chat and gossip so they can assess a general agreement, a safe-bet agreement, of who’s hot and who’s a creep. The girls cheer like crazy and faint for the stars. The guys lock down practicing and making money and trying to climb. The ones who succeed get big rewards. The winners are more attractive. The losers, nobody wants them. Some guys are born at the top and already attractive – and girls do faint for them, think of prince Harry, think of… you know. Some guys are born at the bottom and climb, and they also get faints and stuff as long as they werent too Omega or were able to climb enough to prove they belonged up there all the way.
We’re organized in a way where the winners are the most attractive. And, girls, or, the feminine, is built to screen for the traits the winners have. The result is that the vast majority of girls are screening for the top guys, and that’s it.
Got it? stop whining about hypergamy. For every girl who only feels attracted to the top guys and is rejecting beta nice guys… there’s a guy whos practicing and improving himself and trying to climb, so he becomes mr Right. We have hypergamy for the same reason we have the male sex drive and it’s desire to fight compete and climb. You wouldnt want this in any other way. Or I wouldnt.
So. Girls are screening for the guys at the top, and, the guys at the top have options, and, have more social value than the girls.
Say whatever you want about girls and stars and stuff. You know the maximum value a girl can have in the ladder, in the SMP, is being wanted. Girls value is being wanted, being spent into. By whom?
Top guy’s value is what they built. Not themselves, but their legacy, what they do, the value they represent. Then they sit at the top of their own mountain. The dude is the mountain.
Top girl’s value is being wanted and purchased by the top guys. Voilah. And top top guys can purchase more than one top girl.
Am I hurting your sensibilities again? Masculinity is about surplus, having it, producing it, and spending it. Look at Dicaprio. Remember when you felt more admiration for Brad Pitt before he decided to put all of his seeds in the same sack.
Femininity is about controlling and being wise with your limited resources, maximizing it’s value, attracting the best of the best seed. That’s why you get disgusted when you see a hot, hot girl, all drunk and messing around with a “loser”. You know she’s worth “more”.
So what’s love have to do with this? nothing.
TRUE LOVE?
When people talk about true love, the love in movies etc… they are usually talking about this mystical team and soul matey thing where people complement each other and bond for life and do all kind of marvellous things together. Eh. For two hours. Maybe it’ll get boring so let’s label it “and happy ever after… ” not much to tell?
There’s an angle, the spiritual one, which transcends the form, the shape of things and goes to the bone.
Unconditional love.
Unconditional love can be all ways of sick (love you and accept you even if you become an abusive drug addict kind of love), but, true love in its most abstract form is when this feeling of love just goes and surrenders and fills the other person without an ego on it, without a form, without a business. True love in it’s spiritual way is like giving all of your money to somebody, then doing it again, then doing it again.
Yes. So unconditional love can be stupid. Surrendering to true love and loving to its fullest, can be stupid. That’s why screening is so important. And if you plan on loving someone forever… screening is all. You have to screen for someone who’s not just going to take all of your gifts and leave you in the dumpster.
And screening isnt love. Screening is well, screening.
But, back to love.
TRUE LOVE AS SALVATION
What people really talk about when this “true love” comes in play, is acceptance. Is ego validation.
See. Only beta and nice guys talk about this shit. There’s a reason all the bullshit about true love and salvation has been written by male losers. Girls are not interested in true love. You dont see them chasing true love. But you see them chasing and finding and keeping mr Right. The “love” is just what they feel while they are chasing the WHOM.
True love is sold as finding the ONE. But, for women, this means screening one among MANY. It’s picking the best from the best among a surplus. Its ONE or… it’s gonna be some one else.
For men, it’s the opposite, it’s salvation, its ONE or nothing. ONE or disappearing.
… you get what Im getting at?
This is the killer:
Betas and nice guys and under are after true love – as a thing – because they dont have any other option.
Betas and nice guys need love, because true love is their only chance at survival if at all.
True love is the only REASON someone would want to be with them.
True love – finding a soul mate, is the only way they could attract a hot girl and pass their genes.
True love, because they are unattractive, but maybe there’s ONE girl that will see them.
Yes, that’s how scarce it is.
True love is, simply, salvation from the SMP.
True love, for a beta nice guy, is finding someone who loves them at expenses of their value in the SMP.
True love means someone who’s with you and sees value in you even when you dont find that value in yourself.
True love = you got lucky. Which is a shorty for “I dont know what the fuck is going on”
True love is for suckers.
Because while the beta nice guy is feeling lucky and thinks he found salvation and yada yada, the girl is all aware about his status of mr Right, knows where he fits, where he doesnt, where his strengths are, where his weakness are.
There’s no innocence about it.
You keep dreaming about true love while she’s taking this seriously. You keep being a romantic, where shes doing a real business here. A serious, make it or break it assessment. And she has to be cautious because she’s not feeling it. And since she’s not feeling it, she cant relax. So you dont “have” her after all. She had to settle – even if just for a short while – because the time ran out or her body told her so.
See. For girls, other than the kids if she has them, finding and bonding and pairing with mr Right is all that matters.
Sure, you can have “true love” when you’re in the union. You can exchange the sweet energy and couple and make the machine move and have a partnership. But with girls, the WHO is more important than the WHAT.
Guys have a surplus and can fool around. Heck. Some guys even have several families at the same time.
For girls this is deadly serious. Limited resources and investment.
LJBF -> STUD
So, back to the original M3/HUS topic (yes read that post if you havent). You had a guy who was chasing her around, putting her on a pedestal and all. A guy putting her on a pedestal = needy = loser = unattractive, which just means SHE can do better.
See, the top guys that girls are after, have options, and options mean these top guys are not worried about “true love” being the “salvation”. The beautiful thing about the top guys is that, fuck, they SCREEN as well. Top guys can afford to have standards – thus, you being upset when they dont.
How does your concept of true love stand up against “screening” girls because you have too many options, and many of them could be “true love”, and, heck, you can have “true love” with several of them at the same time?
Do I hear some hearts cracking? don’t worry baby, it gets better.
So the top guys not only have a surplus of resources but also a surplus of options where to invest them. If you know about economy you’ll see that makes all these options have a diminished value, lower than if they were your only option or if you needed any specific one as “salvation”. Salvation from WHAT for God’s sake.
So the top guys have options. This translates to cockiness, to a stronger frame control, to stronger boundaries, to a lighter humor, to cruelty in some cases, to power, to abuse of power, to increased responsibility, to self autonomy, self reliance, to not caring about others, to being a badass, to having your own ideas and goals to be more important than everyone elses -> thus leading other men into reaching your goals. Etc.
And femininity is built to screen and be attracted and want to pair and bond and reproduce with such traits. Fuck love. The girl feels attracted to such traits, just like a guy gets a boner with a good ass and tits and an angelical face. Deal with it.
So, the guys at the top have options, and they screen back.
The process of screening girls back is called teasing / push pull / etc. When a girl finds a guy whos able to screen and is not just running, chasing after each girl, all desperate because he doesnt know better nor has better, she feels “fuck, finally I found a real man”
Which is all she really cared about.
Do you see it? a real man, mr Right, is also a guy who doesnt need and is not after real love, at least not in it’s salvation/needy form. A guy who screens back and can push back. A guy who might “want” real love, but who has it with a hefty price tag. And a price tag she has to pay for.
“All the other guys… try to chase her. But here’s her number, so call her, maybe.”
So back to topic. You had this guy who was chasing her -> showing her how little he’s worth and not reading her un-boner well, till the point she says “lets just be friends”. Then this guy cuts contact? resumes his life? shows her that he doesnt “need” her and is having fun? his OWN freaking fun?
That’s an immediate boost in value, because he doesnt need, doesnt supplicate, is having fun = has more resources, has more options, maybe he’s above her after all, and maybe if she comes back and says hi he is going to SCREEN her after all, instead of falling at her feet, and thus, below her.
Girls need a guy who stands up above of herself. Girls dont need men who put them on a pedestal etc. You knew that already.
So yes, the moment he drops the pedestal, she’ll want him more.
And that’s quite smart.
No. Did they tell you that love is when you need ONE girl and put her on a pedestal high enough so she can walk all over you, and you would be nothing nothing without her and you would move the earth just to she sees you? no bro. That’s not love. That’s how you talk and feel about a fucking superstar who’s NOT LOOKING BACK at you. That’s creep talk. Move on before the cops arrive.
SO WHY BOTHER WITH A LTR?
Short answer… yes why should you?
What do you want it for? to be accepted, to be loved, to be complemented, to have salvation? why are you that lonely?
But.
We used to live in a world were we were groomed for marriage. We dont live in that world anymore. This is a double edge sword. On one hand you can do your own thing, increased freedom, more fun, less responsibility, and on the other hand:
One, that we’re not groomed for long term planning, we’re not groomed to develop character. This is a fucking serious business. Too much fun and too little responsibility = we’re prey for the system, and prey for the circumstances, and, frankly, as a whole we’re short sighted and idiotic.
And two: kids. Man. Kids needs parents. Kids need adults. Kids need stability, they dont need fractured homes with workaway parents and single moms with several boyfriends in a row who play dad. Kids need a dad. And a mom. And need to learn healthy boundaries and learn the mechanics of loving adults who respect and nourish and complement each other. They do. We dont have enough of them.
Well thanks feminism or whatever happened to destroy the nuclear family. In the name of all the kids in the world, fuck you.
But whatever, this is the reality we live now. If you want to build a nuclear family and have healthy kids, then you NEED to screen for a long term relationship. Forget about short term fun. Start screening for character and stuff now. NOW.
This isnt what girls are screening in their majority though. Girls dont need a man to stick around, see? they dont need you to be there and provide and be a dad. They only need the fun the rush and the money / sperm, if so.
So why you, as a man, would bother with a LTR? if you want a family right now, and you’re willing to screen out 99% of the girls out there, you have to bother with it. If you’re not, then you just shouldnt.
There’s no point to attempt an LTR in fun-screening world.
I mean. What is a LTR that you know is going to end. What makes it “long”? a year? two? how much are you willing to work and invest for a “long” relationship that has a short duration? why are you going there to begin with?
If you’re a beta nice guy, the response is: it’s your only chance to get some ass. Love and affection and stability and true match is all you can aspire to and is the only card you can play in this SMP. No body wants you but maybe ONE will. And since it’s your only card, its a limited resource, and you really need it and you’d be very lucky if it played out well. Fuck, it’s already on a pedestal.
In short, dont go there. Because when you become “lucky”, in reality you just found a girl who “settled” with you but aspires to more than you. A girl who’s still in screening mode. As she should. Because she shouldnt be with you to start with, but with mr Right, and she’s not there to help you become mr Right but to remind you every day that you’re not.
LOL.
In an old fashioned world, or with an old fashioned guy and girl… screening helps to help your partner. The screening complements each other and saves the love and makes it stronger. She sees he’s not measuring up? she helps him. He sees she’s not taking care of herself (and becoming unattractive) he helps her. There are problems? each uses their intelligence instincts etc to sum. They take care of each other. Man this even brings a tear to my eye! it’s so romantic.
Have you ever seen this? yes? you want this? then drop the world and put all your pieces into a single purpose and find that one, screen the world out, drop current society. Find the one and be the one.
No? not ready to go there, not yet, not ever? is it too risky, improbable? then dont.
But as a man, whatever you choose to do, climb the ladder. Shut up, work your ass, and work the ladder. You were born here to compete and win. If you dont have the drive, cut whatever is sucking you out and find the drive. You’re here to climb that shit and own it. Just as girls are here to find mr Right. So be mr Right. The one you were born to be. Then shit get’s easy.
Become the king who owns the resources and pulls the strings and is a badass.
Then you might have true love, the one that doesnt require salvation.
Im starting a campaign so Deti starts his own blog. He just left this at Dalrock’s. Only edited for coherence and dramatism.
* * *
What I’m going to say will sound harsh, so I apologize in advance.
She LJBF’d you after you showed interest. You befriended her anyway. She was seeing someone else and is now out of reach. You don’t like LJBF, you resent it, and you’re vacillating between making another try at her affections or just being friends or walking away.
Walking away and cutting off all contact with her is the best option. Never, never be friends with any woman who LJBFs you explicitly or implicitly. What are you getting out of this “friendship”? She gets affirmation and validation in the form of attention from a man whom she knows wants a romantic relationship with her. You get nothing. She is using you and wasting (at the very least) your time.
Do absolutely nothing for a woman who LJBFs you. Do not spend time with her unless you and she happen to be in the same place with mutual friends. Do not give her any one on one time. Do not be her friend. Do not indulge her by listening to her stories of her a**hole boyfriends, her pump & dump misadventures, or how “I just want a nice guy who will treat me right.” Don’t return her phone calls or texts. Under no circumstances should you ever spend any money on her or give her any help with anything.
Women are the gatekeepers of sex. But YOU are the gatekeeper of your investment and commitment. The things you have of value are your time, money, expertise and resources. These things are valuable, and they should not be expended on anyone who is (1) unworthy; or (2) unwilling to reciprocate. This woman wants you to invest in her for free — she wants you to give her your time, money and resources, but she wants, nay, expects, to give you nothing back in return.
Her view on it is that all she has to do is grace you with her very presence, to dollop out small amounts of her attention on you, and you should simply want to reciprocate with your time.
No. That is a waste of your time, and you should put an end to it now.
* * *
Men who do this for women are called emotional tampons. The analogy is sound. The woman bleeds her emotions all over the man, who is expected to absorb them. The woman then discards the man and gives him no further thought.
Ah. Girls who have bitch shields. Surprise surprise: the “shield” is actually a part of herself. One that she uses when she feels above of something. Which she likes. Hint: it’s not going anywhere.
The bitchy side doest mean she has more value. It means that a part of her is rotten. Like a rotten fruit. What do you do when you find a rotten fruit… do you try to spin it harder and chew it carefully so you can get to the good part? or do you drop it and get a good one? or, sure you can chew the whole thing, but is that what you do when you have options?
In order to get on top of her bitch shield and disarm her you have to possess more value than her, so she lowers her bitchy game and and gives you a bridge – a reason to keep interacting. But if you have more value than her, why exactly are you trying to win over a bitch?
That game is rigged to be a hell of a sour ride.
In short, don’t waste your time with them. The worst thing that could happen is that you work your ass and actually get her, and then have to sort through her bitchy and non bitchy crazy-making sides on a daily basis.
The “getting in contact with your feewwingss” thing is making me think a lot. Leap brings this up from the comments, old shit right?, but it opens new angles:
“Most men, myself included, have been trained to either ignore emotions or only relate to the ones that matter to women. I didn’t personally go all the way with that, though I’m unsure if that was a choice due to art or me drawing a line and telling society to fuck off.
Woe to the man who gets in touch with his passionate anger.”
Men who control their emotions are better suited to survive. A proper man, a strong and confident man, has to excel under stress, has to appear to make easy what is hard for everyone else. And then this man should have enough spare emotional energy to enjoy life and reap on the profits, and reproduce, and pass down his legacy. Cue: the grumpy man doesnt cut it.
But the shortcut to mastering your emotions is having none.
Does it work? yeah. Short term it does. The wave of bullshit is coming? turn it off. You have an efervescence of bad feelings and anxiety surging inside and cant turn it off? shake it out. Put it out there. Hit stuff. Man up. You don’t want to lose it under pressure. Don’t want to deal with it. Turn it off. Vampire Diaries style.
But this doesnt allow you to understand your own feelings / emotions, and, at the end, your emotions are the ones in charge, not your rational brain nor your skills. Your emotions sustain your belief and your identity and are the glue for your relational networks. So if you’re not aware and dont have emotional intelligence, if you cant command and understand and feel, and your emotional skills are limited to turn stuff off, block control repress and redirect, youre an EASY pray for emotional manipulators.
Guess whos manipulating you? Media. Society. Religions. Family. Friends. People. Relationships. Everyone. And your own emotions, that you dont control, are also manipulating other people. It’s a dark game played behind curtains and the most evident sign is what happens when you question it all.
It’s not the rational mind what’s blocking you. It’s not a logical puzzle. Question your life right now. The country, the city, the friends, your god, your pillars, and say: it’s all bullshit. Cancel your story. Take your most sacred belief and question it. Can you? or something inside shakes away from it?
What you cant handle you dont own. It owns you. You’re it’s bitch. And how exactly did you get into this position, where you respond to something and are unable to question, but you go with it. When exactly did you agree to be something else’s bitch? when did you surrender? do you remember? what if you hadnt?
Or. Who benefits from this? Who created this shit?
But I might be getting in too deep. Here’s where Emma would chime in:
“That.. sounds very profound, although I didn’t quite grasp it.”
Thanks baby, I get that a lot.
And. Women. You would think that since women are not taught to repress their emotions they are better off. But, no, since women are protected and treated like children and get a free pass and have other people to take on the consequences for them and get free respect and the natural entitlement that follows… no. They have access to a wider range of emotions, but one that is also out of touch with reality and stuck in the childhood, a meaningless, out of control limbo / mess of preferences and unsorted waves of sensorial, biological urges and minute bullshit. Sorry. Emotions for their own sake are not enlightment.
Intelligence is the ability to solve problems. The communication with reality and the know-how define it.
You have one gender with contact with reality but no emotional lexicon. And the other gender with emotional lexicon but no contact with reality.
Still, the problem is not about feeling inferior. Not on it’s own.
* * *
Feeling inferior / superior goes by hand with winning / losing. If you think you did a fantastic job but when the results come you’re last on the chain, you’re to feel inferior. That, if you have any sanity. Or if you came on top, or if you won the match, you’re going to feel confident and dominant.
If you have any sanity your feelings correlate with reality.
The thing is not what you feel but where does that push you. Like Mark said. What then? what do you do with it?
* * *
So how about when the feeling is painful.
Say, your hand is burning on the fire. Now what? do you suppress the pain? take painkillers? block it? ignore it? turn out the music really loud? get distracted? buy ice, to compensate for the third grade burns that are appearing on your skin? apply make up? do you come up with a justification that makes it OK for you to get burned? as a payout for stuff you have committed? or not? price to pay? or you blame it on someone else, or do you personalize the situation, like, the fire is EVIL and wants to HURT you? or maybe end up hating your own skin because it hurts? or you deny the whole thing? or do you chop your arm out? do you create an imaginary bitch to put your pain on? a deity? an amicable doormat? do you split yourself? whine so you get rescued? hate, because your designated rescuer doesnt care enough? what does that pain make you do? what do you do?
And then how about if the feeling is pleasurable? do you hold it? rationalize it? say you deserve it? integrate it firmly with your ego? protect it behind walls? make yourself a costume with it? do you pile it up, to make a nice cushion that distracts you from your other hand, that is burning on the fire? use it as compensation? condition yourself to it as a reward of other stuff you force yourself to go trough? keep building on top of it?
See? the more you do and retain and build structures, the more the whole thing is prone to collapse. The more you hold to your feelings, the more you lose control over reality. The might produce stupid shit like, you winning and feeling miserable, or you losing and feeling good about it, or you sabotaging or getting stuck, or old emotional states that always come back like ghosts, or, never being really, truly “here”, because you lost the emotional awareness that otherwise would tell you how your really feel, so you can’t handle the relationship between yourself and the reality.
Let’s say that again.
Doing stupid ego stuff with your feelings prevents you from developing an intelligence that tells you how you really feel.
If you dont know how you really feel, you can’t solve this.
Sorry. Affirmations can’t replace intelligence.
* * *
So. Hand is burning? How about, retiring your hand from the flame. Then learning how to handle the stuff so you dont get burned. That, without hating the fire nor all of your mental gymnastics to camouflage and justify what didn’t need a justification.
Or some event caused pleasure? how about learning how to get there once and again, without pretending that such state is an intrinsic part of yourself. One you depend on and are addicted to.
* * *
For most people… I think we’re taught this stuff. Most people just reject the undesired feelings, including the inferiority ones. Most people build structures to compensate, instead of moving and fixing and changing and taking charge of the situation that is causing the feeling. And the overall body gets sicker and sicker, and the original problem gets worse with every layer of bullshit that is placed on top of it, and the higher the structure, the more wicked and twisted it gets.
And pleasure receives the same treatment.
So. How to get better? Leave the fucking feelings alone. Let them be. Free them. Let them take charge. Let them go wherever they will go. No place is too high, and no place is too low.
* * *
Feelings are there for a reason. Embrace them. Like Shari would say. Honor your feelings. All of them. The more you feel, the more you discern, the wiser your emotional body gets, the more you gain emotional intelligence, the better you’ll perform. Yes. Even if all you feel is pain.
I’m a newcomer to HUS and found this and other blogs that I’m relating to through HUS. I don’t have the perspective others may have since I’ve only been reading for a month or so. I don’t know what was going on there several years ago.
I have never heard a woman try to step inside a man’s shoes before, which is why I took HUS as fair. However, I’m baffled that she would disagree with this post about manipulation. This isn’t controversial stuff. Maybe I need to read it again.
A couple of mean girls were attacking my friend Olive at HUS and I wrote that for her, so she would reflect on her own behavior, how she was allowing other people to bully her.
Enter Susan, and she took my post as a personal attack to herself, which wasnt. So what would you do? apologize to Susan for the offense you didnt mean, talk through it and make sure everything is cool?
How about if this unrelated drama, this sudden and hurtful misunderstanding is the pattern, the normal modus operandi?
* * *
If you’re a man wandering at HUS and you’re friendly, Susan will first receive you with cushions and drinks, treat you well, make sure you’re comfortable and enjoying the show, and pull you in closely, intimately, so you become part of her “team”.
See. Susan either has allies or foes, it’s a Black or White world, where the shades of gray are measured according to how much she can use you as an ally, and where she plays the unquestionable moral compass of White. Emphasis on “unquestionable”.
So all it will take is for you to express a dissenting opinion, or a criticism, and your comfortable friendship and trust you were building and the drink that you’re holding on your hand, will explode, beautifully, because you stepped on a land mine that you didnt know was there, and now you’re labeled a despicable “foe” and the cops are coming for your ass and someone is screaming help! help! and whose is all that blood? and you’re too confused right now to figure out what just happened so you start crying and asking for forgiveness, and apologizing for every sin you might have or not committed, that you meant no harm, that you’re one of the good guys… that where the fuck is your drink?
And that second, the second you profusely apologize, everything will be ok. Paradise and agreeableness and trust will come back. Even when you’re not sure about what the fuck just went on.
This is called, training.
And it will happen again. With no warning the drinks will explode, the lights will go off, the rage will go on, she´ll push you out, then pull you in, then out, while you keep working through it and trying to go back to the good and swearing wtf why is this so confusing? who’s there? who’s grabbing my ass?
You´ll be walking on eggshells. And eventually break.
Or you´ll refuse to.
* * *
If you refuse to, you´ll stand there, repeating firmly what you think is right and reasoning through it, and watch how Susan ignores every argument, while nitpicking words and changing the subject, escalating on the issue, making personal comments that might make you react. She´ll increase the dosis.
If you do react, you lose your cool and say something stupid, then all you have to do is to profusely apologize and reassure her you’re one of her allies, and pay whatever duties she has for you. I mean, how dare you man. You made a woman uncomfortable. Pay your fucking fine and do as you’re told, you fucking loser.
But let’s say you dont react. You keep your ground firmly, and as cool as you can, no matter which dosis she gives you. She’ll call for the support of every ally she has and make a big bitch fest around you, painting a big picture of you and looking under your clothes which buttons she can press and press them all in a big huge hungry orgy of dramatic misunderstandings and broken feelings, which she will keep escalating until something breaks. Hopefully you. You bitch! how you dare making her work so hard.
When you eventually see the futility of resisting, you’ll make a mark on the ground and write “land mine here, and here, and here, and dont walk through there, dont mention this… avoid, avoid, avoid, please, please, please her” After a while, there will be a lot of stuff that you just dont talk about, and you’ll know what’s proper to say and what not. You still might receive a drama dosis from time to time, just to make sure you’re under control.
Or you might decide to abandon HUS, or to become one of HUS and help give newcomers the same treatment.
Or you´ll take the whole thing badly and spit it out. In which case you’ll get banned. You were always a foe, didnt ya know? oh you despicable malicious pig.
* * *
And when I was walking out I saw something funny.
All those mines and sensitive subjects were, most of the time, fights Susan initiated herself, offenses she took on herself when the other parties meant no offense, or offenses she did on others but then acted like an abused victim when the other party responded angrily, or misunderstandings, mistakes on her part that she wouldnt take responsibility of, etc.
HUS is like an open party with lights and music and candy and interesting posters and hype, where everyone discussing sensible stuff and dancing, and with Susan, smoothly, dropping mines and picking fights and then playing the good samaritan who’s been wronged.
And all those mechanics…. I swear I have seen them somewhere else. Like. Everywhere. I see sick people. Let’s make a movie where Bruce Willis was sick all along.
So what did I do, fueled by my rescuer complex? I called her openly on her bizarre behavior and asked her to self reflect and change. Boom. Im so clever.
You bet that didnt turn out well.
From there on my whole presence was making landmines blow off. That post for Olive for example, Susan took it as a “character assassination” directed to her and wanted me go to in yet another endless me-you-drama-ohnoyoudidnt party.
The games we play. Or stop playing.
* * *
So. Are you new to HUS? pay attention. Dont waste your time explaining that you didnt mean and that you didnt say or rectifying ancient misconceptions and mistakes that go on and on and on and forever on that site, dont waste your time rectifying the “truth” there.
HUS is not a research-the-truth-and-be-honest forum. HUS is there to support the opinion and mood states and ego involvements of Susan, and where disagreeing, or the appearance of disagreeing, means betrayal, which is a political crime punishable by shame and rage, and she’ll make sure those happen, that your boundaries get tested and your alliances reassured, and that you pay your fines, and it will require passing through several stages of love / hate, walking on eggshells, breakups make ups and endless drama, as long as she considers you a valuable asset, until you’re hers, or you’re out.
I dont know if it’s a flavor or BPD/N, but whatever it is, her charisma works. I think she gets 20k-50K visitors a month. That’s a lot of people wanting to play.
But, if you feel like playing, at least know what you’re playing.
I am indeed working on being more attractive and getting my needs met first and foremost, I am also going to try something else that I hope will improve things greatly.
I’m going to do my best to teach my SO about herself.
I honestly don’t see how this can work if my mate remains completely clueless. Athol’s wife of course is fully on board with his efforts.
[...]
I can’t see this working long term if she remains completely clueless about all this.
* * *
Unless she’s asking you to teach her about herself, this won’t work.
1) If you care about her change more than she does, you become codependent, if you’re not already (chances are you are)
2) By finding the solution on the awareness of other people, by focusing on the external, you transfer your own blame and inadecuate feelings and painful emotions into other people. On the long run, you’ll make everything worse.
3) She may be a kid, but she’s not your kid. Even when we usually refer to women as children, what it really means is that you must strive to become an adult in your relationship.
A) Even if she was your kid and you wanted her to change, “explaining her herself” doesnt do anything. Kids don’t need explanations, they need rules and consistency and an intelligence stronger than their own they can trust. They will be able to process explanations, in case they ever want them, once they are curious about how things WORK. For that, they have to see that stuff WORKS first. They need to experience the rule before they can rationalize the explanation.
B) Women are more emotional than men. You have to handle her with emotional intelligence, not rational intelligence. If she’s in a middle of an emotional turmoil and you attempt the logic-explanation path, she’ll get angrier because you don’t understand her and you’re trying to manipulate her rational mind into changing her emotions, when you should be paying attention to her emotions. And what does paying attention to her emotions mean? not necessarily that you surrender to them. But you have to treat them as real, when they are, and spank her / reprehend her when she’s just being silly.
and
4) You’ve been in a relationship with her for a while. You know this woman. What is exactly what you’re going to explain her about herself that she doesnt know already? and, how well has she taken “explanations” about herself that are not pleasant, codename: criticism?. How does she handle being confronted with rational explanations she doesnt want to hear, or facets of herself that have negative connotations?
And last
5) With stuff like “Athol’s wife supports his efforts” and comparisons to other couples, you’re only saying that your SO doesnt support your efforts, that you’re envy of other couples, you’re bringing jealousy and pityness into your situation. By saying “I don’t know if we cant last, I can’t see this working long term unless she…” you’re setting an ultimatum. You whiny bitch.
You want her to change so you can change and want her to understand and grow sou you can grow, or else. How old are you? You’re supposed to kick her out of your life if she doesnt qualify. You’re not supposed to bring her in and build ties and then ask HER to change. If you’re already in a relationship and you found that you have to change, tell her that YOU are changing, and change. If she wants to stay with you, she’ll follow.
* * *
Dude. When your kids do something improper. Do you sit them them down and explain them the history of mankind and all the context and variables and why what they did upset you so much so they can take in consideration your feelings and their own and all humanity and society and the rules, so they can make their own choice?
Or do you tell them: “Don’t do THAT”, firmly, let them get the message, then let them go?
Guess which kid is going to be happier?
You’re supposed to be the adult. The MAN in the relationship. That means it’s your job to digest reality and expose yourself to all the danger and complexities of the world, deal with it, find solutions for it, digest it, and make it SIMPLE. Make it WORK.
This means you’re not supposed to explain other people in your circuit. You’re not supposed to be a non-playing supportive agent that keeps giving advice and explanations to the person in charge. You’re the one expected to be in charge. You’re supposed to lead. You’re supposed to be only listening to the feedback other people do on YOUR leadership. Not listening so you follow them, but listening so you know how to lead better. This is not a game where you explain and teach but where they ultimately decide what to do.
You’re supposed to tell them what to do, and if needed, how. “Why” only if they ask you directly, but the “why” is not so they agree with you. They should agree with you because you’re a proven decision maker, and because they trust you, and because it’s implicit. Because you’re the adult, and they chose you. And you’re good for them. You make it easier, you make it simple, you make it work.
* * *
So. You found your scapegoat and decided that you’re going to teach her herself.
First examine why, exactly, you need so badly that she realizes who she is and what she’s doing to you. And why you need to verbalize and she to accept your verbalization and to change, to please you, based on your understanding of how the world works instead of her own viewpoints. Why on the face of the uncomfortable, you need HER to change HER mind in order for YOU to have what YOU want.
Why do you need to do all that manipulative process, instead of, say, being the person and acting in the way the end result is for granted, quitting the approval seeking and approval dependance, and the clinginess and neediness – and becoming an adult and lead by example, sans-explanations.
You’re placing her as a stepping stone to your own change.
It won’t work.
* * *
Last note. Instead of teaching her herself, teach her YOU. She’ll learn about herself in the process. At her own pace.
I think I have the concept of game well covered) how game works. It is using specific actions to trigger specific reactions from a woman. In a way, I see it as a social way of making a person’s leg twitch by hitting the kneecap with a rubber mallet. It is a reaction to a trigger. I don’t have any issue with understanding that. My issue is, why do we have to go through all this?
We are intelligent creatures, totally and utterly capable of overriding our most basic and strongest biological urges, yet instead of simply standing up and saying “this is stupid. lets fix it” we keep finding ways to bump woman with that rubber mallet.
You were in the military, so you have seen this plenty of times. If we could not override our nature, no human alive would run into a burning building to save a stranger. No human would go to war for their country. The fact that people can and have sacrificed themselves for another person, or even the “greater good”, proves beyond all doubt that there really is no need for “game” if we would simply stop rutting in our “nature” and rose above to become something better. THAT is the reason I keep looking for the why of it all. Not because I don’t understand how it works, but because I simply cannot fathom why we all collectively don’t just wise up and change the rules. And this is also why I tend to feel that “people” suck.
Collectively we will gravitate toward the lowest common denominator even though we have the capacity to be much more. Unless pushed, most people simply don’t care to improve. Yes, I get that the sky is blue and water is wet. But the sky and water do not have self awareness and intelligence to become something else. To simply state that something just “is” when it comes to female sexuality is completely removing intelligence and will from the equation.
———————-
OK, let’s break it down.
[Game] is using specific actions to trigger specific reactions from a woman.
No. Social interaction is what you do to trigger specific reactions from people. Really think, sit and process that one. From the moment you open your mouth, greet people, say hi, hello, thanks, all your demeanor, all your public presence an interactions, are, exclusively, actions that trigger specific reactions on people.
If you’re kind to other people you expect kindness back. If you are abusive to other people, you expect them to respond as victims do. If you tell jokes, you expect laughs. If you are generous, you expect gratitude. Whenever you dont get what you EXPECT, you’re going to feel hurt. You’re going to feel that how the world treats you doesnt match what your inputting. Simply put, your ability to get disoriented and hurt exposes your selfish, self centered, manipulative, inner bitch.
Now, this is less manipulative if what you do and what you project is “really” what you feel and how you are, and you’re not doing it “because” you expect any specific return. But go ahead, and examine if you’re doing what you’re doing because that “is you”, or because you expect something in return. How to measure that? check the pain meter. The more hurt you are, the more you’re doing whatever you’re doing to get something in return.
So, no, game is not using specific actions to get specific reactions. Action / Reaction is just socialization.
Game is a map telling you which actions trigger which reactions and why. And you can use that to overwrite the non-functioning one.
My issue is, why do we have to go through all this?
We are intelligent creatures, totally and utterly capable of overriding our most basic and strongest biological urges
No we’re not.
We’re intelligent. Cough. Yes. But intelligence is only needed when there’s pain, and the use of intelligence requires a deliberate, problem solving approach – it requires acknowledge of pain AND having the responsibility to go find and fix the issue. So you’re only going to use your intelligence when you cant ignore/placate the pain AND you cant use someone else to figure it out. That’s just how it is. It’s called conservation of energy.
And then, intelligence is only at the service of your basic and strong biological urges. Intelligence only works when you’re in pain, remember? you cant override your pain with intelligence. Your pain is the fuel. You will think and problem solve and reach agreements and do whatever you can to survive. Surviving is not a rational drive. Actually, I´ll wait here while you look for a single example of any human being overriding their most basic and strongest biological urges.
We dont want intelligence. Dude. You dont want the intelligence to, say, handle x1000 the problems you can handle now. You dont want the intelligence to figure out every problem in the world and take on them. What you want is pleasure, comfort, fitness, and control. You need intelligence to handle the stuff that is preventing you from reaching that state, you need intelligence to find your way through, but you’re going to use your intelligence to make yourself happy, or make yourself comfortable in whatever situation you’re in and survive, and not the other way around. Intelligence is a tool. Once you reach your destiny, you’re going to relax and turn it off. As you should.
If we could not override our nature, no human alive would run into a burning building to save a stranger. No human would go to war for their country.
Why is it then that women dont go into the burning building to save male strangers, but men do?
Check Animal Planet. Animals do fight, go to war, protect their women and children, eggs, the colmena, animals live in war and put themselves second when needed, in order for their tribe to survive. Bottom line, this isnt a human, rational construct. Wars and society and firefighters and heroes are part of our animal imprint.
Actually, try to talk rationally to a soldier into NOT going into war. And you’ll get an emotional, not rational, response.
if we would simply stop rutting in our “nature” and rose above to become something better.
But this hits the nail.
Stop rutting our nature and become something better. On one hand, you despise your nature, you’re drowning in shame and self rejection, and cant find your way to accept yourself and other people, you find yourself as an outcast, and see our base nature as defectful. On the other hand, you think you can do “better”. Say, nature rigged this thing, but Ted has a better idea, and the idea is to add more intelligence (more problem solving) to the mix. So you’re in pain right? you’re in trouble. Who do you think it’s going to dictate what that “better” is? who do you think is going to lay the rules down so your intelligence can figure out a “better” human being? because all I can see is your pain, your very defectul, unfit and rejected biological nature…. full of pain… your inner manipulative bitchy beautiful monster, unwilling to use your own intelligence to solve the problem you’re in for yourself.
In other words, you want all of us, you want the world to change and overwrite the basic nature and use their intelligence to form bridges, because your own body is in pain, and you are unwilling to use your own intelligence to figure it out.
You want to conserve your energy and waste ours.
So go fuck yourself. And I love you, my friend, but fuck yourself already. Grow the fuck up.
THAT is the reason I keep looking for the why of it all.
I hope I provided.
Not because I don’t understand how it works, but because I simply cannot fathom why we all collectively don’t just wise up and change the rules. And this is also why I tend to feel that “people” suck.
People suck. I suck. You suck. We’re are horrible. But we’re cool and beautiful too. Carry your own mess and use your own intelligence – dive into your own pain and own your own hurts, stop being lazy now and use your own energy to figure this out, instead of asking everyone else and ringing the false high-road bell. Save laziness for the future. Procastinate laziness, save that for when you’ve made it. For when you’re good.
Own your own mess. And you´ll see it.
Collectively we will gravitate toward the lowest common denominator even though we have the capacity to be much more. Unless pushed, most people simply don’t care to improve.
You’ve got it. We tend to conservate energy. Unless there’s trouble, pain, conflict, why change? we can be “so much more” really translates to “we can be different”. But if when there’s no trouble, pain or conflict… what’s the point on being different? you hold on to that state. As you should.
Converting capacity / potential into factual, real goods takes work. Now ask yourself how much work do you want to put into reaching all your capacity and potential, while holding to the idea that this is just a “different” you, not necessarily “better”, because “better” is mostly defined by the external conditions. So how much work?
If you’re sane, the response is as much work as needed, but as little as possible.
For a lot of people whatever they are doing simply works. They manage to get to the end of the week and to the end of the month. That’s all it takes to hold on.
Yes, I get that the sky is blue and water is wet. But the sky and water do not have self awareness and intelligence to become something else. To simply state that something just “is” when it comes to female sexuality is completely removing intelligence and will from the equation.
You dont become something else because you’re aware. You become something else when you dont have other choice. Let’s say the sky and water had self awareness. What would you expect them to become? what’s wrong with the sky and water to begin with? what’s going to happen? sky + water 3.0 with a usb port? what for?
How is intelligence going to change masculine and feminine sexuality, when it’s not broken? if anything, intelligence is going to break it to fit your previously broken stuff, like feminism and some other religions have.
Stop putting this stuff outside.
What you’re doing is complaining that whatever you’re doing doesnt work, doesnt give you what you expected to receive in exchange of your behavior / manipulation, and you want other people to use their intelligence, or if they dont, at least blame your pain on them for not doing it, so you dont have to own your own pain, dont have to use your own intelligence, and dont have to change and become a different version of you.
You’re like a crying baby, except you’re in age to walking to the kitchen, open the fridge, and feed yourself.
Bro, Im still digesting this stuff, but here’s the succint that explains where all of your problems come from: watch the video.
There are four pieces in play. Two people, one needing, other giving, one owning the frame, other reacting to the frame, one needing the other for survival, and an ambivalence that goes between “hey Im cute look at me!” and “fuck Im furious look at me”, and then the range of hate / love / sadness / despair / joy / safeness that happens between the two.
That circuit gets printed before we learn to talk = before we are able to form abstract and concepts. It’s a basic four piece, emotional / behavioral circuit.
There are many ways that circuit can be imprinted “wrong”. One is to have the mom (or dads) on the receiving end, making the kid the giver. Other is having him owning the frame. Other is to have the mom (or dads) respond only when the kid acts out. Other is making the kid act out and then silence him / punish him for it. Etc. Shortly, the kid understands the game and starts to play it.
And then you build everything on top.
Your experiences from ages 12-21, of course helped forming you, because you’re 35 now and this is a sum accumulative game. But honestly, what happened to you from 12-21, are the same mechanics that were already happening, only adding more external world influence, sex drive, and additional pressures.
Im trying to locate the source of the pain, and is this: like a compass or a geometrical piece that wants to find equilibrium, the pain wants to find the “good” again (from the good the bad and the ugly), but it only knows to reach that “good” by balancing violently between the bad and the ugly and episodes of rage and if that doesnt work, splitting / self mutilation ( cutting out the undesired parts of you, your past, identity, emotions, people, relationships, blocking stuff out, etc)
It’s a constant look out for the elusive “good” part of the dynamic.
Then BPD and narcissim, codependency etc: when this stuff get’s bad imprinted, it’s like the foundation of the building isnt strong enough, so the building cant grow normal. Like a bonsai or something. The learned game doesnt “work” so it keeps trying, its an internal struggle that never resolves. Like the rat that pushes the lever once and again and gets rewards randomly ( the basis of compulsive behavior / addiction ). Plus the whole identity gets build on top of it.
BPD narcissim etc equals having the emotional growth of a three year old or so. You get stuck to the mechanics that quite dont work ( yet are the only you know ) and miss the mechanics that you would have developed in the subsequent years.
Say, if you knew how to get to the good part, and how to get to the bad and ugly part on your own, with control over your emotions, by the time sexuality peaked, age 12, you would have had natural “game”, and you would have been assertive about your needs and wants.
But you werent confident / self reassured about your needs and wants, because you were still negotiating how to even feel “good” and safe, so you didnt develop game nor saw girls / relationships for what they were – but you just added this to the previous unresolved mix, like, seeking the “good” (basic, maternal, paternal love where you’re defenseless and you’re intimally loved and taken care of and safe) from girls, mixing the defenseless and the sexual aggressive drive and the long time affection longing and the sense of dispair of never feeling safe, etc. and, adding the ugly and acting out and resenting the “big provider” for being such a manipulator, and whatever other mechanisms you needed to stabilize the original game, being a control freak, or being a doormat, or placing your needs last, or placing them first, exercising too much pressure (abusing), or letting yourself be abused, attaching too strongly, or refusing to attach at all, the places you had to go or the places you were forbidden to go, or whatever, whatever you had to learn and repeat so you could have access to the good part, or could live at all if the good part never came.
And then add years and years of rationalization that attempted to normalize this so you could do other stuff, have friends, work, study, have a life.
The idea seems to be that people are stuck on an emotional development age. It explains a hell of a lot for me.
Then of course, when you “click” with somebody, it’s your internal game, the primal game what clicks. You see the opportunity to play the game and win it this time. Whatever that game is, whatever the imprint is, “that” is what is going to repeat. You’re going to repeat what already happened, because you’re still playing that game, and you’re asking around who wants to play it with you.
The Last Psychiatrist usually has interesting insight on popular culture and movies. This is a mashup from my comments there:
I didnt read either book, I only watched the movies. That is, the Harry Potter movies and THG one. So take this with a grain of salt.
Manhood. Males compete and train and adhere to greatest principles. The underlying drive, always, is competition, to possess the higher force, the more fine tuned resource, the bigger cock, etc. To outlast, outperform, outsmart, dominate. To win.
A character is “manlier” when he decides, consistently, to defeat the environment, to prevail, to be stronger than, to amass power, to do the higher cause thing, etc. When he says “no” to forced circumstances and keeps pushing, against all odds, to make things his way. And this drive shines in absense of external encouragement – and often at expenses of it.
So. Harry doesnt defeat Voldemort. He goes to the forest because he doesnt want other people to die, and surrenders. The manly move would have been to go into the forest with either a plan or a bigger cock and kill the enemy. Instead, he recognizes Volermort’s bigger cock and offers himself to him. Voldemort only ends up dead because it’s a happy story. Harry’s cock didnt kill him, the story did.
Then, to make it even more unmanly, Harry is rewarded the hyper powerful bigger than the universe magical stick… and he gets rid of it. Harry doesnt want the power, doesnt want the supreme magic, doesnt want the trouble. All he wants is peace and stability and to grow a family and take his kids to school and the comfort and the familiar. He doesnt want to go further and push the envelope and take decisions that radically alter things, he doesnt want to grow into a legend, he wants to be normal, he wants the mundane.
He has “feminine” goals.
In nature, and in society, a man with such safe ambitions rarely can achieve them, because men do have to compete other men and rank higher on the men’s ladder to have a shot at reproduction and stability. Heck. When women – who primarily want stability and comfort and safety and to have stuff done and provided to them – are screening for partners, they usually pick the more dominant, higher ranked men in the group, the men who can actually risk themselves out there in the so dangerous world and win some prizes, so they can provide safety and stability for others.
So guys with the ambition of Harry Potter have NO chance to do the stuff Harry Potter does in the movies. Nor can inspire all that movement around them, nor the sympathy nor the loyalty nor the admiration.
But his story makes sense if he’s a girl. A magical, underage virginal girl that everyone wants to protect and is willing to die and kill for. A girl who has value because of who she is – a jewel, a symbol, an object – and not because of what she does. And at the end, after every other option has been exhausted, she “chooses” to sacrifice herself to avoid the suffering of the ones she loves. The ultimate sacrifice. She abandons her comfort, goes into the forest and let’s the dangerous, evil, powerful man have her. She totally surrenders to him. Yum. You bet she was turned on?
Now that’s a story that has been told SO many times.
Which brings us to Katniss.
“you would likely understand that Katniss chooses to lead a rebellion”
Im going out on a limp here and guess that when she “chooses” to “lead?” a rebellion, it’s pretty much the only thing she can do, like when she “chooses” to take her sister’s place or when she “chooses” to team with Peeta or when she “chooses” to shoot an arrow to some killer running towards her or when she “chooses” to cut some bee’s nest that was – so conveniently – at the reach of her hand.
While anything can be viewed as a “choice”, a real choice is when the externals are not pushing towards it as the “only, and only possibility, or else”. In this sense, Katniss doesnt make any choices on the movie. She doesnt stick to any decision. She reacts to the environment, she self-defends, taking what seems to be the best choice, which is usually presented in comparison to some other unfathomable choice, and the story takes charge, presenting her with the choices she has to make. And then she makes them.
She’s pretty much a stone carried by a grandiose wave.
She’s a leaf on a tsunami.
I still dont get why anyone would call her “badass” or strong. She did what she had to do. But her decisions werent her own. In a different story or context, she would have launched the Hiroshima bomb, or she would have sacrificed herself to the Hiroshima bomb, depending on what the story requested from her.
She’s no more badass than the avarage teenager.
If she had been born in the Capitol she would be hosting the Hunger Games herself. You know, to feed her family. And those fire dresses are expensive.
What about irrecoverable omegas? Betas could make it work. But irrecoverable omegas, who maybe are screwed by permanent reasons entirely beyond their control (and mental illness and personality disorders count!) cannot make it work no matter what. I think the Game community would help themselves if, instead of saying “Game works no matter what!” and then getting sniped at by haters who then cite irrecoverable omegas, Game advocates wisely countered with “Game works, except for omegas, who need to focus on [something else].”
This would peel away one of the biggest weapons of the haters: pointing to the small group of completely hopeless omegas for whom Game would never work and citing that group as proof that Game doesn’t work. The Game community needs to stop getting slammed by the outliers. Vox is the only site run by a non-crazy person who actually recognizes and writes about omegas-who they are, what happens to them, where they go. (Game for Omegas is written by a gamma and DA is no longer writing a blog. The rest, like W&N, are crazy.)
Then the question becomes: what makes for hopeless omegadom?
———————————————————————————————————
I was an omega myself. I know that question very well. What makes for hopeless omegadom?
Or, what can help you when you’re helpless? or, which medicine can cure you from an incurable, terminal sickness?
I
How about if you’re a stupid, awkward ugly fat unfunny bunny… who was running from home because nobody wanted you… and you were chasing a cute bunny who wanted to be your friend, but she got hit by a truck and is all splattered over the street now… and oh you also got hit by a truck while crossing the street… and your spine is broken… and you can barely move while a hungry cat comes around… oh he’s eating your legs now… and see that fly on your nose? its injecting you with larvae…. and a vulture just took your left eye, and your right one is kinda blurry… and bleeding… and you see that pink fluid around? the truck’s hit made a crack on your skull and half of your brain is spread all over the street…
What can help you now?
II
Some cultures like the Japanese do these over the top hopeless scenarios to make the heroic achievement bigger. The bunny would stand up and fight back ultimately defeat the truck and get the girl. That’s why I liked manga so much. Occident though, specially in movies, routinely makes the hero fail, and then an unexpected accident / miracle happens.
So what will make it for our bunny? heroism or magic?
Thing is, the bunny is already taking pride as a martyr.
III
What makes for hopeless omegadom?
Nothing, because of the “hopeless” there. The premise defeats the question. The more you feed it with answers, the more it will have to emphasize the hopelessness aspect to keep the outcome even.
The scenario is looking for a very particular flavor of pain. One that is both extreme and stable. It’s a worst case scenario, but also, one that can’t change. This means that nothing worse can happen, unless you attempt to repair it or to bring good stuff into it… because when there’s good stuff, all can go fucked up again. So good stuff = pain. But it’s also looking for validation, self victimization, transfer of blame: ego survival, in a fucked up sense.
In other words, every solution, every attempt to change the scenario just brings a challenge to make the problem more complex, to make the scenario meaner.
The more you bring help or solutions, the bigger the problem becomes.
What can heal you when you want to be sick?
Nothing. First you must want to be healthy.
IV
Usually a full dosis of pain and a complete failure is needed for that frame to change.
Death is needed. Say. The bunny just dies, and nobody gives a fuck because everyone is dancing at the party next door. Actually the bunny’s leather made it into a carpet and a pair of shoes: the bunny’s life and suffering and complete existence have no value.
If the ego return is cut. If the hopeless stop getting the “solutions”. If you stop feeding the machine, the machine usually collapses. With death, with lack of return, with lack of answers – chances are the mind will just let go of the hopeless scenario, because it didnt work.
And you might see the bunny suddenly standing up, growing a leg, picking up his brains and going home. Yeah the same bunny who couldnt walk.
You´re likely to see it again, ran over by a different truck at a different street tomorrow, though.
V
In order to give the omega a proper treatment, the premise has to change. The omega cant be “hopeless” anymore. And in the process, the omega identification itself will die. With so much pain, ego and death involved, you´ll see all sort of defense mechanisms here, even if you’re sorting this kind of stuff in yourself.
It’s easier to look away than it is to change what “it feels like death” to change.
The solution, at the end, is to get behind of the pain / shame / wants / identification drive and turn off that projector. Turn off that movie.
And look at what is really there.
————
Edit: a reader corrected me on the meaning of “what makes for”, turns out it means “what constitutes” instead of “what can be done for” … oh well.
When the subject is emotional and threatening to a woman’s comfort, all the logic mechanics hurt her. It’s like, in her eyes, logic is an insidious snake-machine of pain that intends to force her where she doesnt want to go and reach her where she doesnt want to be touched. Like reasoning and plain logic are the ultimate form of manipulation. The fact that it’s done in a calm, structured way only makes it more threatening. It makes her visceral response stronger.
She’ll see the dissenting points as a personal attack and work until there’s nothing else but personal attacks on the plate. Once that point is reached, she hopes the tribe will come to rescue her and exterminate the foe.
This is only a real problem, though, when the woman with the issue is also in charge of the situation.
II
When an emotionally disturbed person is in charge of the situation, comply (obey), seduce (work the issue in non threatening, flattering emotional terms) or retreat (disengage) seem to be the only options. Consider this a screening test where their mind, agreement and involvement, or, in their views, “they themselves” are the prize.
When a calm / rational person is in charge of the situation, though, and the disturbed one randomly took offense and wants to engage, but cant take logic or reasoning, then there’s no need to chase this person down. They can retreat if the issue is too emotional for them, heal or whatever, then, eventually, they will come back and form bridges, because, well, the person in control is also the prize.
Let’s add male / female dynamics.
If the male is in charge / is the prize and a woman took random offense, and he doesnt chase her down nor tries to debate or force logic on her, but just keeps driving, that aloofness and lack of investment might be enough to reverse the emotional dynamics for her. And turn them in into attraction.
If she is in charge AND she’s taking random offense, a male working the issue “up” acts like a chase, and it only deepens whatever she felt disgusted about initially, while reinforcing the chase and the ladder where she’s actually the prize and the guy lacks any value – otherwise, why would he be so determined to put it in? cant he see she doesnt want it? – so it forms the opposite of attraction: repulsion.
And whenever you’re attempting “debate” with an unwilling party, you´re putting them in charge. The one chasing has less value than the one chased. Logical debate, in male / female dynamics, creates repulsion.
In short, this chase isnt worth it. Complying / seducing will destroy you. The scenario has already been rigged in win-lose fashion. Disengage.
III
Solvents and acids vs. the invasive structure.
The female’s response to unwanted male logic is to charge the debate with enough emotional content so logic ceases to work, so it’s structure crumbles to pieces, and then the whole thing can be absorbed, processed and digested. Think of what flies do with the food.
When you inject the female / male approaches in a debate, you’ll see the structures and the solvents. As long as the structures keep forming, new solvents and acids will be poured.
And forget about solving the real issues. It’s an unidirectional transfer of power. The fly is feeding.
IV
The transfer or power, which starts by holding down your weapons and taking in the other person’s position, wants and views, with the intention to mold an unified reality that considers all angles and reaches consensus, needs two entities that are open and willing to negotiate on hard, stressful, uncomfortable times.
Without two entities open to negotiate, debate means war.
Win-win seems to be more of a male skill. And we seem to do it to prevent war, and to create a collaborative, functional social machine. Rules, core, forces, agreements, like muscles and bones. And same for unified goals and objectives: lot’s of muscles, bones, rules, agreements, principles.
In comparison, women operate more like white cells or nerve terminations that create a collaborative sense of safety / danger awareness. When they perceive a threat, they go in alerted state / fight mode immediately, but one that involves more negative screaming and networking than it does karate moves. And same when they perceive something shiny / worthy / desirable. Lot’s of positive screaming and networking.
V
So. To sum this up, debate is possible when all the parties are open and willing. When male/female dynamics are involved, debate only makes sense when the male is in a position of power, but if he is, debate is unlikely because of that same dynamics.
As for the blogosphere, I decided to disengage whenever there’s a win/lose fight/alerted state. No more mud fights for me. Im avoiding all of it. Like UMSLO said, it’s good for my health.
As for my real life, Im in a position of power. As you should.
The reason you’re an easy prey is because whenever someone attempts a personal attack, you open up more, you try to reach a middle ground, you tell the agressor where it hurts, you try the empathy channel with someone who’s not showing signs of empathy.
Let’s call it the stockholm codependent approval seeking syndrome.
See. Sometimes when someone attacks you they have a reason: they have been hurt, or you may have done something wrong, etc, and dialogue is needed. However the intentions of the people attacking you are apparent very quickly.
At the first sign of peace, when you drop your weapon and go talk to them to see what is it all about… do they lower their weapons, or do they fire even more?
If you lower your weapon and open your heart – and then keep telling them how each and every one of the specific bullets they are firing you hurt you so much…
Trust me, they know. They know they are hurting you. And if they didnt know, they know now, since you narrated the last 50 bullets. The question for them is not if you’re hurt, but why you’re not dead already, why you keep coming back from the dead. “Sigh, yes I know I hit you in the head, I hit you right where it hurts, I know, it was intentional… so why exactly do you come back to life, again, you just want more right? take this bitch! you fucking zombie”
I know it’s hurting you but its quite comical.
It’s like watching the “fight” between a carrot and a horde of bunnies.
So, the thing is, there are several coping mechanism for stress. Some people are open to take a share of the blame and want to deal with the problems, some people just want to bounce the blame outside and make other people deal with the problem. We all have both systems, but some people are fixated in one.
You’ll see a lot of “bounce it back to you”, rethorics, shaming, and stuff when you touch something that crosses the emotional boundaries of other people. Then some of them will talk, negotiate, reach agreements, like what you attempted, and some other people will just “attack”. And like in war, you dont stop attacking when the enemy is hurt. When you know your attack is working, you increase it.
You dont stop attacking cancer when it starts responding to the chemo. Cool? so dont expect them to care about the pain they are inflicting, when they are transferring their own pain to you.
And last.
Shaming is emotional manipulation. Adhominen, some specific strawmans, deflections, etc, denial, crazy making… I can make a huge list but it’s always the same. Reframing situations and discourses to charge them with emotional content that might hurt you, as an attempt to gain control over you, or to put you in a chain of command that robs you of your own authority, autonomy, self esteem, etc. so they can salvage themselves at your expense.
Guys do that (AMOG), girls do that, kids do that, and people in general do that when they want to WIN on an emotional / social level and they give a fuck about others.
And, emotional manipulation is done by manipulators. Simple right? Not necessarily that they are manipulators all the time, but they are while they attempt it. So why are you talking to manipulators like they are normal people? the proper response for manipulation is not to engage.
If you find that the only way to talk to some people is to engage in their manipulation, it’s not worth it. Send them back home, walk out.
If the conversation is lost, if the relationship is lost, dont worry, there wasnt one to begin with.
Say that again?: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”, “we dont need men”, “we only need men because the work they do on society”, “we only need the sperm”, “women can live without men” etc.
So, somehow men is the single thing women collectively worry about the most, think about the most, want the most, seem to need the most, but they can live without men?
Well, no, women can’t live without men. This view that women only need men because of the work they do on society / measuring the value of men because of the work / pleasure / value they do for women is bullshit of the highest caliber.
First, change “men” with “we dont need blacks, yellows, we dont need women, we dont need catholics, we dont need white people, we dont need the poor” and see what happens.
Second, if you dont see inner value in men as human beings, you dont deserve a man, nor deserve any of the fruits of the men´s hard work either.
Third, shut the fuck up.
Sex differentiation makes us complimentary. Men and women need each other and any of the sexes without the other would fuck up, become an unhealthy / imbalanced, and the species would die after a generation. Even if we could survive on artificial clonation (no women needed either) we would collapse: all of our instincts and mechanisms are prepared and differentiated for a system where each of the sexes have to exist – we need each other´s energy and interaction – we need the other so we can be ourselves, we cant strive or survive in isolation.
So shut up and go get a man. You know you need one.
WHY does there need to be one voice that rises above the pack? Who cares? Why do you want to be that voice? What difference does it make? Why do you NEED others to acknowledge you as the voice that rises above? You see, any which way you spin it, no matter how hard you deny it and engage in cognitive dissonance, you are seeking a reaction from others. You WANT them to acknowledge your power and dominance. You WANT them to do something. If you did not, you would not *tell them what to do*. You would just laugh and be indifferent if they did what you wanted or not.
This sounds like preaching aloofness. As in, “wanting specific responses from people is bad” or something. Well. Expecting reactions from people is good.
There are times when you´ll be on a pack. There are times when you will develop relationships. You´ll team up. You´ll get a job, form a band, become regular friends with people, become somebody else´s father, son, etc. You get it. Human relationships. In short, you will want stuff from them, and they will want stuff from you. There will be boundaries to be negotiated, promises and debts to be kept. There will be stuff you care about, stuff that hurts you, stuff that you want, and stuff you dont. Whenever you insert the spectrum of desires, aims, wishes, pains, strings, etc humanity, you insert power dynamics. This is unavoidable.
Aloofness is great to avoid power dynamics – and avoid relationships too. But since aloofness doesnt get involved in the power dynamics, it cant win them either: it cant give you what you want. What do you want?
Aloof: Oh Im looking for a job, right now just browsing different companies, but this one looks nice!
Dominant: I love this company. I want to work here.
Who would you follow?
Aloof: The feminazis are coming… I´ll go check with the binoculars, if anyone wants to come with me, cool.
Dominant: We have to attack, but first, we need to secure the base. Smith, put the bombs. James, load the weapons. The rest, come with me and lets blow their fucking bunker.
Who would you pay?
Aloof: That money you owe me… its all chill bro.
Dominant: Well, I do need you to pay me, today. I´ll drop by your house at 5pm.
Who would you work all night for?
Aloof: Well its getting late, see what you can get done….
Dominant: No, the deadline was yesterday. I need this done TONIGHT. And it has to be perfect. Can you make sure we nail it? Perfect, please. I´ll be here. Keep me posted.
* * *
How many times you have heard women say they want a man who knows what he wants?
Can you be aloof about what you want? How effective is that?
So.
Aloofness is great, in the sense its a huge step forward from neediness. Aloofness is in the realm of Alpha. In the realm of abundance. In the realm of -I dont really give a fuck, I have what I need, Im just here to have a good time.- Etc. A beta cant be aloof, because beta is too busy trying to measure up to whats expected from them. Where the beta is nervous, the aloof is self amused. When someone is relaxed and truly doesnt give a fuck, they can be more honest, real, genuine, their self comes across better, and with higher value. Someone who doesnt give a fuck and doesnt really want anything from you, is someone who also wont stab you, chase you, stalk you, hurt you… its someone you can trust.
But then Dominance is a man where Aloofness is a child.
Aloofness works for all the stuff you dont give shit about. If you dont care, if you are not to get involved, if this is not worth a fight / worth of your attention, if its beneath of you, etc… then chill out, let it be, relax, enjoy yourself, dont register it.
But how about the stuff you do care about?
Without dominance, some other voice will take the lead, and things will get settled according to somebody else´s priorities, somebody else´s boundaries, somebody else´s frame. Sometimes the externally decided settlement will be good for you, most of the time though, unless someone is doing this for you, it wont. If the person taking the lead is your rival, or has opposite interests, you´ll get fucked.
Why leave this to chance?
Dominance is not the goal. Dominance is not the objective. Its not “be always dominant, dont leave anything to chance, take the lead at all costs”. Dominance is not the objective.
The objective is what you want. Your goals. The way you want stuff to be. Your vision. You realization. What makes you happy. What is it?
Then dominance is the medium to make it happen.
Dominance is the language.
Back to GH:
Why does there need to be one voice that rises above the pack?
Stronger trumps weaker. Dominant trumps submissive. The more demanding one trumps the less demanding one. Stronger frame conquers weaker frame. Put several flavors together, and you´ll see the stronger flavor masking the weaker flavors. Mix several colors and you´ll see the same. Dilute one big idea into a weak story and you get a lame story. When put in a pack, people / animals actively measure against each other, and form hierarchies, where the leads decide for the group and the group follows and is content, as long as the leadership is good. Whatever you mix, something will shine, and something will blend.
This is just how stuff works.
Your job is to understand how stuff works, and use that to be best of your ability, in order to survive, and to fully realize yourself while you are at it.
Do you want to shine, or do you want to blend? Its your call. But you better know what you´re doing.
So, PUA has defined Alpha as “what attracts women”. Good. Alpha does attract women. You can break down every action and every detail and make a comprehensive list about Alpha, and then you can go and emulate it piece by piece and get similar, if not same results. Good? not arguing about that.
What Im saying is this:
Defining Alpha purely from a point of view of its results and effects, is putting it harder for yourself to reach the Alpha state.
What Alpha state? well, a state or a being or whatever is out of your current handle of things, consider this:
Mind has frames. What is a frame? a logical space where you operate. An identity. A narrative that tells your story. A mood. What you consider the boundaries of your reality. Your ego. Your beliefs and projections. Your fears. A set of premises. The foundation of yourself. Your limits. Cool? so, whatever you are, your current “frame” distorts whatever you perceive, and distorts whatever you act on, and pampers it with your frame. The hows and whys are subject for another debate.
Lets just agree for now on that the mind has frames / states.
What Im saying is that Alpha, Beta, Omega and anything in between are frames.
You project your frame out there, and the world returns you the same you´re projecting. Cause and effect. Most of the time, you are the cause. In whatever case, the stronger frame dominates and conquers the weaker frame. When reality sets its frame on you, you´re its bitch. When your frame dominates reality, reality is your bitch.
Alpha > Beta > Omega. If you put these frames to fight each other, the more dominant wins, right? So Alpha projects its dominance over the other frames, and the other frames go into reactive mode, reacting to Alpha´s proposition, and concede Alpha its power. And so on.
So. What is the problem of defining Alpha as “what attracts women”? that, duh, attracting women is like 50% of the deal.
But moreso, if you start recopilating and emulating what Alpha does, with your current (beta or whatever frame), you´re just a beta doing tricks. And. IT WILL SHOW. Chances are you will just be jumping through hoops you set for yourself, and then whipping your own ass when you fail, and pumping your self esteem when you succeed. In other words, you will be punishing and rewarding yourself.
Guess who punishes and rewards himself? not Alpha. Who tries so hard? not Alpha.
Is self punishing and self rewarding attractive? nope! trying hard attractive? nope!
So whats attractive? Loving yourself unconditionally. Being bold and assertive and getting your shit done. While being comfortable in your own skin.
Who does that? eh. Only Alpha can. And its a deluded thing for sure. It is also attractive as hell.
Can you break that down, being your own thing, doing your own thing, the whole Alpha archetype, the whole book, while at the same time expressing totally what you are, without masks or tricks, being REAL… by just doing some techniques, and because you want the results from a different frame than the frame you have? Nope.
Long story short, you can do some and get some, but there wont be enough energy to sustain it.
You cant do the whole thing. Your energy will run out. The building will be too expensive to maintain. When you get to the point most of the stuff you do is off-frame, when you start getting the results of the frame you are emulating… you´ll realize the law of diminishing returns has already hit. The stuff you get… you paid so much already, and it doesnt even start to fill the gap you´re creating on yourself by being off-frame. You wanted love, sex, admiration, dominance, whatever? you might get a tiny bit of it, but in contrast of what you are paying for it, its a fucking broken deal. Soul sucking experience. The Alpha is getting it EASY, got it? All the results are GIVEN to him. All the wonders he gets are a NATURAL CONSEQUENCE OF HE BEING THERE. How unfair! the asshole doesnt even try! His frame just wins! The world is his! How can you fake the world is yours? is that a technique?
So whats the solution?
First to the problem, again:
Defining alpha by its effects is counterproductive to getting there: because the one who wants to get there, the current (beta) frame, is the one who has to be sacrificed.
A curve:
Defining success by the money only makes you want the money more, and makes you forget about all the mechanics that are needed to achieve success. And, you only want all that money because you are poor. And you want the validation from the money. Because you are poor. So you ARE poor, right? Thats your identity and your frame. Thats why you CARE about money. Do rich people care about money as much as you? you probably care a lot more. Your frame probably doesnt even understand what is “being” rich, because its too busy worrying about “not having money”.
And the point is that without understanding what is to be successful, all the stuff that has to happen, the frame where it operates, etc, including the hard hard work… without understanding all of that, whats the point? you want money. Because you are poor. And always will be. Unless the poor in you dies. Unless your identity is gone.
So. The Alpha frame.
Alpha is at the top of the social chain. Alpha has abundance of everything. But Alpha is also responsible for everything, starting from himself. Alpha doesnt need anyone. But people look up to Alpha and deposit their attention on him. Alpha is the first to eat until he is satiated, and also the first to stand alert when enemies come. Alpha sets the rules. But Alpha is also responsible when things go bad. People will always, always, always, be testing Alpha to see if he is the real deal. But Alpha doesnt really care. Alpha is Alpha. Alpha is the master. When you challenge Alpha, he looks down at you like you are a child. Alpha is rich to the bone. If everything fails, at least you still have him and if he dies, its like your whole country has died. Alpha is the rule for every other man to follow. Alpha is a brute force, a brute arrow, that doesnt even try, that doesnt even work hard, because reality is his frame to bend and his bitch, and reality likes being his bitch, because he is Alpha to the core, and whats left for him is just to do his thing, amuse and enjoy himself and reach his own personal goals, which happen to transform everyone down the ladder, be himself, and rule the fucking world like it was designed to spin around him.
And every behavior that exudes from this abundance, confidence, detachment, grandiosity, bold projection, self delusion, is extremely attractive to women.
Even the negative aspects of it.
But women are also attracted to other things, example, not Alpha men. Women like drama and the only drama Alpha can generate, is to not reprocicate affection because he is busy with his abundance. Women like security and safety, and a lot of the time Alpha is not available or not around, because he is busy with his own life. So, women have room for other frames. Women are extremely attracted to Alphas, but women are not Alphas and cannot live in the frame (women´s base frame is about attachments). The Beta frame is closer to women´s, and women can relate better to it, and are attracted to it, just not as much.
So what´s the problem with defining Alpha by its effects? The problem is that you are looking indirectly and wanting, envying, the effects of the frame instead of wanting the frame directly. Like wanting the shadow of the thing instead of the thing.
But the Alpha frame doesnt care about what its effects are. The Alpha shadow is enormous but thats not what Alpha cares about. Alpha is just content with being a God and getting his way.
So from the moment one, the moment you want to be like a God so you can have power, you are wanting that because you feel powerless. And since you feel powerless, you cant feel like a God, you cant incarnate the frame, so you cant get the results, and anything you do and get will fall short and be incomplete.
But whatever. Im repeating myself.
Defining the frame by its external effects is misguiding to get there. If you want to get there, better understand what the frame is.
There are traits, behaviors, that are Alpha. The more traits and behaviors you have in yourself for good, the closer the frame is. The more you act and respond from an Alpha frame, the closer it gets. The trick, put it simply, is to drop whatever you are now. Including all your dreams and aspirations, the whole frame. A total self death. Put that down. Then create a new frame, the best Alpha frame you can and start living again from it. And you will have to repeat that fenix´s burn-and-raise dance quite a few times.
So. “Becoming” the frame rather than “procuring to obtain the results from a frame different than your own”. Become step by step. Understand your limits, fears, aspirations, crush all of that, then gain step by step, one trait at a time.
Detachment? check. Burn your house if you have to.
Sexual boldness? check. Go sex clubs if you have to.
Free spirit? check. Travel for a year or two.
Confidence? check. Get experience. Do everything enough times until its done.
Love your life? check. Quit your job if you have to.
Risk taker? check. Do really risky stuff. Until you love it.
Abundance frame? check.
Check check check. x1000.
Etc. Game as a lot of great transcriptions and stuff of verbal game and stuff. Tricks. All of that is useful. If you use that as a roadmap. Like. OK do I have problems doing this? what is the problem? then crush the problem. Until you are totally fine doing what you are doing, like its your first nature.
What is the difference between what Im saying and just honing “skills”? that Im talking about frame and identity. Im saying, transform yourself. Rather than increase yourself with skills. Im saying, smash your frame and grab the Alpha frame. Rather than “improve your masks so you can get the results from the pros”
Any body trainer knows what Im talking about, I guess.
The emphasis of guys on “getting abs”, when they should really care about whole body training, diet etc. “Oh but I dont want to do diet and train four times a week, I just want the abs”. Yeah, good luck with that.
So, if you grab the Alpha frame and move towards it, doing the skillset (Game, approaching, dominance, teasing, frame control, self amusement, etc), that stuff increases your energy rather than decreasing your energy – because what you are doing clicks with your frame and is synced to your reality.
I remember when I was learning this stuff. I was supposed to feel abundance frame and be cocky and confident… but every day reality told me otherwise. I didnt like my job nor my social circle and had a lot of external stuff putting me down. Feeling cocky was a struggle. So, I quit my job, and positioned myself where I could love my life: oh good. Now I dont have to FAKE this part. I can take something else in. Next trait please.
The easiest way to get the results of Alpha is being it. Not just “doing it” or worse “faking it”. The easiest way to get the Alpha effects is to be Alpha. Do you want everyone look at you like you are the ultimate shit? be the ultimate shit. What is the ultimate shit in your own mind? become that. Want every girl around to to be so so so so fucking attracted to you they talk about you in their sleep? then be fucking attractive. Be it.
But the effects are that. Effects.
You can measure Alpha by its effects. Feedback and measuring and seeing how the world responds to you and achieving, its all part of the road. But, again, defining Alpha by its effects only, is counterproductive if you want to get there, as it would be counterproductive to define that “acting” is “what makes the public applause”. By focusing on the effects only, your goals will be pampered by your current frame, and the stuff you will do will get you somewhere else.
The guy in that video is Alpha. And he is not doing what he is doing because he wants effects (or he would be reactive, which he isnt), but the effects are there because of who he is. If you try to get to where the guy is, by caring about the effects, you´ll get somewhere else, somewhere between fake and wannabe and tryhard. Maybe. And if you attract someone, they will also be fake wannabe and tryhards, and as off-frame as you are. Maybe. Maybe.
My name is Yohami.
Im a Singer/Songwriter.
Im on my way to have fun. 
