The baby “thinks” mom wants to hurt him.
Joseph Burgo posted an interesting article about projection at his afterpsychotherapy blog. Go check it out. This is the key paragraph for me:
I call the phenomenon I want to describe a “law” because it seems to be a fundamental principle of human mental functioning, an in-built assumption that if I am feeling bad, then someone or something is causing me to feel that way. In other words, we attribute a cause-and-effect relationship between the way we are feeling and the actions of people around us. Sometimes this attribution may be accurate — Your continual criticisms are causing me to feel terrible — but on other occasions, it may be false: The way you chew your food is driving me crazy! In the latter case, I am probably feeling irritable, tired and grouchy; rather than recognizing that I feel the way I do because I didn’t get enough sleep last night or because work today was highly stressly, I falsely account for those feelings by attributing them to you and your irksome way of chewing.
I´ll bring it up a notch.
In emotionally underdeveloped people, which happen to be the most of us, when the feelings of pain arise, other people / situations are not just framed as the source, they are framed as causing those feelings on purpose.
Not just, how do you dare to be the source of my pain, but, how do you dare to do this to me intentionally.
And this is the craddle for a bunch of other sub frames, because if YOU are making ME feel this way on purpose, you’re an aggressor, Im the victim, this is unfair, I have done nothing to cause this, you’re evil, why are you hurting me so much? God – why do you permit this? you must disappear, I will have to kill / squeeze / punish you, etc to make things even. So the frame fights back. Depending on the disorder it would go for a full frontal confrontation, or a passive aggressive one, a dramatic opera one, a slow burn revenge, a soft talk, etc on top of that mis-frame.
You would see this person, the person feeling hurt, react out of “nowhere”, switch, change, act out, fully convinced that something is going on, and that you know what’s going on. Playing an old game. One so primary you cant talk them out of.
Im sure it rings a bell?
So. I’ve thought long about this subject in the past and wrote a few times about it, as you can see in my posts fear and the snake, feminist debate style, and my story with HUS. I first saw the behavior in my mom and some female members of my family, accusing me and other kids of doing evil stuff on purpose – which led me to develop a counter game where I would stick around for hours trying to rectify the misunderstanding (you can bet in subsequent years I’ve found girls who would replay that game with me… fun times, let’s not repeat that anytime soon). So my counter game was a codependent one, and depending on many factors I could have gone borderline-personality, full fledged narcissist, doormat, or even mirror the game: how you dare mom, you’re making me feel horrible on purpose! you’re not the victim, I AM the victim! let’s see who bends first.
Which sounds like a lesbian fight, doesn’t it.
I’ve seen the behavior everywhere, mostly in women and gay guys, probably because men are not supposed to be this emotional, but, for sure, we’re able to feel it, all the unfairness and conflating accusatory shit (hint, MRA), and for a while, before I learned to check for this stuff in myself thanks to therawness and gettinbetter, I thought this to be a natural part of the feminine psyche – heck, all girls are like that, deal with it! – but this isnt worth dealing with. This is not part of the feminine psyche but just plain, simple, down to earth stupidity. And luckily not everyone is like that, and the less we let it pass, the less we groom it, the better.
It is, however, an integral part of feminism - where everything bad that happens to women not just happens but is done to them, on purpose, and men are to pay. It’s also part of the marxism where poor people exist only thanks to the rich evil motherfuckers. Im sure it’s part of many other *isms. Ideologies are built by people. Most people are sick in some way and build their biases and patterns into their ideologies. Then other people identify themselves with the patterns and take on the ideology. And it’s a whole sicko party.
So. Back to the point.
There’s no roadmap for becoming healthy in occident but we must build one and this is key.
To be emotionally healthy you must, among other things, be able to separate your own feelings from the source, and to separate the source from the intentions / mechanics of the source.
You need to identify the three parts. Feelings, source, and intentions, and to respond to each one with the right measure.
And this doesnt constrain to the negative side of emotions only. If you dont separate all three things, when good shit happens you conflate them and “think” you deserve / it was meant to be / put up on a pedestal / perfection / you idealize. And when bad shit happens you push down / victim & aggressor / fight back / you degrade.
When you’re emotionally stupid you go from pleasure to pain exchanging frames of idealization and degrading.
Rings a bell?
So own your own shit.