22 Jun 2012, Posted by yohami in game,personal, 22 Comments.
Approach Anxiety = Inferiority Complex + Shame.
So most men have trouble talking to and taking initative with women. Why? because:
A) Men are trained to put women on a pedestal. So it doesnt matter if the guy went to war and returned and built an empire and then cured cancer: when he talks to a woman, he still feels he’s talking to his superior. He has to impress a judge.
B) Men are trained to be ashamed of their sexual desires. So talking / taking initiative with women is a troubling situation: expressing interest while hiding what you really want, being aroused while hiding your cock. Awkward.
So there you go. Approach anxiety = inferiority complex + shame.
To solve this, destroy the pedestal, go up in the social ladder, embrace yourself and your desires fully, and you’re golden. You’re welcome.
And yes, women like men who dont put them on a pedestal, men who’re confident / know what they want / are not ashamed of themselves.
And no, dont pay too much attention to the girl on the video since she’s talking from the pedestal (the issue is not about how you feel about the approach, honey, that’s not what triggers the anxiety). Though if you mentally replace her saying “approaching us” with “showing us your cock”, it makes for a fun watch.
* * *
It’s interesting that in comparison, women are trained that they should be put on a pedestal, and to take care of their “apparent” sexual desire, to look more slutty or more chaste… Or, I dont think I have heard a “woman, you should be ashamed of your sexual desires”.
Acting on those, or looking like she acted on those, yes. But the desires themselves? hum.
Why do you think that is?
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22 Comments
June 22, 2012 9:13 pm
M3 @Twitter Name
This is truth. It’s the final piece of the pill left to swallow. I have to stop thinking of being judged and just let it go. If they judge and walk away, in my mind it’s always their loss.
And you’re right about the sexual double standard. Women are taught to be empowered and explore all that there is about being a sexual human being. Men are just pigs who think with their dicks. Women are encouraged to whore around and enjoy casual sex, lest they be oppressed by men who are afraid of women’s sexuality. Men need to ‘keep it in their pants’.
I make no apologies for making it known i want sex in the bargain. It’s what they want too.. only on their terms.
June 22, 2012 11:26 pm
PermanentGuest @Twitter Name
You’ve definitely pinpointed the problem. Most people only look at these issues in isolation.
By the way, the above video is an example of EFT tapping. A good method for calming one’s anxiety by way of undoing your body’s natural reaction to these situations.
June 22, 2012 11:31 pm
yohami
So that thing works and I shouldnt make fun of him?
June 23 2012 00:51 am
PermanentGuest @Twitter Name
Haha yeah. It's a mixture between acupuncture technique and neuro-linguistic programming. It's been effective in overcoming irrational fears and other issues that result from an energy imbalance in the meridian points of the body.
I'd send you the packet from the guy who discovered it, but it doesn't seem to be working anymore.
"since she’s talking from the pedestal"
Spot-on criticism. I've seen a couple of her videos before (this one included), and I've always had the feeling that something was off about her teaching.
June 22, 2012 11:54 pm
yohami
PG, changed the video, just in case Im bashing something useful.
June 23, 2012 6:07 am
The light at the end of the tunnel. Reproductive equality. « M3
[...] Yohami writes an absolutely wonderful evisceration of this kind of thinking here with regards to app…. “Men are trained to be ashamed of their sexual desires.” [...]
June 24, 2012 4:51 am
Leap of a Beta @Twitter Name
Great stuff. Right now I’ve gotten over much of my anxiety for approaching solo or pairs of women. Occasionally up to three. More than that an I still have issues, mostly because I suck at capturing the attention of a group to avoid a cockblock and work the social dynamics.
I will say. In the video the womans face creeps me out every time she goes bugged eyed.
June 24, 2012 2:04 pm
Steve @@AuthenticSeduct
I agree with most of this post..I think this part is a key epiphany, and highlights where a lot of guys go wrong:
“expressing interest while hiding what you really want, being aroused while hiding your cock. Awkward.”..
My take on it is..Fuck all that! What works for me is being unashamed, unapologetic and bold about my desires. Being unafraid of the Vagina. It amazes me how many men seem are afraid of their desires, when they interact with a girl they deliberately tone it down, when in actual fact they need to dial it up and project some sexuality. Put their focus on the girl , clear their mind of mental fug, get horny thinking about fucking her,and remember why they approached in the first place!
June 24, 2012 3:34 pm
krauser
Fucking hell, I couldn’t stomach even ten seconds of listening to her.
June 25, 2012 5:01 pm
alightreading @Twitter Name
Nailed it. Everyone suffering from AA or hiding intent in general should read this.
June 27, 2012 5:50 pm
Black Man Red Pill @Twitter Name
“To solve this, destroy the pedestal, go up in the social ladder, embrace yourself and your desires fully, and you’re golden. You’re welcome.” – Yohami
This +1000
June 28, 2012 7:37 pm
Comment_Whatever
It’s kind of important to understand that reality is real.
Nuclear rejection should be irrelevant to the man’s feelings about himself. In a perfect world.
BUT, you can bet that it isn’t irrelevant to the other women around. It is a very high DLV. Very high.
Really, normal men should simply WATCH women, read about basic body language, and if the Bitch is to much of a cunt to give out good “I like you” signals, just don’t go for it.
A woman really wants a guy, she’ll make it happen if you aren’t blind, deaf, and dumb. Of course, if you are blind, deaf, and dumb then we do have a problem. See “watching women”.
June 28, 2012 7:43 pm
Comment_Whatever
I seem to have SOMEWHAT misunderstood what was being said.
However, approach anxiety is related to the fact that most guys take approaches AS going for it.
You are NOT going for it. You are talking to her and deciding if you want to go for it based on:
1.Is she giving out IOI.
2.Is she even worth it?
Approaching is just talking. You are not required to ask for a number.
June 28 2012 22:42 pm
yohami
I liked this. Yes, approaching is just talking. "Is she even worth it" is ok
http://yohami.com/blog/2012/03/31/reader-mail-how-should-i-respond-to-a-girl-staring-directly-into-my-eyes/
June 29, 2012 2:52 am
Randy @Twitter Name
I agree AA can come from shame. A lot of men (even women) these days suffer from sexual shame. I recently read this article http://postmasculine.com/sexual-shame and it kind of broke it down. More from the male perspective but a little from the female perspective.
I don’t know if we are all “trained” but certainly some of us have had life experience that puts this shame into us. I haven’t personally been trained to put women up on a pedestal or anything like that. I hear a lot of guys saying that though… I guess everyone is different though.
June 29 2012 03:12 am
yohami
Randy, where are you from? this varies from culture to culture.
July 2, 2012 11:11 am
Introsphere roundup: June 13 – June 30 | The Second Estate
[...] Approach Anxiety = Inferiority Complex + Shame. [...]
November 15, 2012 11:53 pm
Name @dave
Still say that men need to stop making the approaches and make women do it. Who gave women such an advantage? A man cannot believe that HE is the prize?
November 16 2012 00:01 am
yohami
"Who gave women such an advantage?"
Nature. In almost every other species the male does the approaching. Also check the ovule and the sperm. Masculine = active intent / Feminine = passive filtering.
"A man cannot believe that HE is the prize?"
Men are the prize after they have earned enough accolades. The approach has been done and passed before he talks to the girl. Check masculine celebrities and how girls respond. They dont need to approach, they just need to be there, and in some cases not even that.
December 26, 2012 10:35 pm
dave @Twitter Name
Mr. Yohami – The numbers show that men are approaching women a lot less these days.I guess that more and more guys
are celebrities now … and maybe they ARE the prize for not approaching? I hope so.
December 28, 2012 12:58 pm
Matt @Twitter Name
Bunch of mental masturbation.
The way to defeat social anxiety is to be social. The way to defeat approach anxiety is to approach.
be around people
randomly grin
randomly laugh
randomly click fingers as a tune
randomly run
randomly sing
randomly dance/swagwalk a little bit
make eye contact
make eye contact and smile
say hey
ask for the time
ask for the time, directions and compliment them
ask for the time, directions, compliment and shake their hand ask for the time, directions, compliment, shake their hand and ask what they’re up to
ask for the time, directions to a porn store
straight up just approach, tell them they’re cute, shake their hand and ask for their number
straight up just approach, tell them they’re cute, shake their hand, hold their hand, ask for their number
Whatever stage you’re at, practice, practice, fucking practice, then use courage and momentum to hit the next stage.
No one overcame the “pedestal” in their fucking head.
December 28 2012 17:04 pm
yohami
Agree on principle. The way to defeat anxiety is to practice / act.
However as long as you think you're approaching "god" and you're ashamed of your desires, there's gonna be anxiety no matter how much practice. If the shit is ingrained in you, practice makes things worse.
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