25 May 2012, Posted by yohami in conversations,personal,relationships, 15 Comments.
Ted D’s story continues, from the comments:
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I am indeed working on being more attractive and getting my needs met first and foremost, I am also going to try something else that I hope will improve things greatly.
I’m going to do my best to teach my SO about herself.
I honestly don’t see how this can work if my mate remains completely clueless. Athol’s wife of course is fully on board with his efforts.
I can’t see this working long term if she remains completely clueless about all this.
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Unless she’s asking you to teach her about herself, this won’t work.
1) If you care about her change more than she does, you become codependent, if you’re not already (chances are you are)
2) By finding the solution on the awareness of other people, by focusing on the external, you transfer your own blame and inadecuate feelings and painful emotions into other people. On the long run, you’ll make everything worse.
3) She may be a kid, but she’s not your kid. Even when we usually refer to women as children, what it really means is that you must strive to become an adult in your relationship.
A) Even if she was your kid and you wanted her to change, “explaining her herself” doesnt do anything. Kids don’t need explanations, they need rules and consistency and an intelligence stronger than their own they can trust. They will be able to process explanations, in case they ever want them, once they are curious about how things WORK. For that, they have to see that stuff WORKS first. They need to experience the rule before they can rationalize the explanation.
B) Women are more emotional than men. You have to handle her with emotional intelligence, not rational intelligence. If she’s in a middle of an emotional turmoil and you attempt the logic-explanation path, she’ll get angrier because you don’t understand her and you’re trying to manipulate her rational mind into changing her emotions, when you should be paying attention to her emotions. And what does paying attention to her emotions mean? not necessarily that you surrender to them. But you have to treat them as real, when they are, and spank her / reprehend her when she’s just being silly.
4) You’ve been in a relationship with her for a while. You know this woman. What is exactly what you’re going to explain her about herself that she doesnt know already? and, how well has she taken “explanations” about herself that are not pleasant, codename: criticism?. How does she handle being confronted with rational explanations she doesnt want to hear, or facets of herself that have negative connotations?
5) With stuff like “Athol’s wife supports his efforts” and comparisons to other couples, you’re only saying that your SO doesnt support your efforts, that you’re envy of other couples, you’re bringing jealousy and pityness into your situation. By saying “I don’t know if we cant last, I can’t see this working long term unless she…” you’re setting an ultimatum. You whiny bitch.
You want her to change so you can change and want her to understand and grow sou you can grow, or else. How old are you? You’re supposed to kick her out of your life if she doesnt qualify. You’re not supposed to bring her in and build ties and then ask HER to change. If you’re already in a relationship and you found that you have to change, tell her that YOU are changing, and change. If she wants to stay with you, she’ll follow.
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Dude. When your kids do something improper. Do you sit them them down and explain them the history of mankind and all the context and variables and why what they did upset you so much so they can take in consideration your feelings and their own and all humanity and society and the rules, so they can make their own choice?
Or do you tell them: “Don’t do THAT”, firmly, let them get the message, then let them go?
Guess which kid is going to be happier?
You’re supposed to be the adult. The MAN in the relationship. That means it’s your job to digest reality and expose yourself to all the danger and complexities of the world, deal with it, find solutions for it, digest it, and make it SIMPLE. Make it WORK.
This means you’re not supposed to explain other people in your circuit. You’re not supposed to be a non-playing supportive agent that keeps giving advice and explanations to the person in charge. You’re the one expected to be in charge. You’re supposed to lead. You’re supposed to be only listening to the feedback other people do on YOUR leadership. Not listening so you follow them, but listening so you know how to lead better. This is not a game where you explain and teach but where they ultimately decide what to do.
You’re supposed to tell them what to do, and if needed, how. “Why” only if they ask you directly, but the “why” is not so they agree with you. They should agree with you because you’re a proven decision maker, and because they trust you, and because it’s implicit. Because you’re the adult, and they chose you. And you’re good for them. You make it easier, you make it simple, you make it work.
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So. You found your scapegoat and decided that you’re going to teach her herself.
First examine why, exactly, you need so badly that she realizes who she is and what she’s doing to you. And why you need to verbalize and she to accept your verbalization and to change, to please you, based on your understanding of how the world works instead of her own viewpoints. Why on the face of the uncomfortable, you need HER to change HER mind in order for YOU to have what YOU want.
Why do you need to do all that manipulative process, instead of, say, being the person and acting in the way the end result is for granted, quitting the approval seeking and approval dependance, and the clinginess and neediness – and becoming an adult and lead by example, sans-explanations.
You’re placing her as a stepping stone to your own change.
It won’t work.
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Last note. Instead of teaching her herself, teach her YOU. She’ll learn about herself in the process. At her own pace.
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