I wrote this at Rivelino’s
Bro, Im still digesting this stuff, but here’s the succint that explains where all of your problems come from: watch the video.
There are four pieces in play. Two people, one needing, other giving, one owning the frame, other reacting to the frame, one needing the other for survival, and an ambivalence that goes between “hey Im cute look at me!” and “fuck Im furious look at me”, and then the range of hate / love / sadness / despair / joy / safeness that happens between the two.
That circuit gets printed before we learn to talk = before we are able to form abstract and concepts. It’s a basic four piece, emotional / behavioral circuit.
There are many ways that circuit can be imprinted “wrong”. One is to have the mom (or dads) on the receiving end, making the kid the giver. Other is having him owning the frame. Other is to have the mom (or dads) respond only when the kid acts out. Other is making the kid act out and then silence him / punish him for it. Etc. Shortly, the kid understands the game and starts to play it.
And then you build everything on top.
Your experiences from ages 12-21, of course helped forming you, because you’re 35 now and this is a sum accumulative game. But honestly, what happened to you from 12-21, are the same mechanics that were already happening, only adding more external world influence, sex drive, and additional pressures.
Im trying to locate the source of the pain, and is this: like a compass or a geometrical piece that wants to find equilibrium, the pain wants to find the “good” again (from the good the bad and the ugly), but it only knows to reach that “good” by balancing violently between the bad and the ugly and episodes of rage and if that doesnt work, splitting / self mutilation ( cutting out the undesired parts of you, your past, identity, emotions, people, relationships, blocking stuff out, etc)
It’s a constant look out for the elusive “good” part of the dynamic.
Then BPD and narcissim, codependency etc: when this stuff get’s bad imprinted, it’s like the foundation of the building isnt strong enough, so the building cant grow normal. Like a bonsai or something. The learned game doesnt “work” so it keeps trying, its an internal struggle that never resolves. Like the rat that pushes the lever once and again and gets rewards randomly ( the basis of compulsive behavior / addiction ). Plus the whole identity gets build on top of it.
BPD narcissim etc equals having the emotional growth of a three year old or so. You get stuck to the mechanics that quite dont work ( yet are the only you know ) and miss the mechanics that you would have developed in the subsequent years.
Say, if you knew how to get to the good part, and how to get to the bad and ugly part on your own, with control over your emotions, by the time sexuality peaked, age 12, you would have had natural “game”, and you would have been assertive about your needs and wants.
But you werent confident / self reassured about your needs and wants, because you were still negotiating how to even feel “good” and safe, so you didnt develop game nor saw girls / relationships for what they were – but you just added this to the previous unresolved mix, like, seeking the “good” (basic, maternal, paternal love where you’re defenseless and you’re intimally loved and taken care of and safe) from girls, mixing the defenseless and the sexual aggressive drive and the long time affection longing and the sense of dispair of never feeling safe, etc. and, adding the ugly and acting out and resenting the “big provider” for being such a manipulator, and whatever other mechanisms you needed to stabilize the original game, being a control freak, or being a doormat, or placing your needs last, or placing them first, exercising too much pressure (abusing), or letting yourself be abused, attaching too strongly, or refusing to attach at all, the places you had to go or the places you were forbidden to go, or whatever, whatever you had to learn and repeat so you could have access to the good part, or could live at all if the good part never came.
And then add years and years of rationalization that attempted to normalize this so you could do other stuff, have friends, work, study, have a life.
The idea seems to be that people are stuck on an emotional development age. It explains a hell of a lot for me.
Then of course, when you “click” with somebody, it’s your internal game, the primal game what clicks. You see the opportunity to play the game and win it this time. Whatever that game is, whatever the imprint is, “that” is what is going to repeat. You’re going to repeat what already happened, because you’re still playing that game, and you’re asking around who wants to play it with you.