If you’re broken you can’t be happy.
Fill a broken cup and it’s gonna be drained before you even get to taste it, even though you paid its full price. Pay for a refill and that one, again, is going to be emptied before it touches your lips.
As long as you’re broken, no matter what you do, what you achieve, how much work you put into; you’ll be paying the full price and successive refills, once and again, to get only a fraction.
The temptation is to keep working on avoiding the pain, filling the void, reaching a spot of stability on turbulent waters, reaching a new peak of glory, finding salvation, holding to something that makes you make sense… while running away from the darkness, running away from the pain, from the unwanted, from the hurt.
The temptation is to find comfort in pleasure while in you’re in pain, or, to heal the void by filling the void.
But attempting to heal the void while filling the void won’t let you do either.
Healing your void involves feeling the pain to it’s root. Filling your void involves avoiding the pain.
The pain drives you to overcompensate and create a shiny illusion of yourself that balances all that darkness. While you’re driven, you spend that energy on the false self to get goods that validate that false self. But the cup is broken. When the energy runs out, the false self dissolves and you fall back to the darkness, even hungrier.
So you can’t push in both directions. Can’t heal the darkness while avoiding it. Can’t heal the pain while getting aids for the pain.
The pain will heal when you stop resisting and allow yourself to feel it.
When you do, that will expose the wound. Once the wound is finally exposed, it’s gonna be infected, due the long time neglect and all the stuff and mistakes that made it worse. But it will heal. Once the wound is part of your consciousness, it will heal, like any other wound in the body, because that’s what the body does. The body repairs itself, as long as the body can detect the wound and has enough energy & resources.
So when you do it, when you stop resisting and allow yourself to feel the pain and the wound gets exposed, all of that energy is liberated and the wound begins to heal, from the bottom up. Just like a broken bone or a cut in the flesh.
All the energy you were using to avoid feeling the pain is now used by your body to heal the wound.
And when that happens the pain concedes, it’s a transition. It’s a healing process. It takes time, but it’s done, for real.
Once the pain is felt and wound is healed, you’re not longer driven to avoid it, the pain is not pushing you all day long to do something to silence it. There’s not longer a void, which was created by you making walls to block and isolate parts of your self. There’s not longer a need for a false self to cover the dark self and no dark impulses and no shame and no guilt. There’s no dissociation. There’s no fracture. You’re one. And you, as one, are able to feel and experience everything at it’s full, non repressed intensity. You’re not longer numb, you’re not longer lost.
Which means, your compass gets back to working properly. Like it was before it got broken. Which means you can now trust your instincts, drives, desires and needs. Which means you can continue to grow and develop on top of it.
And all that energy, all that drive, all the energy that was repressed and lost in distractions, now you can use to do the stuff that really matters to you, and get the stuff that really matter to you.
The cup is not longer broken. Fill it, fill it baby.
And make yourself happy.