I wrote this for a friend.
The reason you’re an easy prey is because whenever someone attempts a personal attack, you open up more, you try to reach a middle ground, you tell the agressor where it hurts, you try the empathy channel with someone who’s not showing signs of empathy.
Let’s call it the stockholm codependent approval seeking syndrome.
See. Sometimes when someone attacks you they have a reason: they have been hurt, or you may have done something wrong, etc, and dialogue is needed. However the intentions of the people attacking you are apparent very quickly.
At the first sign of peace, when you drop your weapon and go talk to them to see what is it all about… do they lower their weapons, or do they fire even more?
If you lower your weapon and open your heart – and then keep telling them how each and every one of the specific bullets they are firing you hurt you so much…
Trust me, they know. They know they are hurting you. And if they didnt know, they know now, since you narrated the last 50 bullets. The question for them is not if you’re hurt, but why you’re not dead already, why you keep coming back from the dead. “Sigh, yes I know I hit you in the head, I hit you right where it hurts, I know, it was intentional… so why exactly do you come back to life, again, you just want more right? take this bitch! you fucking zombie”
I know it’s hurting you but its quite comical.
It’s like watching the “fight” between a carrot and a horde of bunnies.
So, the thing is, there are several coping mechanism for stress. Some people are open to take a share of the blame and want to deal with the problems, some people just want to bounce the blame outside and make other people deal with the problem. We all have both systems, but some people are fixated in one.
You’ll see a lot of “bounce it back to you”, rethorics, shaming, and stuff when you touch something that crosses the emotional boundaries of other people. Then some of them will talk, negotiate, reach agreements, like what you attempted, and some other people will just “attack”. And like in war, you dont stop attacking when the enemy is hurt. When you know your attack is working, you increase it.
You dont stop attacking cancer when it starts responding to the chemo. Cool? so dont expect them to care about the pain they are inflicting, when they are transferring their own pain to you.
Shaming is emotional manipulation. Adhominen, some specific strawmans, deflections, etc, denial, crazy making… I can make a huge list but it’s always the same. Reframing situations and discourses to charge them with emotional content that might hurt you, as an attempt to gain control over you, or to put you in a chain of command that robs you of your own authority, autonomy, self esteem, etc. so they can salvage themselves at your expense.
Guys do that (AMOG), girls do that, kids do that, and people in general do that when they want to WIN on an emotional / social level and they give a fuck about others.
And, emotional manipulation is done by manipulators. Simple right? Not necessarily that they are manipulators all the time, but they are while they attempt it. So why are you talking to manipulators like they are normal people? the proper response for manipulation is not to engage.
If you find that the only way to talk to some people is to engage in their manipulation, it’s not worth it. Send them back home, walk out.
If the conversation is lost, if the relationship is lost, dont worry, there wasnt one to begin with.