20 Feb 2012, Posted by yohami in personal,politics,thoughts, 14 Comments.
You are “the one”
When you seek approval you put other people on a pedestal.
That pedestal is made of your own morals and ego.
The person you put on a pedestal is supposed to incarnate the ideal – your own. You project the ideal on a person so you can get the ideal´s approval, so you can approve (or disapprove) your own person. You feed on their love and punishment, you try harder, you try to do what´s good, or bad, or you rebel, all by yourself, against this imaginary thing.
You feed a fake system of values so you can be loved by a higher order.
Role play – identity masturbation.
But as it happens… this person has a moral / standards on their own. Actually, unlike your ideals, that person exists. And with that, there´s conflict.
Either they cant play the part properly -> you cant pedestalize them fully -> you cant get enough approval. OR.
They play the part properly -> you pedestalize them fully -> you get approval at the expense of living by THEIR moral standards, on the pretense these are your own.
…
Seeking approval / putting other people on your pedestal is as egoistical and sick as it gets. You might not be abusing other people, but you´re abusing yourself while pretending it´s them doing it. In short, dont.
You are the one. Yeah. Yourself.
Instead of finding external dummies to project your own values and then act as a follower for that fake herd, be your own pastor. And open your windows so you can relate to other people on their own terms – on their own realities – and in your own terms.
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14 Comments
February 20, 2012 8:46 pm
Stingray
Do you think that it is different for women?
February 20 2012 20:57 pm
yohami
The difference I see is in the roleplaying. Women usually occupy the pedestal role, then they use that power to make the guy change / redirect his ideals into her own.
But when women pedestalize its the regular game.
February 20, 2012 9:05 pm
Stingray
Regular game – meaning girl game? Or what it ideal in a relationship? Not quite sure what you mean by this.
February 20 2012 21:13 pm
yohami
Ah, I mean regular stuff. She doesnt see him, she sees her own ideal.
February 20, 2012 9:21 pm
Stingray
As regards seeking approval, do you think it more natural for women to do this especially for a man they are attracted to or love?
February 20 2012 21:30 pm
yohami
Spent the lunch thinking about the female angle of this. So - yes there are a few divergences.
1) for women its not that much about the ideal, but how the ideal makes her feel, and how the man makes her feel, in contrast as how the ideal makes her feel again. And she´ll take whatever feels "better", or, whatever feeling she likes the most, be it the ideal or the man. If the man makes her feel better she´ll ditch the ideal. If the ideal makes her feel better, she´ll either dump the man or attempt to change the man so he fits the ideal. Some men follow that same pattern btw.
2) When she likes what she feels she´ll try to "please" and "get his approval", this is a technique on the dance though. You are pleasant to people so they give you approval = that´s valid always, pedestalization or not. You´re nice so they are nice to you. If the girl is seducing the guy, she being nice to him is how she gets his seed. That doesnt work for guys btw.
February 20 2012 21:33 pm
yohami
Short answer, yes. Its more natural and feminine to change your shape and make it soft for other people in order to get their approval.
And it´s more natural and masculine to make your own shape stronger, and bend and change the shape of other people in order to get their approval.
Penis vs vagina.
February 20, 2012 9:50 pm
Stingray
Penis vs vagina.
My thoughts as well. Part of the problem seems to be that women fear to change themselves for a man, that it is somehow inherently wrong. When, in reality, I am not sure that they actually are changing their personality so much as tweaking it to become pleasing to someone they want in their lives. I see this as a very good things for women to do. It shows trust and respect.
February 20 2012 22:35 pm
yohami
Yes to that!
February 21, 2012 12:57 am
Stingray
I have been thinking about this some more and I am not sure that this is relevant to anything . . . anyway, allow me to snowflake for a moment to illustrate my point. Men can change to, for a person but I think it is different.
My husband is an alpha. He is also what Susan would call a good man. Anyway, I have changed and tweaked myself for him because I love him, I respect him and he deserves the best I can give him. Over the years, he in turn, has changed a bit for me as well. Not in anyway that changed who he inherently is, but brought out things he may not have for anyone else. I wonder if men realize what this can mean for a woman. I am lucky enough to have a man who is unflinchingly dominate. He has a goal and he will reach it. End of story. Yet, he has given me more of himself that he needed to. Because it was something that he chose to do, for me and for our relationship. It wasn’t something he had to do, he just did. What a gift that has been for me and for us.
Meh, I am not quite sure yet what I am talking about. It’s not about me having power, it’s about him giving something of himself and what that can mean to someone like me. How profound that is.
I am not encouraging men to go out and just do this. Please don’t start railing at me that I am trying to mislead. I am not. I guess I am talking about the profound effect that an alpha can have and the pain or joy he can cause with it.
February 21 2012 08:52 am
yohami
If he hadnt changed anything it wouldnt be a couple :-) its a chemical reaction, both are supposed to change and produce something new. Like that video on the good bad ugly thing. The good needs two.
February 21, 2012 5:44 pm
Stingray
Yohomi,
Have you read my comments over at Badger’s on the Deti post?
February 21 2012 17:46 pm
yohami
nope hows it going over there?
February 21, 2012 5:50 pm
Stingray
Meh, I don’t even know. Men don’t like taking advice from a woman. I don’t know if my comments are just plain bad, or if the guys just don’t want to hear it from me because I am a woman. I am pretty sure I am spot on. I don’t mind admitting if I am wrong, but I don’t think I am. I was just wondering what you think. You seem to not mind hearing it from a woman if you think it is sound.
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