27 Nov 2011, Posted by yohami in conversations,game,inner game, 21 Comments.
GH, from the comments:
WHY does there need to be one voice that rises above the pack? Who cares? Why do you want to be that voice? What difference does it make? Why do you NEED others to acknowledge you as the voice that rises above? You see, any which way you spin it, no matter how hard you deny it and engage in cognitive dissonance, you are seeking a reaction from others. You WANT them to acknowledge your power and dominance. You WANT them to do something. If you did not, you would not *tell them what to do*. You would just laugh and be indifferent if they did what you wanted or not.
This sounds like preaching aloofness. As in, “wanting specific responses from people is bad” or something. Well. Expecting reactions from people is good.
There are times when you´ll be on a pack. There are times when you will develop relationships. You´ll team up. You´ll get a job, form a band, become regular friends with people, become somebody else´s father, son, etc. You get it. Human relationships. In short, you will want stuff from them, and they will want stuff from you. There will be boundaries to be negotiated, promises and debts to be kept. There will be stuff you care about, stuff that hurts you, stuff that you want, and stuff you dont. Whenever you insert the spectrum of desires, aims, wishes, pains, strings, etc humanity, you insert power dynamics. This is unavoidable.
Aloofness is great to avoid power dynamics – and avoid relationships too. But since aloofness doesnt get involved in the power dynamics, it cant win them either: it cant give you what you want. What do you want?
To get what you want, you have to ask.
How are you going to ask? check my previous post http://yohami.com/blog/2011/11/25/i-have-a-party-on-friday-how-do-i-tell-you-about-it-more-about-shades-of-gray-in-dominance/
* * *
Who would you hire?
Aloof: Oh Im looking for a job, right now just browsing different companies, but this one looks nice!
Dominant: I love this company. I want to work here.
Who would you follow?
Aloof: The feminazis are coming… I´ll go check with the binoculars, if anyone wants to come with me, cool.
Dominant: We have to attack, but first, we need to secure the base. Smith, put the bombs. James, load the weapons. The rest, come with me and lets blow their fucking bunker.
Who would you pay?
Aloof: That money you owe me… its all chill bro.
Dominant: Well, I do need you to pay me, today. I´ll drop by your house at 5pm.
Who would you work all night for?
Aloof: Well its getting late, see what you can get done….
Dominant: No, the deadline was yesterday. I need this done TONIGHT. And it has to be perfect. Can you make sure we nail it? Perfect, please. I´ll be here. Keep me posted.
* * *
How many times you have heard women say they want a man who knows what he wants?
Can you be aloof about what you want? How effective is that?
Aloofness is great, in the sense its a huge step forward from neediness. Aloofness is in the realm of Alpha. In the realm of abundance. In the realm of -I dont really give a fuck, I have what I need, Im just here to have a good time.- Etc. A beta cant be aloof, because beta is too busy trying to measure up to whats expected from them. Where the beta is nervous, the aloof is self amused. When someone is relaxed and truly doesnt give a fuck, they can be more honest, real, genuine, their self comes across better, and with higher value. Someone who doesnt give a fuck and doesnt really want anything from you, is someone who also wont stab you, chase you, stalk you, hurt you… its someone you can trust.
But then Dominance is a man where Aloofness is a child.
Aloofness works for all the stuff you dont give shit about. If you dont care, if you are not to get involved, if this is not worth a fight / worth of your attention, if its beneath of you, etc… then chill out, let it be, relax, enjoy yourself, dont register it.
But how about the stuff you do care about?
Without dominance, some other voice will take the lead, and things will get settled according to somebody else´s priorities, somebody else´s boundaries, somebody else´s frame. Sometimes the externally decided settlement will be good for you, most of the time though, unless someone is doing this for you, it wont. If the person taking the lead is your rival, or has opposite interests, you´ll get fucked.
Why leave this to chance?
Dominance is not the goal. Dominance is not the objective. Its not “be always dominant, dont leave anything to chance, take the lead at all costs”. Dominance is not the objective.
The objective is what you want. Your goals. The way you want stuff to be. Your vision. You realization. What makes you happy. What is it?
Then dominance is the medium to make it happen.
Dominance is the language.
Back to GH:
Why does there need to be one voice that rises above the pack?
Stronger trumps weaker. Dominant trumps submissive. The more demanding one trumps the less demanding one. Stronger frame conquers weaker frame. Put several flavors together, and you´ll see the stronger flavor masking the weaker flavors. Mix several colors and you´ll see the same. Dilute one big idea into a weak story and you get a lame story. When put in a pack, people / animals actively measure against each other, and form hierarchies, where the leads decide for the group and the group follows and is content, as long as the leadership is good. Whatever you mix, something will shine, and something will blend.
This is just how stuff works.
Your job is to understand how stuff works, and use that to be best of your ability, in order to survive, and to fully realize yourself while you are at it.
Do you want to shine, or do you want to blend? Its your call. But you better know what you´re doing.
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